Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 278
홍차넷
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 34
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 45
Warning: Use of undefined constant r - assumed 'r' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 47
Warning: Use of undefined constant r - assumed 'r' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 51
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 237
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 34
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 45
Warning: Use of undefined constant r - assumed 'r' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 47
Warning: Use of undefined constant r - assumed 'r' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 51
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 237
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/zero_header.php on line 269
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/zero_header.php on line 300
Warning: Use of undefined constant title - assumed 'title' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 16
티타임
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 21
Warning: Use of undefined constant header - assumed 'header' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 31
- 다양한 주제에 대해 자유롭게 글을 작성하는 게시판입니다.
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_formmail - assumed 'use_formmail' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 519
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_category - assumed 'use_category' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/include/print_category.php on line 9
전체기타일상/생각꿀팁/강좌방송/연예도서/문학영화의료/건강문화/예술경제생활체육과학/기술철학/종교정치요리/음식역사여행육아/가정IT/컴퓨터음악창작게임스포츠사회오프모임
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/setup.php on line 29
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Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
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Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 398
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Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 405
Warning: Use of undefined constant total_comment - assumed 'total_comment' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 406
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Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 403
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 405
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Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 2
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/memo_replace.php on line 3
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 10
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_category - assumed 'use_category' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 40
| Date |
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 53 19/12/06 23:05:20 Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 56 |
| Name | 밤 |
| Subject | 그땐 정말 무서웠지 |
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태어나서 가장 무서웠던 순간을 꼽으라면 언제일까. 그 남자가 골목길에서 내 어깨를 잡았을 때? 정리해고 통보를 받았을 때? 어느 게 가장이라고 말하기는 어렵지만, 그날 그 교실에 처음 들어갔을 때를 빼 놓을 수가 있을까. 난 열일곱이었고, 내가 아는 영어는 마이 네임 이즈 따위가 전부였다. 우리 학년에 한국인은 나 하나, 그리고 내 학년은 gcse 학년이라고도 하는, 10학년이었다. 거긴 랭귀지 스쿨이 아니었다. 이 말이 우습게 들리지만, 진짜 학교였다. 세상에는 터무니 없이 깡이 센 인간들이 있는데, 나는 그 부류에 엄마와 내가 들어간다고 생각한다. 겁은 많은 주제에 반드시 겁을 내야할 분야에 대해서는 눈을 감는다. 실은, 내 영국 유학은 정말 한 한달 안에 결정된 일이었다. 아버지가 석사를 따러 영국에 간다고 말했고, 그러면 나도 따라가야지 했다. 엄마는 그러면 나도 가야 한다고 말했다. 뭐 그렇게 결정된 일이었고 육개월 정도 시간이 있었던 것 같다. 엄마가 나에게, 근데 너 영국가는데 영어 학원이라도 다닐래 라고 물었는데 나는 공부가 하기 싫었다. 아니라고 했는데 진짜로 더 묻지 않았다. 그건 니 책임이니까, 하고 말했고 난 그냥 응 했다. 내 앞에 닥칠 일이 뭔지도 모르고 한 말이었다. 교실에 들어가서 자기소개를 한 순간 깨달았다. 내가 이 사람들의 말을 하나도 알아들을 수 없었다는걸. 옆자리 여자애가 말을 걸었는데 그게 무슨 말인지 몰랐다. 나중에 적어준 말을 보니 너 어느 나라에서 왔어 그런 말이었는데, 나는 그게 무슨 소리인지 몰랐다. 잡지책에 있는 향수 샘플을 맡아보라고 줬는데 그게 마약 맡아보라는 줄 알고 기겁했으니. 난 어디가서든 말 잘 한다는 소리를 듣는 애였다. 말 잘하고, 발표 잘 하고, 야무지고. 중학교 때도 공부를 엄청 잘하진 않았어도 그럭저럭 모범생 이야기는 들었는데. 여기서는 수업을 들어갔는데 수업을 알아들을 수가 없었다. 나는 반년 전의 내가 어떤 결정을 했던 건지, 영국에 가고 나서야 깨달은 거다. 시간이 가지 않았다. 얼어붙는다는 게 그런 걸까. 선생님이 붙여준, 친구 손을 잡고 따라다녔다. 얘는 내가 귀찮겠지. 그런 생각보다 무서운 건 도대체 이 사람이 무슨 말을 하는지 모르겠다는 거였다. 그래도 티를 내면 안 되겠다는 생각이 들었다. 어떻게든 듣고 아무거나 아는 단어를 이야기하고, 버스를 타고 돌아왔다. 그런데 정신이 멍했다. 학교는 괜찮냐고 물었는데 괜찮다고 했다. 한마디도 못했다고는 말하기 싫었다. 나는 그때부터 이상한 자존심이 셌으니까. 생각보다 사람은 위기상황에 들어가면 어떻게든 적응하는 법이다. 나는 어느 나라에서 왔느냐는 말도 모르는 것 치고는 적응하기 시작했다. 솔직히 말하면 적응할 수밖에 없었다. 그런데 참 자존심이 상하는 건, 농담을 할 수 없었다는 거다. 난 그게 너무 익숙하지 않았다. 뭔가 웃기고 싶은데 타이밍은 다 지나가고, 가끔 보이는 답답한 표정같은 것들이 숨을 턱 막히게 했다. 그게 왜 그렇게 자존심이 상했는지. 집에 돌아와서는 항상 텔레비전을 켰다. 하교하고 돌아오면 딱 유아용 프로그램이 할 시간이었다. 자막을 켜 두고 잘 때까지 텔레비전을 보고 또 봤던 것 같다. 가끔 뭔가 못 견딜 것 같은 느낌이 들면 상한 식빵을 들고 밖으로 나갔는데. 그걸 들고 가면 거의 오리들의 아이돌이 된 기분이 들었다. 어쨌든 오리들은 영어는 안 했으니까. 나는 말 안하는 생물이 세상에서 가장 편했다. 말 하는 짐승따위는 질색이야. 학교에서 나는 시시때때로 싸웠던 것 같은데. 거긴 시골이라 더 그랬는지. 아니면 학년에 딱 하나 있는 눈에 띄는 아시안이라 더 그랬는지. 꽤 친하다고 생각했던 애가, 너한테는 아시안 악취가 나서 같이 못 다니겠다고 했을 때 충동적으로 의자를 집어들었고, 다행히 그걸로 후려치기 전에 그 애가 내게서 달아났다. 한번은 한 학년 아래 아이들이 나를 빙 둘러싸고 뭐라고 욕을 하기 시작했던 것 같은데. 그때 마침 내가 조폭 영화를 좋아하던 때여서. 한놈씩 들어와 다 상대해줄테니까 하는 말도 안되는 이야기를 하며 악악 소리를 질렀더니, 확실히 미친 사람은 건드리지 않았다. 나는 쉴새없이 악악거리다, 인종차별을 이유로 교무실에 가서 그 아이들을 지목했다. 그때 교사가 해 준 이야기는 아직도 잊혀지지 않는데, 인종차별에 대해 항의하는 건 내 권리이며, 원하는 경우 경찰에 신고해주겠다고 했다. 살면서 그런 이야기까지 들은 건 처음이었다. 일 안 키우려는 게 보통 학교에서 하는 일 아닌가. 아무튼 그 뒤로는 정말로 아무도 나를 건드리지 않았다. 건드리면 성가셔지는 걸 알았는지. 그래도 나중에는, 늘 같이 다니는 친구들도 생겼던 것 같다. 이탈리아 혼혈이었던 그 애는 내 손을 잡고 자기 집으로 가서 라자냐를 만들어 주곤 했다. 그러면 몰래 사온 와인병을 홀짝홀짝 돌려 마시면서, 학교의 누구는 게이고 누구는 양성애자고 그런 얘기를 했던 것 같다. 그때는 왜 남이 무슨무슨 성애자인지가 그렇게 중요했을까. 그래도 둘 혹은 셋이 나란히 앉아서 이야기를 하는 건 꽤 괜찮았다. 나는 거의 응, 아니, 이 정도의 대화였지만. 마음이 좀 통하는 기분이 드는 것도 같아서. 