Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 278
홍차넷
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 34
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 45
Warning: Use of undefined constant r - assumed 'r' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 47
Warning: Use of undefined constant r - assumed 'r' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 51
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 237
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 34
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 45
Warning: Use of undefined constant r - assumed 'r' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 47
Warning: Use of undefined constant r - assumed 'r' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 51
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 237
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/zero_header.php on line 269
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/zero_header.php on line 300
Warning: Use of undefined constant title - assumed 'title' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 16
티타임
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 21
Warning: Use of undefined constant header - assumed 'header' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 31
- 다양한 주제에 대해 자유롭게 글을 작성하는 게시판입니다.
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_formmail - assumed 'use_formmail' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 519
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_category - assumed 'use_category' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/include/print_category.php on line 9
전체기타일상/생각꿀팁/강좌방송/연예도서/문학영화의료/건강문화/예술경제생활체육과학/기술철학/종교정치요리/음식역사여행육아/가정IT/컴퓨터음악창작게임스포츠사회오프모임
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/setup.php on line 29
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/setup.php on line 41
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 398
Warning: Use of undefined constant subject - assumed 'subject' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 402
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 403
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 405
Warning: Use of undefined constant total_comment - assumed 'total_comment' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 406
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Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 405
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Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 405
Warning: Use of undefined constant total_comment - assumed 'total_comment' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 406
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Warning: Use of undefined constant total_comment - assumed 'total_comment' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 406
Warning: Use of undefined constant subject - assumed 'subject' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 402
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 403
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 405
