Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 278
홍차넷
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 34
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 45
Warning: Use of undefined constant r - assumed 'r' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 47
Warning: Use of undefined constant r - assumed 'r' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 51
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 237
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 34
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 45
Warning: Use of undefined constant r - assumed 'r' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 47
Warning: Use of undefined constant r - assumed 'r' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 51
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 237
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/zero_header.php on line 269
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/zero_header.php on line 300
Warning: Use of undefined constant title - assumed 'title' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 16
티타임
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 21
Warning: Use of undefined constant header - assumed 'header' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 31
- 다양한 주제에 대해 자유롭게 글을 작성하는 게시판입니다.
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_formmail - assumed 'use_formmail' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 519
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_category - assumed 'use_category' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/include/print_category.php on line 9
전체기타일상/생각꿀팁/강좌방송/연예도서/문학영화의료/건강문화/예술경제생활체육과학/기술철학/종교정치요리/음식역사여행육아/가정IT/컴퓨터음악창작게임스포츠사회오프모임
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/setup.php on line 29
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/setup.php on line 41
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Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 398
Warning: Use of undefined constant subject - assumed 'subject' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 402
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 403
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 405
Warning: Use of undefined constant total_comment - assumed 'total_comment' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 406
Warning: Use of undefined constant subject - assumed 'subject' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 402
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Warning: Use of undefined constant total_comment - assumed 'total_comment' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 406
Warning: Use of undefined constant subject - assumed 'subject' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 402
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 403
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Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 2
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/memo_replace.php on line 3
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 10
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_category - assumed 'use_category' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 40
| Date |
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 53 19/07/11 14:51:47 Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 56 수정됨 |
| Name | o happy dagger |
| Subject | 기억... |
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뚜뚜뚜... 여보세요. 거의 반년만에 전화가 연결이 되었다. 어디서부터 시작을 해야 하는걸까? 그녀가 다시 미국으로 가기전, 나는 결혼하고 싶다는 이야기를 슬쩍 비쳤고, 그녀도 좋다는 식으로 답을 하기는 했다. 하지만 아직 부모님들을 뵌것도 아니고 이렇게 연락하기가 힘들다면, 어떻게 해야 하는걸까? H씨? 오랜만이예요. 연락이 너무 안되서 걱정했어요. Dagger씨? 죄송해요. 그동안 이런저런 일들이 좀 있었어요. 침묵. 우리 둘 사이의 물리적 거리보다 더 깊은 심연이 전화기 너머에 있었다. 전화번호를 누르면서, 이번에 연결되면 이야기해야지 하고 생각했던 것들, 부치지 않은 몇 통의 편지 내용들이 입가를 맴돌다가 완성되지 못한 소리의 흔적만 남긴채 조용히 사라져갔다. 연락 안된거 정말 미안해요. 그 동안 수술을 했어요. 몇 달전 가슴에서 덩어리가 느껴져서 병원에 갔는데, 유방암 판정을 받아서 수술하고 키모했어요. 갑자기 머리가 멍해졌다. 그녀와 연락이 되지 않았던 동안 그 이유가 뭘까라고 고민했던것들이 한꺼번에 사라져갔다. 그러면서 그녀가 미국으로 돌아가기 2주일 전쯤 처음으로 둘이 1박 2일로 동해에 갔던 기억이 났다. 그녀의 고향. 그녀는 그곳에서 평소에 이야기를 하지 않았던 가족에 대한 이야기를 조금 해 주었다. 아버지와 어머니가 이혼했었다는것. 나중에 어머니가 유방암판정이 난것, 그걸 알게된 아버지가 다시 어머니를 받아들여서 병간호를 했던 이야기. 그리고 고통에 힘들어하던 어머니와 그걸 보던 가족의 고통. 어머니의 죽음. 그녀는 이야기를 계속 했다. 언니한테 가서 그곳에서 치료를 했어요. 아버지한테는 도저히 이야기를 할 수 없어서 아직 이야기 하지 않았고요. 근데 20대에 유방암은 너무 빠르네요. 그녀의 언니는 남편이 박사과정 유학을 나오자 같이 따라 나와서 미국내에서 살고 있었다. 그나마 다행이다... 싶었다. 그녀는 정말로 아버지에게 자신의 상태를 알리고 싶어하지 않았고, 낯선 땅에서 그런 병을 혼자 감당하기에는 너무 어려울텐니. 