Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 278
홍차넷
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Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 45
Warning: Use of undefined constant r - assumed 'r' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 47
Warning: Use of undefined constant r - assumed 'r' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 51
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 237
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 34
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 45
Warning: Use of undefined constant r - assumed 'r' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 47
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Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 237
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/zero_header.php on line 269
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/zero_header.php on line 300
Warning: Use of undefined constant title - assumed 'title' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 16
티타임
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 21
Warning: Use of undefined constant header - assumed 'header' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 31
- 다양한 주제에 대해 자유롭게 글을 작성하는 게시판입니다.
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_formmail - assumed 'use_formmail' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 519
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_category - assumed 'use_category' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/include/print_category.php on line 9
전체기타일상/생각꿀팁/강좌방송/연예도서/문학영화의료/건강문화/예술경제생활체육과학/기술철학/종교정치요리/음식역사여행육아/가정IT/컴퓨터음악창작게임스포츠사회오프모임
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Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/setup.php on line 41
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Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 405
Warning: Use of undefined constant total_comment - assumed 'total_comment' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 406
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Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 2
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/memo_replace.php on line 3
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| Date |
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 53 19/08/26 15:31:46 Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 56 |
| Name | Jace.WoM |
| Subject | 삼촌을 증오/멸시/연민/이해/용서 하게 된 이야기 |