Warning: Use of undefined constant total_comment - assumed 'total_comment' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 406
Warning: Use of undefined constant subject - assumed 'subject' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 402
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 403
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 405
Warning: Use of undefined constant total_comment - assumed 'total_comment' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 406
Warning: Use of undefined constant subject - assumed 'subject' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 402
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 403
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Warning: Use of undefined constant total_comment - assumed 'total_comment' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 406
Warning: Use of undefined constant subject - assumed 'subject' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 402
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 403
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 405
Warning: Use of undefined constant total_comment - assumed 'total_comment' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 406
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 2
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/memo_replace.php on line 3
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 10
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_category - assumed 'use_category' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 40
| Date |
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 53 16/09/28 19:26:25 Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 56 |
| Name | 피아니시모 |
| Subject | 기억의 단편, 어린시절 내가 겪은 트라우마 (3) |
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6. 그 날이 언제였을까 정확한 날짜는 더 이상 기억이 안나지만 그때의 모습은 어제 일처럼 생생하게 기억한다. 아마 아직 오래 살았다고하면 뺨 맞을 내 입장에서 그때의 기억은 내 인생에서 영원히 지워지지 않을 기억중 하나로 남을 것이다. 앞서 말했듯이 고모는 정신적으로 이미 문제가 조금 보이는 상태였으며 이건 이미 부산에서부터 있었던 일로 추정된다. (이 부분은 어머니나 큰고모에게 얘기를 듣지 못했기때문에 정확하지 않다) 어쩃든 지금와서 생각해보면 분명 문제를 갖고 있었지만 이게 주기별로 나타나는 문제였고 우리 가족중에 그 누구 한명 고모가 정신적으로 문제가 있다는 걸 눈으로 본 사람은 없었기때문에 아무도 그에 대한 생각을 하지 않았다. 혼잣말을 한다던가 하는 거 역시 그냥 별 대수롭지 않게 여겼으니깐 그렇게 어느정도 시간이 지났을 무렵 위에서 말한 지워지지 않는 기억의 일이 발생한다. 내가 12살 초등학교 6학년이었던 떄의 일이다. 당시의 나는 학교가 끝나면 학원을 바로 가야했고 학원이 끝나고 나면 친구들과 함께 오락실에 갔었다. 학원에서 좀 늦게 끝나는 날엔 오락실로 가기엔 찝찝하다보니 (양아치들이 출몰하는 시간대는 피하려고했다.) 그때는 동네 놀이터로 가서 축구를 하곤 했다. 당시 동네엔 내또래 얘들이 많앗기때문에 일단 심심한데 뭐하지?싶으면 놀이터로 가면 축구를 하든 뭘하든 같이 놀 수 있는 친구들이 많았다. 그 날 역시 마찬가지로 나는 학원을 마치고 돌아와 밖에서 놀고 있었는데 이미 저녁시간따위 잊고 있었다(..) 아마 나를 제외한 모두 아이들이 어머니의 등짝스매싱을 맞을 각오를 해야했을 거다. 다들 그렇게 놀기에 여념이 없던 와중에 정말로 이제는 해가 떨어지다보니 다들 슬슬 등짝 걱정(?)을 하며 집으로 돌아갔다. 사실 나라고 걱정이 없는 건 아니었다. 어머니는 일하러 나가셨지만 집에는 고모가 있었고 고모라고 밥 거르고 놀고 다니는 나에게 말 한마디 안할까? 그렇게 슬금슬금 집으로 기어들어간 순간..나는 이걸 어떻게 해야할 지 모르는 상황이 펼쳐졌다 아니 정확하게 말하면 나는 경악+공포심으로 가득차게 되었다. 당시 집의 구조는 할아버지가 사용하는 안방을 중심으로 보자면 내 방은 안방의 왼쪽에 있었고 안방을 기준으로 아래쪽으로 화장실과 부모님이 쓰시는 작은 방이 있었다 집 자체가 작았기때문에 안방이 그나마 조금 공간이 있었고 나머지는 다 방들이 작았다. (안방 역시 크다고 말하긴 뭐했지만 그나마 가족들 모두가 모여 식사할 수 있는 공간이었다.) 그때 집에는 TV는 오직 안방에만 있었고 그 TV도 굉장히 무거운 돌덩이 같은 TV였다(..) 