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홍차넷
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추천
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 21
Warning: Use of undefined constant header - assumed 'header' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 31
- 회원들이 추천해주신 좋은 글들을 따로 모아놓는 공간입니다.
- 추천글은 매주 자문단의 투표로 선정됩니다.
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Warning: Use of undefined constant use_category - assumed 'use_category' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/include/print_category.php on line 9
전체기타일상/생각꿀팁/강좌게임문학영화의료/건강문화/예술경제체육/스포츠과학철학/종교정치/사회요리/음식역사여행IT/컴퓨터음악창작사진
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| Date |
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 53 18/10/12 22:28:11 Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 56 수정됨 |
| Name | 새벽하늘 |
| Subject | 고해성사 |
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안녕하세요 새벽하늘이에요 여러분 잘 지내셨나요? 요즘 많이 추워졌던데 손은 따뜻하게 하고 다니시는 것 맞죠? 음, 문체가 많이 무겁고 진지하죠? 사실 전 이런 사람입니다 폭풍과도 같은 일주일이었어요. 제 마음 속에 있던 집이 드센 바람에 많이 망가졌어요 저는 1분 1초도 빠짐없이 하루종일 불안했고- 숨쉬기가 어려웠고, 슬프고 우울했답니다 사실 전 이런 사람입니다 왜 나는 늘 이런 사람일 수 밖에 없는건지 자괴감도 많이 들었고 남한테 민폐만 끼치는 사람인 것 같아 주변 사람들에게서 도망쳤습니다 제가 살아온 그동안의 시간 중에서 가장 간절하게 다리를 놀려 도망쳤습니다 내 안의 불안이 너무나 사소한 것에서부터 비롯되었다는 사실을 마주하고 나니 내가 그렇게 약해빠진 인간이었구나, 인생을 즐기고 설계해 나가야할 시간에 왜 이러고 앉아있을까 란 생각이 저를 무지막지하게 괴롭혔고 제 의지와 상관없이 불안은 저를 갉아먹었습니다 사실 전 이런 사람입니다 동공은 힘을 잃은 채 의지할 사람을 찾기 시작했고 의미없는 대화와 공허한 안부가 오갔습니다 강박적으로 전화를 걸어댔고 누군가와 연결되어 있는 느낌을 가지기 위해 안간힘을 썼습니다 하지만 아무리 발버둥을 쳐도 결국은 제가 혼자 남겨진 순간이 오더군요 그 순간에 다시 불안이 저를 찾아와 집어삼킬까봐 벌벌 떨었습니다 타인도 나 자신도 믿지 못하는 제가 너무 싫었고 증오스러웠습니다 나는 왜 이런 사람일 수밖에 없는지, 왜 끊어내지 못하고 이렇게 내 감정과 기억에 끌려다닐 수밖에 없는지 한없이 짜증이 났고 내가 이거밖에 안되는 사람이란걸 인정할 수가 없어 끝없이 자학했습니다 사실 전 이런 사람입니다 애써 밝은 척 했습니다. 헤프게 웃었고 이런 절 좋아해주는 보기 드문 사람들을 안아주고 다녔습니다 나는 여느 시인 말마따나 부끄럼 많은 생애를 살아왔고 지금도 그런 생을 살고 있다는 생각이 들었습니다 공부를 해야하는데, 책을 읽고 할 일을 해야하는데 불안이 예고도 없이 저를 찾아올 때면 미칠 것만 같았습니다 할 일이 있는데 계속 불안함이 들어서 그 할 일도 제대로 못하고... 떠돌고 외면하고 숨었습니다 고백합니다. 10대때나 했던 나쁜 생각을 하루에도 몇번씩 다시 했던 나날들이었습니다 사실 전 이런 사람입니다 나는 이런 내가 싫었습니다. 밉고 꼴보기가 싫었습니다 그런데 이런 나라도 마지막으로 기회를 주고 싶었습니다 젖먹던 힘을 짜내서 나는 살고싶었습니다 어떻게든 이 불안을 없애고 아파하지 않고 조금이라도 웃고 싶었습니다 나는 내가 만성적인 우울과 불안에 시달리고 있다는 것을 인정했습니다. 그리고 8월달의 하나의 일을 계기로, 일부러 불안을 촉발해 나 자신을 나 자신이 스스로 파괴하고 있다는 것을 인정했습니다. 그리고 9월달의 하나의 사건을 말미암아 나 자신을 나 자신이 스스로 망치고, 신뢰하려 하지 않으려한다는 것을 시인했습니다. 지금까지 나는 내가 비정상에 가까운 정상이라고 생각하며 살아왔습니다 나는 완벽한 정상인이 되어야 한다고 항상 최면을 걸었습니다 하지만 나는 지금의 내 모습이 비정상임을 인정했습니다 사실 전 이런 사람입니다 중학교 때 한번 상담을 해본 적이 있습니다 태어나 처음 해본 상담에 나는 내 상처를 털어놓았습니다 하지만 잘못된 결정이었나봐요. 상담선생님이 제 말들을 다른 선생님들께 얘기하고 다니실줄이야, 저는 꿈에도 몰랐으니까요 고등학교 때도 상담을 갔어요 중학교 때 그렇게 데였는데도 내가 살고 싶어서, 숨이 막혀서 찾아갔죠 하지만 상담선생님이 그 정도로 독실한 크리스천인지는 몰랐네요 이렇게 힘든 너는 예수를 믿어야 구원받는다고, 성당에 널 데려가야겠다고 하대요 나는 그 이후로 상담을 믿지 않았어요 상담에 낼 돈도 시간도 없다고 신포도처럼 생각했습니다 그리고 나는 상담을 갈정도로 미친 사람이 아니라고 믿었어요 그렇지 않으면 제가 너무 비참해졌으니까요 그런데 살고 싶다는 욕망은 엄청 강한가봐요 나는 불안을 내려놓고 새롭게 살고 싶었나봐요 내가 하고싶은 것 좋아하는 것이 생각나기 시작했어요 이렇게 죽으면 안되겠다는 생각이 들었어요 어째, 그래도 나는 찬란하게 살고싶어요 죽을 때까지 사랑할 사람도 만나고 싶고 나는 책읽고 글쓰는 거 좋아하고 잘하니까 그걸 업으로 삼아서 세상에 내 이름 한번 날려보고 싶어요 세상에 도움되는 일을 하고 싶고 받았던 것보다 더 돌려주고 싶고 그렇게 번 돈으로 나중에 고아원도 하나 짓고 내 옆을 지켜준 사람들한테 기분이다- 와인 한병씩 생일날마다 쏴주고 싶어요 그래서 오늘 수백 수천번 고민하고 생각하던 것을 용기를 내어 마지막 용기를 내어서 상담을 신청했어요 그리고 오늘부터는 다시 열심히 살아볼 거에요 불안해도 내 할일은 하고, 하고싶은 것도 하면서 불안을 이겨볼거에요 제까짓거 이렇게 하다보면 언젠간 알아서 날 떠나겠죠 사실 어서 꺼져줬으면 좋겠어요 미안합니다 제 안까지 들여다보면 이렇게 고여서 썩은 물들이 참 많은 것 같아요 여러분에게 마지막까지 부패한 물을 보여주고싶지 않았는데 그렇지 않으면 제가 죽을 것만 같아서- 미안합니다 보여드려서 전 사실 속이 이렇게나 더러운 사람입니다 이렇게 고백합니다. 저는 사실 이런 사람입니다. 그럼에도 여러분을 좋아하고 여러분이 보고싶었습니다 구체적으로 풀어내지 못한 상처들에서 진물이 나고 비린 냄새가 진동합니다 하지만 이것마저 보여드린다면 제가 너무 죄송해서, 이것만은 안되겠습니다 그래서 일부러 추상적으로 글을 적었습니다 미안하고 고맙습니다. 사실 전 이런 사람입니다. <div class="adminMsg">* Toby님에 의해서 티타임 게시판으로부터 게시물 복사되었습니다 (2018-10-25 17:00) * 관리사유 : 추천게시판으로 복사합니다.</div> Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 133 Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 146 Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 161 46
이 게시판에 등록된 새벽하늘님의 최근 게시물 |
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Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 185
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_comment - assumed 'use_comment' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 540
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 542
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 543
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 545
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 576
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
Warning: Use of undefined constant grant_delete - assumed 'grant_delete' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 429
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_formmail - assumed 'use_formmail' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 599
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 599
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 600
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 600
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 609
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 609
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 614
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 616
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 618
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 618
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 612
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 612
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 620
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 640
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 644
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/cmt_replace.php on line 3
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 6
Warning: Use of undefined constant file_name - assumed 'file_name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 28
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 65
15706 class="iamcmt" style="display:none;"> Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 66
15706 class='vcm '>
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 70
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 71
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 76
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 117
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 118
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 119
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 120
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 121
15706'> 동방요정
Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 133
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 142
18/10/12 22:33
15706>삭제 주소복사
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 150
사람이니까 당연한 겁니다. 사람이니까요.
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
15706>
15706>