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어릴적, 그니까 한 7살때쯤? 명절날 작은 삼촌이 저와 사촌동생이 말싸움하는걸 보고 화가나서 명절날 어머니와 제 앞에다가 다리미를 던졌적이 있습니다. 삼촌은 이혼해서 사촌동생을 혼자 키우고 있었는데, 저랑 사촌동생이 말싸움 하는걸 보고 어머니가 제 편을 드는게 고까우셨는지 분노를 참지 못하고 화를 내다가 에이 하고 땅바닥에 다리미랑 주위 물건을 내팽겨쳤어요. 어머니는 물건에는 직접 맞지 않으셨지만 피하다가 팔이 문 모서리 긁혀서 막 피가 철철 나기 시작하고 겁이나서 막 울면서 어쩔 줄 몰라 하셨고 당연히 일가 친척들 다 난리가 나서 그 날로 우리는 아빠 차를 타고 집으로 올라왔죠. 이후로 어머니는 한동안 친가에 내려가지 않으셨고 저는 갈 일 있으면 아버지를 통해서 먼저 삼촌이 집에 없는것을 확인한 이후 (아마 아빠가 내보내셨겠죠 ㅋㅋㅋ) 가서 할머니와 사촌 형 동생과 고모들만 보고 오곤 했었습니다. 그 일을 겪고 처음에 제가 삼촌에게 느낀 감정은 나이에 어울리지 않는 강한 트라우마와 증오였습니다. 어릴적 내게 세상이나 다름 없던 우리 부모님을 내 눈앞에서 처음으로 다치게 했던 사람이니까, 당연하기도 했지만, 당시 제 나이를 생각해보면 그래도 좀 심할 정도로 미웠어요. 아직도 기억나는게 자기전에 엄마한테 자주 얘기한 내용이 "나중에 삼촌 죽으면 장례식날 내가 옆에 HOT 불러서 콘서트 열거야" 였거든요 ㅋㅋㅋㅋ 실제로 어릴적 공부를 열심히 했던 이유도 HOT 콘서트를 여는데 돈이 많이 드니까 그랬던것도 조금은 있었을거에요. 유년기를 보내고 청소년기, 남들 다 사춘기를 보낼 시기가 되었을때, 당시 저는 나름 공부를 열심히해서 꽤 높은 학업 평가를 받고, 친구들과도 인싸흉내내며 잘 지내고 말 그대로 자신감에 차 있었어요. 그 즈음에 아마 저의 삼촌에 대한 생각은 증오에서 멸시가 되었을거에요. '아, 한심한 인간이여 그 나이 먹도록 노래나 하고 다니느라 돈도 못 버니 와이프가 자식도 버리고 널 떠나지, 자격지심에 차서 폭력이나 휘두르는 너 같은 볼품인간 인간한테는 증오조차 아깝다.' 뭐 이런 생각이었죠. 이때부터 저는 삼촌에게 복수하겠다 ㅋㅋㅋ 하는 어린아이 같은 생각은 하지 않게 되었습니다. 그럴 가치도 없는 사람이라고 생각했거든요. 모기야 피라도 빨아가서 밉기라도 하니까, 파리같은 존재로 봤어요. 사람을요. 철 없던 사춘기 시절을 지나 고등학생이 되고, 봉사활동을 시작하고 책상공부만큼이나 세상공부를 열심히 하게 되었습니다. 그때부터 삼촌의 아들, 그때 말다툼 했던 사촌동생하고도 다시 교류를 하기 시작했어요. 핸드폰이라는게 생겼거든요 ㅋㅋㅋ 사촌동생은 제가 삼촌을 피하는것은 알고 있었지만 그 당시엔 너무 어렸기에 (4살이었으니 ㅋㅋㅋ) 정확히 무슨 일 때문에 그러는지는 몰랐는데, 워낙 착한 아이라 고작 3살 차이에도 불구하고 저를 형 형 거리며 많이 따랐고, 저도 친동생처럼 사촌동생을 아끼고 귀여워 했습니다. 아마도 그 영향이었을거에요. 삼촌에 대한 제 부정적인 생각이 많이 지워졌어요. 이렇게 착한 아이가 엄마 없이 커야 하는 환경을 만든 그 능력없는 필부가 더 이상 한심하고 밉기 보다는 안타까웠습니다. 나라도 사촌 동생에게 좀 더 잘해줘야 겠다. 생각이 들었죠,. 하지만 이것은 성숙한 이해는 아니었습니다. 한 단어로 생각하면 그냥 연민이었죠. 나와 다른, 나보다 한참 못한 존재에 대한 안타까움과 불쌍함, 길거리에서 동냥하는 사람에게 한푼 적선해주면서 난 정말 좋은 사람이야하고 생각하는것 같은 얄팍한 마음. 이후 원하는 대학에 들어가고, 꽃같은 청춘만 나를 기다리고 있을줄 알았던 제 인생에도 큰 위기가 왔습니다. 물론 그 전까지도 순탄한 삶은 아니었지만, 적어도 그것들은 부모님의 문제가 아닌 내 문제라 생각하고 해결하고자 맘 먹은 뒤에는 그저 좀 높아서 힘들뿐인 언덕 정도였다면, 대학 들어가고 나서 터진 집안일은, 저걸 내가 정말 넘을 수 있나? 싶을만큼 가능여부조차 불투명한 장애물이었어요. 실제로 이렇게 저렇게 부딪혀도 몇번이고 실패하고 뜻대로 되지 않는 일이 대부분이었습니다. 참 늦게도 경험하게 된 '진짜 실패'의 맛이었죠. ㅋㅋㅋ 미래, 현재, 돈, 건강, 사람 참 많은것을 포기 혹은 미뤄가며 집안 문제를 기어코 어느정도 해결한 이후에, 스스로를 돌아보니 참 많이도 황폐해져 있었습니다. 계속 연락하면 반드시 손 빌리게 될거 같아서 아예 연락을 끊고 잠수를 탄 덕분에 영문도 모르고 연락을 끊어버린 제 모습에 실망해서 떠나가서 붙잡지 못한 인연 한트럭에, 건강도 어느새 반 넝마가 되어있고 ㅋㅋㅋ 그야말로 개차반이었죠. 그래도 좌절하고는 담을 쌓은 성격이라 잃은것을 되찾기 위해 조금만 쉬고나서 다시 일어서서 걸었습니다. 사람들한테 연락해서 한동안 연락이 안 된 이유를 덜 불쌍해보이게 잘 섦여하고, 운동도 다시 하고 몸도 좀 가꾸고, 그러던 와중에 아버지를 통해 친가족 사람들과도 다시 연락이 통했어요. 그리고 그때 오랜만에, 한 5년만에 삼촌의 존재에 대해서 떠올렸습니다. 그리고 저는 느꼈어요. 내 안에서의 삼촌에 대한 감정이 증오 멸시 연민에 무시를 걸쳐서 마침내 이제는 이해할 수 있게 되었다는것을요. 삶이라는것은 이렇게도 무섭고 아프고 괴로운것이구나, 20대 중반이고 세상에 무서울게 없었던, 그리고 또 정말 잘난 사람인 (나르시스트 기질은 고생한다고 버려지지가 않더라구요 ㅋㅋㅋ) 나조차도 무너지지 않고 버티는것이 이토록 힘들었는데 집에 재산도 없이 당시 아들 하나키워야 하는 상황에 와이프는 도망가고 자기 인생은 잘 안 풀리고 그럼에도 불구하고 자기 꿈인 가수는 포기하기 싫고, 애는 한살씩 먹어가고 형들은 결혼해서 처자식 데리고 명절에 와서 잔소리하고 지금 내가 그렇듯 그 사람도 처음부터 어른은 아니었을텐데, 어쩌다 어른이 되고 나서 어떻게 돌이켜보니 하고 싶었던건 제대로 하나도 하지 못하고 책임감만 잔뜩 늘어난 상황에서 자기 자식이 무시당한것 같은 기분이 드는데 해줄 수 없는것도 없으니 얼마나 화가 났으면 그랬을까 하는 생각이 들었습니다. 그리고 얼마 정도 지난 후에, 몇년만에 할머니댁에 가서 거진 15년만에 삼촌을 만났습니다. 