지금이야 굉장히 얇게 나오고 한다지만 그때 당시 TV는 겁나게 크고 무거웠는데 우리집 TV역시 마찬가지였으며 이 TV는 성인 남성 혼자서도 들기 힘들정도로 무거운 TV였다 내가 집에 들어갔을 떄 왜 놀랐냐면 첫째로 우선 고모가 얼마전까지 내가 봐왔던 고모와는 완전히 달라져있었다. 뭐 갑자기 외모가 바뀌었다 이런게 아니라 분위기부터 바뀐 상태에서 머리는 산발이 되어있었고 피부도 약간 살이 탄것마냥 꺼매진 상태였는데 나중에 알게된 사실이지만 고모가 정신적으로 문제를 일으킬떄마다 전조현상으로 드러나는 것중에 하나가 피부상태였다. (당시 난 고모가 피부가 까매지고 있었다는 걸 잘 모르고 있었는 데 아마 별 신경을 안썻기때문에 그냥 아무생각없이 넘어가서 그런거 같다.) 더 놀란 건 앞서 말한 저 남자도 혼자서는 들수 없는 저 TV를 어떻게 한건 지 안방에서 내 방으로 옮겨놓은 거였고 (그렇다고 고모가 힘이 세거나 체격이 좋은 것도 아니었다.) 당연히 유선이 모두 뽑힌 상태의 TV에서 정상적인 방송이 나올리가 없었다. 그럼에도 TV는 켜놓은 상태였고 (당연히 아무것도 나오지 않고 신호 안잡히면 나오는 형태로만 나오고 있었다) 방안은 완전히 난리가 나 있었다. (지금은 침대 없이 생활한다) 고모는 그렇게 침대 앞에서 쭈그리고 앉아서 혼자 무언가 중얼거리며 (뭔지 모르겠지만) 무언가 무서워하고 있엇다. 그리고 그걸 보는 나도 공포심에 완전히 넋이 나가버렸고 나는 어찌해야할지 몰라 그대로 주저앉아 벌벌 떨고만 있었을 뿐이었다. 7. 그 상황에서 초등학생이던 당시 나는 무엇을 어떻게 해야할 지 모르는 상태로 가만히 있었는데 몇분이 지난건지 몇시간이 지난건지도 모를 상황에서 곧 어머니와 할아버지가 집에 도착하였다. (아버지는 당시 일때문에 집에 못오는 상태였다.) 당연히 모두들 고모의 그 모습을 지켜봤고 다들 순간적으로 말을 잇지 못했다. 우선 어머니는 나를 안정시키고 부모님의 방으로 들어가게 하였고 곧 어머니는 고모와 대화를 하려했지만 고모는 무언가 공포에 질린듯 알 수 없는 말을 하였고 대화를 시도하던 어머니 역시 결국 포기하고 일단 고모 주변 방을 정리해준 뒤 고모가 혼자 있게 해주었다. 정확히 말하면 아에 손을 쓸 수가 없어서 어쩔 수 없이 고모 혼자 있게 내버려둔거에 가깝다고 봐야할 것이다. 그 날 나는 그렇게 부모님 방에서 자야했고 (안그러면 잘 곳이 없었다..) 어머니는 우선 큰고모에게 이 사실을 알렸는 데 큰 고모라고 딱히 뾰족한 수가 있을까? 어머니는 큰고모에게 얘는 무서워하고있고 xx(어머니는 고모를 언제나 고모들에게 성을 뺀 이름을 불러주며 잘 대해주었다. 고모들 역시 어머니를 좋아했고 사이가 매우 좋았다.) 가 갑자기 왜 이러지? 라면서 통화를 했는 데 이 이상은 기억이 나질 않는다. 그렇게 다음 날 아침이 밝았고 고모는 전날에 비해 정신이 어느정도 다시 되돌아와있었고 어머니는 그런 고모와 대화를 했으나 어제의 그 일에 대해서는 고모 역시 설명을 하지 못하였다. 아니 오히려 기억하지 못한다가 맞는 건지도 모르겠다. 전날 집에는 고모 혼자 있었기때문에 TV를 옮긴 사람 역시 고모였지만 고모는 자신이 그러했다는 사실을 전혀 자각하지 못하고 있었다. 다만 자기가 무언가에 쫒기듯 무서워하며 공포에 떨고 있었다는 사실은 알고 있었는데 이 증상은 고모가 정신적으로 문제가 생길떄마다 나타나는 증상이라는 건 좀 더 뒤에가서야 알게 된다. (이떄가지 가족들 그 누구도 이 사실을 몰랐기때문에 더 당황했었거였다.) 그리고 내가 이때 알게된 건 (정확히는 가족들이 나에게만 말하지 않앗던 건) 고모는 부산에서 있었던 일떄문에 정신과치료를 받고 있었다는 거였는 데 서울에 와서는 단 한번도 병원에 간 적이 없었다는 것이었다. 서울에 와서 단 한번도 문제를 일으킨 적이 없었기때문에 가족들 역시 고모에게 병원치료를 받으라는 말은 한마디도 하지 않았다. 아무도 고모의 그런 증상을 몰랐으니깐 하지만 이런 일을 겪게되자 어머니는 고모에게 정신과치료를 받는 것을 권유하였으며 고모 혼자 왔다갔다하게 하는 게 영 불안했던 어머니는 할아버지에게 지속적으로 고모를 데리고 병원에 다니라고 말하였다. (부모님은 아침일찍 나가 저녁 늦게 들어왔기때문에 같이 가줄 수가 없었다.) 문제는 고모가 어머니의 제안을 한시코 거부했다는 데 있었다. 고모가 거부하는 데 어머니라고 별 수 없었고 그나마 할아버지를 통해서라도 병원에 다니게 하고 싶었지만 할아버지는 아가 가기 싫다는 나가 어쩌겄냐라고 하실 뿐이었다. 무엇보다 저때의 일은 정말로 거짓말 같을 정도로 그 뒤의 고모는 다시 원래대로 돌아와있었기때문에 어머니 역시 더 이상은 말하지 않고 그대로 넘어갈 수밖에 없었다. 고모가 갖고 있는 문제점은 어느거 하나 해결되지 못한 상태로 그저 겉으로만 봉합된 채로 말이다 Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 133 Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 146 Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 161 1 이 게시판에 등록된 피아니시모님의 최근 게시물
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55007 class="iamcmt" style="display:none;"> Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 66
55007 class='vcm '>
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 70
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55007'> 기아트윈스
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Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 142
16/09/28 21:45
55007>삭제 주소복사
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 150
잘 읽고 있어요. 다음 편도 꼭 써주세요
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
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