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홍차넷
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Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 34
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Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/zero_header.php on line 269
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/zero_header.php on line 300
Warning: Use of undefined constant title - assumed 'title' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 16
티타임
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 21
Warning: Use of undefined constant header - assumed 'header' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 31
- 다양한 주제에 대해 자유롭게 글을 작성하는 게시판입니다.
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_formmail - assumed 'use_formmail' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 519
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_category - assumed 'use_category' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/include/print_category.php on line 9
전체기타일상/생각꿀팁/강좌방송/연예도서/문학영화의료/건강문화/예술경제생활체육과학/기술철학/종교정치요리/음식역사여행육아/가정IT/컴퓨터음악창작게임스포츠사회오프모임
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Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 2
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/memo_replace.php on line 3
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| Date |
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 53 19/05/22 00:05:25 Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 56 수정됨 |
| Name | 밤 |
| Subject | 혼잣말을 하는 버릇 |
|
글을 안 쓴지 오래되서 뭐라도 이야기하고 싶은 기분이 드는데 뭘 말할지 모르겠어요. 사실 이야기를 한다는 건 약점을 드러내는 거잖아요. 글은 더 그렇고요. 혼잣말을 하는 버릇이 있어요. 근데 꼭 자책을 해요. 그러지 말걸. 바보같이 굴지 말걸. 이야기한다고 해서 딱히 기분이 나아지지 않는 그런 말을 하는 거예요. 가끔 그런 생각을 하는데요. 제가 아귀처럼 입을 벌리고 외롭다 외롭다 하고 있는 것 같다고요. 그런데 아시잖아요. 아귀 입에 뭘 넣는다고 그게 나아지나요. 쇠구슬이 되서 뚝뚝 떨어지지. 저는 어렸을 때부터 아귀 이야기를 들으면 그렇게 서글펐어요. 아무리 잘못했다고 해도 그럴 것까지 있어요? 자기가 가지지 못할 것들이 다가오니까 그걸 원하게 되잖아요. 잊을 수도 없구요. 머리가 텅 비면 좋을텐데. 아무것도 생각나지 않으면 좋을 텐데. 봐요. 바라는 것만 많아지죠. 외로운 건 어쩔 수 없는 거죠. 화가 나는 건 그게 딱히 특별하지도 않다는 걸 알아서예요. 차라리 이게 뭐 세상에 딱 하나 있는 거면 자부심이라고 가질 텐데. 나도 외롭고 저쪽도 외롭고 살다보면 다 그렇고. 그걸 아는 건 당연한 건데 그렇게 기분 좋지는 않잖아요? 요전에 누구하고 같이 있는데, 그 사람도 저도 시큰둥하더라고요. 그냥 멀끔하게 보다가 말았어요. 누구든 한 발을 내딛기가 어렵잖아요. 전에는 제가 그걸 내딛는 게 크게 어렵지 않았는데, 지금은 그래요. 그저 보고 있어요. 아는 언니가 점점 사람 만나는 게 어려워진다는 이야기를 했어요. 저도 그냥 끄덕거렸어요. 애니메이션이나 소설이나 영화같은 걸 보면 뭐 한발짝만 내밀면 돼 어쩌고 하는 이야기 많이 하잖아요. 근데 그거 사정상 축약된 말이죠. 한발짝 내딛는 게 뭐 어려워요. 다가가는 건 쉬워도 돌아설 때는 다른데요. 전 가까워지는 것보다 멀어지는 게 어렵다고 생각해요. 두고 돌아선 상대에게는 자꾸 많은 것들을 만들어내게 되잖아요. 내 시간과 마음을 보호하기 위해서라도 자꾸 꾸며내죠. 그러니까 그 말보다는 어떤 책에서 본 말이 낫겠네요. 사람의 영혼이라는 건 자꾸 작아진대요. 더 멀리 보지 않으려고 하고 자꾸 나아가지 않으면 영혼이 작아지는 거죠. 처음엔 조금씩 줄어들어서 티도 안 나지만 정신을 차려보면 손바닥보다 작아지고, 결국에는 복숭아 씨앗보다 작아진다면서. 그 얘기를 듣고 생각했어요. 클 거라고 생각은 안 들더라고요. 나팔꽃 씨보다 작을지 아니면 저기 해바라기 씨 정도일지. 뭐 그 정도 생각했어요. 무서워서 한 발짝도 안 나간지 오래거든요. 아니 뭐. 집 한 평 사기도 어려운 때인데 마음도 한 뼘 얻기가 이렇게 어려워. 혼잣말을 또 했죠. 그때를 생각하면서요. 그 손을 잡고 있으면 마음이 따뜻했는데. 마음이 같지는 않을 지언정 그래도 언제나 따뜻했던 거 같은데. 아마 이제는 손가락 한 마디조차 안 남아버린 건지. 티끌만큼도 누구에게 가까이 가기가 어렵네요. 그 사람이 누구던지 어떤 사람이던지 어떤 결점을 갖고 있던지 상관없이 좋았던 때도 있었는데. 곁에 있으면 안심했죠. 계속 있어달라는 이야기는 절대로 안 했어요. 꿈은 말하면 없던 일이 되잖아요. 아귀는 말이에요. 삼킬 수 있는 게 아무것도 없어요. 생전에 욕심을 계속 부린 죄값이라고 하는데, 그때도 아마 똑같았을 텐데요. 원하는 것을 얻어도 허전하고, 그래서 계속 배를 곯다보니 또 어리석은 짓이 반복되고. 근데 그걸 죽어서도 반복하는 거죠. 살아서도 하던 건데. 이번에는 끝도 안 날 테고. 예전에 읽었던 책에는 비겁하게도 줄어든 마음을 회복하는 방법이라던지 그런 건 안 나오더라고요. 이럴 땐 운명론이 좋은데. 왠지 전 안 믿고 싶더라고요. 언젠가 씨앗에서 뭐라도 나오길 기다릴래요. 곰팡이든 뭐든. 괜히 뻔한 이야기가 한번 더 하고 싶네요. 기다리면 기적은 아니더라도 뭐든 한번은 이루어질거라고. 생각해 보세요. 모든 옛날 이야기들은 이렇게 끝나잖아요. 영원히 오래오래 행복하게 살았다. 적어도 위안은 되네요. Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 133 Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 146 Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 161 26
이 게시판에 등록된 밤님의 최근 게시물
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Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
Warning: Use of undefined constant grant_delete - assumed 'grant_delete' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 429
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_formmail - assumed 'use_formmail' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 599
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 599
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 600
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 600
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 609
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 609
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 614
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 616
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 618
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 618
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 612
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 612
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 620
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 640
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 644
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/cmt_replace.php on line 3
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 6
Warning: Use of undefined constant file_name - assumed 'file_name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 28
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 65
124796 class="iamcmt" style="display:none;"> Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 66
124796 class='vcm '>
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 70
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 71
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 76
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 117
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 118
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 119
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 120
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 121
124796'> 다람쥐
Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 133
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 142
19/05/22 20:47
124796>삭제 주소복사
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 150
어리석더라도, 내 텅 빈 속을 채우기 위해서라면 최선을 다 해 꾸역꾸역 채워넣어볼래요
좋은 글 감사합니다
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
좋은 글 감사합니다
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
124796>
124796>
