Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 278
홍차넷
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 34
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 45
Warning: Use of undefined constant r - assumed 'r' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 47
Warning: Use of undefined constant r - assumed 'r' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 51
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 237
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 34
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 45
Warning: Use of undefined constant r - assumed 'r' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 47
Warning: Use of undefined constant r - assumed 'r' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 51
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 237
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/zero_header.php on line 269
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/zero_header.php on line 300
Warning: Use of undefined constant title - assumed 'title' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 16
추천
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 21
Warning: Use of undefined constant header - assumed 'header' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 31
- 회원들이 추천해주신 좋은 글들을 따로 모아놓는 공간입니다.
- 추천글은 매주 자문단의 투표로 선정됩니다.
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_formmail - assumed 'use_formmail' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 519
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_category - assumed 'use_category' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/include/print_category.php on line 9
전체기타일상/생각꿀팁/강좌게임문학영화의료/건강문화/예술경제체육/스포츠과학철학/종교정치/사회요리/음식역사여행IT/컴퓨터음악창작사진
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/setup.php on line 29
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/setup.php on line 41
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 389
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 398
Warning: Use of undefined constant subject - assumed 'subject' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 402
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 403
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 405
Warning: Use of undefined constant total_comment - assumed 'total_comment' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 406
Warning: Use of undefined constant subject - assumed 'subject' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 402
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 403
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 405
Warning: Use of undefined constant total_comment - assumed 'total_comment' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 406