저를 본 삼촌의 첫 마디는 '야, 반갑다. 어머니 잘 계시지? 였습니다' 이제 저도 그때랑 달리 완전히 어른이 되었기에 능숙하게 삼촌의 말을 받아줄 수 있었죠. 흔히 성인 남성들이 만나면 나누는 국룰과 같은 실없는 인사치레를 서로 몇마디 나누고 나서, 삼촌은 제게 사과를 해왔습니다. 대충 예전에 그랬던건 아직도 크게 미안하게 생각한다. 어머니꼐도 꼭 죄송하다고 전해달라. 직접 사과하는걸 더 불편해하실거 같으니까 네가 전해주는거 더 좋을거 같다. 그리고 나는 마침내 삼촌을 용서했습니다. 일정을 마치고 집에와서 어머니께 이 얘기를 말씀드렸습니다. 사과했다 단순히 그 얘기 말고, 이 글의 처음부터 끝까지, 제 감정이 어떻게 변했는지를 읊어드렸죠. 그러자 어머니께선 '솔직히 말하면 난 니가 어릴때부터 너무 화내고 미워하길래 그냥 니 장단에 맞춰준거지 금방 괜찮아졌었다' 라고 말씀해주셨습니다 ㅋㅋㅋㅋ 아니 어머니 ㅋㅋㅋ; 이 일을 겪고 느낀바가 하나 있습니다. 제가 삼촌을 용서하는 과정에서 실제로는 저와 삼촌이 나눈 커뮤니케이션은 마지막 사과 단 하나뿐이라는거에요. 그 외의 감정의 변화는 모두 제가 제 삶을 사는 과정에서 알아서 스스로 변화한거죠. 증오가 멸시로, 멸시가 연민으로 연민이 이해로 바뀐것은 모두 철저히 내 안에서만 일어난 일입니다. 만약 그 전에 삼촌이 사과를 해왔으면 저는 삼촌을 이해끝에 용서할 수 있었을까요? 아닐거 같아요. 증오할때 연락해왔다면 '네 알겠습니다 그럴수도 있죠 이해합니다' 라고 말해놓고 나중에 찌르기 위해 소매에 칼 한자루를 숨겨놨을거고, 멸시할떄 연락해왔다면 그러거나 말거나 하고 그냥 연락도 안 받고 씹었겠죠. 삼촌이 아무리 성의를 보이려고 해봐야, 내가 준비되기전에는 지금과 같은 형태의 용서를 할 수가 없었을거에요. 그래서 주위에서 가끔 용서를 하고 싶은데 잘 안된다, 혹은 잘못했는데 용서를 받고 싶다 이런 진지한 상담을 해오는 사람들에겐 그렇게 말합니다. 네가 용서를 하는 입장이건 받는 입장이건, 상대가 준비가 될때까지 기다리라고요, 아마도 그 전에는 뭘 어떻게 해도 별 소용이 없을거라고... 피해를 입힌것에 대한 성의있는 보상과 사과와 별개로, 용서를 받는데는 상대가 내가 증오가 이해가 될때까지 그랬던것처럼 감정의 모험을 끝마치길 기다려야 할 거라고 ㅎㅎ 삼촌과 얼마전 전화통화를 했는데 위암 초기시라고 하시더라구요. 예후가 나쁘지 않은 단계라고 하셨으니 좋아지시길 바랍니다. Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 133 Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 146 Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 161 49
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Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 6
Warning: Use of undefined constant file_name - assumed 'file_name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 28
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 65
128566 class="iamcmt" style="display:none;"> Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 66
128566 class='vcm '>
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 70
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 71
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 76
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 117
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 118
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 119
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 120
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 121
128566'> 호타루
Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 133
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 142
19/08/26 15:46
128566>삭제 주소복사
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 150
글이 술술 읽히네요. 부럽습니다.
용서가 참... 어렵죠. 양쪽이 모두 준비되어야 용서가 가능할 테고, 그래서 용서했다는 이야기 자체가 드물기에 미담이 되는 거 아닌가... 그렇게 생각합니다.
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
용서가 참... 어렵죠. 양쪽이 모두 준비되어야 용서가 가능할 테고, 그래서 용서했다는 이야기 자체가 드물기에 미담이 되는 거 아닌가... 그렇게 생각합니다.
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
128566>
128566>