그 동네에는 부모님과 함께 왔다가 돌아가지 않는 아이들이 많았다. 주로 한국인 가정에 맡기고 돌아가는 형태였는데, 나는 그 가디언 가정에서 거의 불협화음밖에 들은 기억이 안 났다. 오늘 내 가디언이 라면을 감췄어. 그거 우리 엄마가 먹으라고 준 건데. 그 사람들 위선자야. 한인 교회에서는 늘 그렇듯 싸움이 났고, 남에게 시비를 걸 기회만 호시탐탐 노리고 있었다. 누군가와 영화를 보고 돌아오던 날, 나는 이미 그 사실을 온 한인회가 다 알고 있다는 사실을 알아차렸다. 그래도 넘어졌을 때는 좀 괜찮았다. 아픈 건 괜찮냐고 걱정은 해 줬으니까. 집에 돌아오면 엄마가 물었다. 학교는 어땠어. 나는 항상 거의 괜찮다고 말했다. 그런데 두 사람은 괜찮아 보이지 않았다. 우리가 살던 집은 원래 살던 집보다 작고 방음이 안 돼서, 두 사람이 싸우는 소리가 잘 들렸다. 나는 두 사람이 하는 이야기 중에서, 경력단절, 상처, 무책임이라는 단어를 자주 들었다. 내가 오지 않았으면 어쩌면 그런 일이 생기지 않았으리라는 생각도 했다. 그럴 때마다 나는 식빵을 챙겼다. 이따금 그게 상하지 않은 꽤 멀쩡한 빵이었는데도, 모른척 했다. 나는 아무튼 말 하지 않는 짐승이 좋았다. 알아듣는 말이든 알아들을 수 없는 말이든 말 자체가 질색이었으니까. 영어 시간이었나. 존 스타인벡의 생쥐와 인간이 주제라고 했다. 아마 그게 내가 스타인벡을 처음 만난 순간이었을 텐데. 늘 그렇듯 집에 와서 어떻게든 따라가려고 책을 집어 들었는데 놓을 수가 없었다. 모르는 단어는 여전히 많았지만, 그래도 그걸 놓을 수가 없었다. 조지와 레니가 모닥불에 베이크드 빈을 데워먹는 장면이 왜 그렇게 좋았는지. 처음부터 끝까지 다 읽고나서는, 아예 그 부분만 읽고 또 읽었다. 결말을 알고 나서는 더 그랬다. 그순간이 좋았을지도 모르겠다. 적당히 희망에 차 있는 그 상황들이. 아마 그때 그 한인교회에서 나만큼 한국에 돌아가고 싶은 사람은 없었다. 보통 그들은 억지를 써서라도 남았고, 분명 그럴만한 이유가 있었을 거다. 그렇지만 나는 돌아가고 싶었다. 말이 부글부글 쌓여서 터질 것만 같았다. 예전보다 훨씬 더, 많은 걸 듣고 여러 가지를 말하게 되었는데도 부족하다는 생각이 들었다. 늘 가지고 다니던 노트에는 빼곡하게 글이 적혔다. 실은, 한국에 돌아가면 더 힘든 일 투성이일 테지만. 어쩌면 죄책감 때문이었을지도 모르겠다. 내가 거기에 있다면 누군가는 안심할 수 없고, 실시간으로 그녀의 커리어가 망가지고 있음을 눈치채 버렸으니까. 학교의 마지막 학기, 며칠 안 남았을 때는 그저 행복했다. 심지어 내게 아시안 악취가 난다고 했던 그녀가 말을 걸었을 때, 와, 아직도 너는 진짜 싫은데 내가 진짜 기분이 좋나 봐. 잘 지내, 라고 인사했을 정도였으니까. 그렇지만 아직도 식빵 한봉지를 들고 가던 그 호수는 눈 앞에 선하다. 아직도 그 오리들은 말 못하는 손님들을 반겨주고 있을까. 태평하게 꽥꽥거리면서, 내가 떠나고 싶을 때까지 곁에 있어줄까. 라자냐를 만들어 주던 그 애는 잘 지낼까. 거긴 대학 말고 별볼일 없는 도시라 다들 떠나버렸을까. 거기에 있을 때는 일분일초도 거기에 머무르기 싫었는데, 이상하게도 요즘은 종종 그리워진다. 다음 여행은 그곳으로 갈까 봐. 오리 말고는 아무것도 없는 그곳으로. 적어도 지금은 어느 나라에서 왔는지는 말해줄 수 있을 테니. Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 133 Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 146 Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 161 34
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137301 class="iamcmt" style="display:none;"> Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 66
137301 class='vcm '>
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 70
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 71
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 76
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 117
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 118
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 119
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 120
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 121
137301'> 바나나코우
Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 133
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 142
19/12/07 01:33
137301>삭제 주소복사
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 150
재미있게 읽었습니다. 사람은 한쪽이 차단되면 다른쪽이 계발되는 면이 있는것 같아요. 면벽수련이 그런거겠지만
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
137301>
137301>