Warning: Use of undefined constant subject - assumed 'subject' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 402
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 403
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 405
Warning: Use of undefined constant total_comment - assumed 'total_comment' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 406
Warning: Use of undefined constant subject - assumed 'subject' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 402
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 403
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 405
Warning: Use of undefined constant total_comment - assumed 'total_comment' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 406
Warning: Use of undefined constant subject - assumed 'subject' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 402
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 403
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 405
Warning: Use of undefined constant total_comment - assumed 'total_comment' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 406
Warning: Use of undefined constant subject - assumed 'subject' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 402
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 403
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 405
Warning: Use of undefined constant total_comment - assumed 'total_comment' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 406
Warning: Use of undefined constant subject - assumed 'subject' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 402
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 403
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 405
Warning: Use of undefined constant total_comment - assumed 'total_comment' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 406
Warning: Use of undefined constant subject - assumed 'subject' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 402
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 403
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 405
Warning: Use of undefined constant total_comment - assumed 'total_comment' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 406
Warning: Use of undefined constant subject - assumed 'subject' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 402
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 403
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 405
Warning: Use of undefined constant total_comment - assumed 'total_comment' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 406
Warning: Use of undefined constant subject - assumed 'subject' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 402
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 403
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 405
Warning: Use of undefined constant total_comment - assumed 'total_comment' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 406
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 2
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/memo_replace.php on line 3
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 10
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_category - assumed 'use_category' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 40
| Date |
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 53 17/02/11 01:12:07 Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 56 |
| Name | 기쁨평안 |
| Subject | 살아온 이야기 |
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사실 지금이야 타임라인에 사랑스러운 아기들 사진 올리고, 유쾌한듯 보이지만 누구나 그렇듯이 저도 살아오면서 사연이 있는 사람입니다. 지금은 좀 많이 흐려지긴 했지만, 선천적으로 얼굴에 붉은 반점을 가지고 태어났습니다. 모세혈관 확장증이라고 해서 얼굴 부분에 모세혈관이 많아서요. 겉에서 보기에도 붉은 반점이 얼글 한쪽을 덮고 있거든요. 이런 증세를 가진 자로 가장 유명한 사람은 고르바초프입니다.....생각해보이 이 사람도 이젠 너무 옛날 사람이네요. 어쨌든...그렇게 살아가다가, 초등학교 4학년때 서울 강남으로 이사를 가게 되었는데, 거기서 정말 심각한 집단 괴롭힘을 당했습니다. 매일 매일이 진짜 지옥과도 같았어요. 매일 누군가의 청소를 대신해줘야 했고, 개처럼 교실 바닥을 기어야 하기도 하고, 용돈 뺐기는건 부지기수였죠..부모님은 항상 용돈을 어디다 쓰냐고 저를 혼내셨고, 저는 가뜩이나 제 얼굴을 보며 슬퍼하는 부모님에게 차마 학교에서 괴롭힘을 당한다고 말할 수가 없었습니다. 한 두번 말한 적이 있었는데, 사실 저를 괴롭히는 아이들은 마치 버섯처럼 계속 돋아났기 때문에 뭘 어떻게 할 수가 없는 상황이었죠. 정말 충격적이었던 것은, 저를 정말 괴롭히던 정말 악랄한 놈이 중학교에 가서도 같은 학교로 배정이 되었는데, 거기서 사춘기를 겪으며 정말 좋은 성격의 아이로 거듭났다는 겁니다. 그래서 전교에서 정말 성격이 좋은 친구로 유명해진거죠. 저는 그걸 용납하기가 너무 어려웠어요. 물론 그 놈하고는 중학교에선 그냥 남남처럼 지냈지만. 집단괴롭힘은 정말 세상에서 가장 악독한 범죄중 하나라고 생각해요. 일단 당하는 사람이 정신이 퇴행을 하거든요. 진짜 아기처럼 되어버려요. 부모님한테 더 떼를 쓰게되고, 어리광을 피우게 되고, 그런 부모님은 저를 더 이해를 못하고 (초등학교 6학년이 맨날 업어달라고 하면 누가 감당하겠어요..?) 그리고 집단괴롭힘, 왕따는 사실 실제 주도하는 사람이 있고, 거기에 동조를 하는 사람들이 있고, 또 그것을 방관하거나 침묵하는 다수의 사람들로 구성이 되는데, 그 모든 것이 피해자에게는 숨막히게 하는 원인이 됩니다. 교식 구석에서 신나게 처맞고 있는데 방관하는 아이들은 자기들 끼리 너무 행복하고 즐겁게 놀거든요. 사실 다 가해자야! 라고 외치고 싶지만...그럼 너무 억울하신 분들도 많을 것 같아서 ... 누군가가 저와 친구가 되면 그 친구도 같이 괴롭힘을 당하게 되는...그런 악순환 속에서 저를 지탱해준건 분노였습니다. 하지만 저는 성격이 내성적인 편이고, 또 막 싸움을 하는 성격도, 육체적인 힘도 없는 아이라, 그 분노는 제 자신을 파괴했죠.. 게다가 저희 집은 아버지가 첫째시고 저에겐 또 형이 한명 있는 바람에, 그 형에게 집안의 모든 관심이 쏠리면서 차별대우도 많이 받았어요. 그 형이 저보다 키도 훨씬 크고, 운동도 엄청 잘한데다, 머리도 엄청 좋아서 공부도 잘했거든요. 진짜 어디 하나 마음둘데 없이 초등학교를 보내다 중학교에 가서, 그나마 처음으로 친구라는 존재를 사귀게 되었어요. 하지만 초등학교때 교우관계를 제대로 경험해보지 못한 저는 중학교에서 굉장히 서툴렀고, 나중에는 역시나 친구 한명 없이 졸업을 하게 됩니다. 그리고 고등학교에 올라가서야 겨우 한 두명의 친구를 사귀게 되고..어쩌다 보니 대학에 와서야 비로서 지긋지긋한 트라우마를 벗어나게 되었어요. 어릴 적에는 없던 레이져 시술 장비도 우리나라에 들어와 얼굴의 붉은 반점도 정말 많이 좋아졌거든요. 하지만 진짜 한참의 세월이 흐른 뒤에도 문득 문득 그때의 일이 떠올라요. 마치 머리속에 번개가 치듯이 그 순간들이 생생하게 떠오르더라고요. 저는 그러면 그 순간에 저도 모르게 마구 욕설을 내뱉었어요. 마치 틱 장애같았어요. 그걸로 오해를 산 적도 정말 많았고요. 너무 아재스럽지만, "아이러브스쿨"이라는 서비스가 있었어요. 그때 그 친구들 모임에 나갔었는데, 나간 이유는 '너희들이 벌레처럼 취급했던 나는 정말 다른 인간이 되었다. 한번 봐라 이 새끼들아.' 이런 생각이었어요. 하지만 저를 절망시켰던 건, 대부분이 아이들이 그런 사실 자체를 기억못하고 있다는 거에요. 그리고 저를 가장 주도적으로 괴롭혔던 천하의 나쁜 새끼는 활달한 성격의 쾌남이 되어있더라고요. 몇번 째의 모임에서 술 취해서 '그때 때려서 미안하다'고 하는데...진짜 죽여버리고 싶었어요. 