그녀는 의사에게 난소도 떼어달라고 했다고 했고, 의료보험에 대한 이야기와 병원에서 날아온 치료비들에 대한 이야기를 했다. 그리고 다음 학기를 마치고 나면, 일을 시작 할 수 있을것 같다는 이야기도 덧붙였다. 나는 뭔 말로 대답을 해야 할지 몰랐고, 내 이야기는 할 수가 없었다. 내 입에서는 가끔씩 연결되지 않는 단어의 파편들만 튀어 나올뿐. 그녀는 이야기를 이어갔다. Dagger씨. 전에 했던 이야기들은 없었던걸로 하는게 좋을것 같아요. 좋은 사람 만나시기 바래요. 전화기 너머 흐느끼는 소리가 희미하게 들렸다. 뭔가 이야기를 해야 하는데... 어디서부터 이야기를 해야할지 어떻게 실타래를 풀어야 할지 도저히 알 수가 없었다. 시간이 좀 흐르면 알 수 있었을까? 그러나 시간은 그리 많지 않았다. H씨. 직접 만나서 이야기를 하고 싶어요. Dagger씨. 그러지 마세요. 멀고, 저도 상태가 안좋고요. 그럼 이만 끊을께요. 연결이 끊어진 전화기를 내려놓지 못하고 들고 있다가, 그녀의 언니에게 전화를 걸었다. 전화를 받은 그녀의 언니는 통화하는 도중에 흐느꼈고, 그녀와 같은 이야기를 했다. 전화기를 내려놓은 내게 이 상황에서 내가 할 수 있는 일은 없다는 지독한 무력감이 그녀와 나 사이의 물리적 거리만큼이나 커다랗게 밀려왔다. 어느 틈엔가 눈물조차 말라버렸고, 처음으로 담배를 샀다. 며칠 후 나는 여행사에서 비행기표를 구하고 있었다. 가진 돈이 그리 많지 않았기때문에 가능한 싼 표를 구해야 했고, 덕분에 중간에 여러곳에서 비행기를 갈아타야하는 노선을 골라야 했다. 다시 전화를 해서 나는 보고 싶다고 했고, 그녀는 오지 말라고 했다. 나는 비행기 도착 날짜를 알려주었고 비행기를 탔다. 멀고 시간은 많이 걸렸다. 비행기를 갈아타기 위해서 터미널에 보내는 시간은 둘 사이의 거리를 더욱 멀게 만들었다. 공항에서 나와서 택시를 타고는 주소를 보여줬다. 근데 기사가 초보인지 주소지 근처에 가서는 주소를 찾지 못해서 헤메고 있었다. 결국 나는 기사에게 그만 내려달라고 했다. 그러고는 두시간 가까이 근처를 돌아다닌 끝에 그녀가 다른 룸메이트와 쉐어하고 있는 아파트를 찾을 수 있었다. 벨을 눌렀고, 그녀가 나왔다. 약간은 굳은 표정의 그녀는 나를 안으로 들여보내 주었다. 왜 오셨어요? 정말로 보고 싶었어요. 그녀는 많이 야위었고, 가발을 쓰고 있었고, 금방이라도 울듯한 표정을 하고 있었다. 그녀는 마침 비어있던 방에 나를 안내해주었다. 장시간 비행후 한 여름 두시간 가까이 땡볕을 걸어다닌 나는 온몸이 땀으로 젖어 있었다. 씻고 나와보니 그녀는 저녁을 준비하고 있었다. 테이블에 앉아있는 나에게는 뒷모습만 보인채... 뭐라고 말을 하고 싶은데 어디서부터 시작해야 할지. 그녀는 저녁을 접시에 담아서 내게 건내 주었고, 우리는 저녁을 같이 먹는 동안에도 아무말도 하지 않았다. 침묵속에서 아마도 이 식사가 우리가 마지막 함께하는 식사일지도 모른다는 생각이 들었다. 저녁을 다 먹고, 접시를 치우면서 그녀는 조용히 이야기했다. 안오시는게 좋았어요. 내일 아침에 그만 돌아가 주셨으면 해요. 설것이를 마친 그녀는 자신의 방으로 들어갔다. 나는 테이블에 한시간 정도 꼼짝도 하지 않고 앉아있었다. 그녀는 방에서 나오지 않았고, 그녀가 더 이상 방에서 나오지 않을것이라는걸 알고 나는 그녀가 안내해준 방으로 들어갔다. 잠은 오지 않을것 같았고, 종이를 꺼내서 편지를 쓰기 시작했다. 이제는 기억도 나지않는 글들, 이야기가 되는지 아닌지도 알 수 없는 글을 끄적거려갔고, 밤은 지나고 아침이 왔다. 밤새 쓴 편지는 접어서 편지봉투에 넣고 'H씨께'라고 봉투에 쓴 후, 그녀의 방문 아래로 밀어넣고 아파트를 나왔다. 공중전화를 찾는데 시간이 좀 걸렸지만, 공중전화로 택시를 불렀고 공항으로 갔다. 공항에서 비행기표를 당일 출발하는걸로 바꾸느라고 한참을 버벅댔지만, 결국 표는 바꾸고 비행기를 탈 수 있었다. 그녀는 더 이상 전화를 받지 않았다. 그녀에 대해서 생각할때마다 죄를 지은 느낌이다. 결혼을 하고 아이와 함께 가정을 꾸려나가는 나의 삶이 행복하면서도 이게 과연 정당한것인지. 내가 이래도 되는 것인지에 대한 생각이 언제나 나를 괴롭히고, 그래서 그녀에 기억들은 가능하면 묻어두고 싶어한다. 이런 죄책감이 없었으려면 그녀를 방문했을때 좀 더 강하게 이야기를 했었어야 하나라는 생각을 해 보지만 그건 답이 아닌듯 했다. 둘 사이의 물리적 거리는 내가 감당하기에는 너무 멀었고, 그걸 극복하기에는나는 너무나 모자랐고, 아마도... 내가 암에 대해서 연구하고 있는것, 그게 내가 할 수 있는 최선의 속죄가 아닌가 싶다. Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 133 Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 146 Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 161 28 이 게시판에 등록된 o happy dagger님의 최근 게시물 |
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Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 614
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Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 618
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Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 612
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 620
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Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
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Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/cmt_replace.php on line 3
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 6
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Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 65
126769 class="iamcmt" style="display:none;"> Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 66
126769 class='vcm '>
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 70
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 71
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 76
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 117
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 118
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 119
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 120
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 121
126769'> SCV
Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 133
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
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19/07/11 15:05
126769>삭제 주소복사
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먹먹 하네요..
인생의 무게 만큼이나 무거운 기억이군요.
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
인생의 무게 만큼이나 무거운 기억이군요.
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
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Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
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