바로 자리를 박차고 나와 버스로 30분 거리를 걸어갔어요. 두시간 반 정도 걸린거 같아요. 대학교때 정말 좋은 친구들을 만나면서 저의 컴플렉스가 많이 치유가 됐어요. 그리고 그러다보니 여러분. 그런 저를 좋아해주는 여학생도 생기더라고요. 그래서 첫 연애를 시작했는데, 정말 그 여인이 저를 정말 많이 고쳐줬어요. 여러분. 솔로라고 절망하지 마세요. 그 당시 저는 진찌 얼굴에 흉측한 붉은 반점이 있었고, 성격은 꼬일 대로 배배 꼬인대다, 정서적으로는 늘 분노에 가득차셔 세상을 항상 비관적으로 염세적으로만 바라보고 있었거든요. 집안형편도 넉넉하지 못해서 엄청 쪼들리면서 살았어요. 학교 구내 식당에 카페테리아식 식당이 있어요. 밥은 500원, 국은 800원, 반찬은 200원 이런식으로 해서 자기가 먹고 싶은 것을 골라오면 마지막에 3, 4천원에 푸짐하게 먹을 수 있는 식당이었는데, 거기서 전 밥만 사먹은 적도 많아요. 반찬은 친구들이 먹다 남은거, 아니면 리필해온거 가지고 먹고. 또 그당시 학교 매점에 팔도 도시락 컵라면이 350원에 팔았는데, 그걸로 한끼 먹던지, 아니면 초콜렛 가나 크런키가 300원이었고 우유가 250원인가 했던 거 같은데 그렇게 두개 먹으면 또 배가 더부룩해서 한끼 버티고 그렇게 살았어요. (물론 어쩌다 과외를 하게 되면 좀 풍족해지기도 했지만, 없던 적이 더 많아서..) 그래서 저는 정말 세월이 흐르면서 더 나아졌어요. 좋은 친구들도 많이 생기고, 연애도 하고, 군대가서 해어졌지만, 그래도 '나도 연애를 할 수 있구나.'라는 걸 깨달은 것만으로도 정말 큰 위로가 되었거든요. 사실 어떻게 보느냐에 따라 제 상황은 다르게 평가될 수 있는 것 같아요. 사이좋은 부모님(하지만 오직 큰아들만 사랑하는), 나름 4년제 인서울대학(하지만 서울대 다니는 형이 있는), 좋은 친구들이 있는(하지만 그 친구들은 저마다 진짜 친한 고등학교 친구나 어릴적 친구가 있고 대학친구는 약간 2옵션인데, 나는 친구라고는 그들 밖에 없는), 집안이 적당히 사는 중산층(하지만 나는 용돈이 늘 부족해서 진짜 겨우겨우 살아가는) 그런데 그 당시 제 성격은 저런 주변 환경과는 별도로, 워낙 여러가지 상황으로 영향을 받은 터라 뒤죽박죽이었는데, 결과적으로는 굉장히 (악에 받친) 똘끼 충만한 상황이었어요. 더이상 잃을 것이 없는 사람이 갖게 되는 '뵈는게 없는 상태'??? 그러다보니 호감이 가는 여학생에게도 좀 막 들이댈 수 있었던 것 같아요. 남성 여러분~ 진짜로 이성에게 어필하는데 가장 중요한건 자신감입니다. 그리고 진짜 사랑을 해주면 됩니다. 외모와 경제력은 그 다음이에요. 물론 오래 가고, 어떤 결실을 맺으려면 그런 것들도 필요하긴 하지만, 일단 시작하는데에는 자신감과 진심이면 되는 거 같아요. 군대 제대를 하고 취직을 하고. 여러가지 상황은 좋아보였지만, 사실 그 때까지도 제 내면의 상처는 전혀 치유되지 않았어요. 여전히 틱같이 허공에다 욕설을 퍼붓거나 이불을 뒤집어쓰고 몸부림 치는 경우도 많았고요.. 부모님의 경우에는 저도 형만큼은 아니지만 잘 살고 있다는 것을 인정받기 위해 엄청 노력했는데, 아무리 그렇게 애를 써도 부모님 눈에는 저는 그냥 얼굴에 붉은 반점....그니까 일종의 장애가 있고 형버다 덜떨어진, 등신같은 아들일 뿐이더라고요. 언젠가, 정말 제 나름대로 증거들을 확실히 모은 적이 있어요. 나도 내 나름대로 잘 했다. 부모님의 그런 평가는 잘못된 거다. 이걸 정말 증명하고 싶었어요. 그래서 그 순간이 되었을 때 부모님에게 들이댔어요. 왜 이렇게 나를 무시하느냐. 나도 잘 산다. 하지만, 부모님은 정말 끝까지, 끝까지 인정을 안하시더라고요. 와.....그 때 깨달았어요. 세상에는 자신의 잘못을 뉘우치지 못하는 부류의 인간들이 있구나.. 오히려 인정을 하니까 또 납득이 가는 부분이 있더라고요. 하지만, 제 마음은 진짜 너무 괴로웠거든요..샤워기를 틀어놓고 정말 패륜적인 상상을 하면서 허공에다 주먹질을 얼마나 해댔는지 몰라요. 그러한 패륜적인 상상을 종류별로 다양하게 전개하면서 얼마나 분노에 온몸이 뒤틀렸는지 몰라요.. 그래서 사실 저는 그러한 상처를 극복하는데 기독교 신앙의 도움을 많이 받았습니다. 어떤 분들은 교회로 인해서 상처가 더 많으신것 같지만, 저 같은 경우에는 오히려 어렸을 적에 교회에 나가지 않았기 때문에 그런 상처를 덜 받지 않았나.. 아니면 살아오면서 겪은게 더 커서 둔감해졌나...뭐 그런 생각을 해봅니다. 그리고, 아마 대부분의 크리스찬들이 그러실 텐데, 어떤 종교를 믿게 된다는 것은, 그 안에 어떤 철학이나 교리를 믿고 받아들이는 것도 있지만 그런 인간의 인식체계를 넘어서는 어떤 초자연적인 경험이 반드시 동반이 됩니다. 네 저도 그러한 경험이 있었습니다. 이런 부분은 사실 100% 주관적인 것이라 남에게 설명을 한다해도 완전히 이해가 되는 부분은 아닙니다. 하지만 제 자신에게는 그러한 경험이 있었어요. 그래서 신앙에 대해 공격을 받을 때에 그래도 반박하지 않습니다. 그건 말로 설명이 안되는 영역이거든요. 어쨌든 저는 마음이 너무 괴로웠습니다. 복수심에 불파지만, 그 대상인 초등학교 인간들은 어디있는지도 모르고 또 그 뒤로 시간이 너무 흘러 이젠 다른 사람이 되어있는 상황...또 부모님에 대해 복수하고 싶고 원망이 가득하지만 또 인정받고 싶은 욕망이랑 섞여있는 상황. 하루에도 수십번씩 생각으로 살인을 저지르는 날들이 많았어요. 그러다 정신차려보면 저녁입니다. 하루종일 수십번, 수백번씩 분노에 몸을 떨며, 복수심에 가득차 살인을 한 사람의 마음이 어떤지 여러분 짐작이 가십니까? 그런데 그런 하루를 보내도, 다음날이 되면 바뀐게 하나도 없었습니다. 그냥 매일매일이 지옥같았어요. 그래서 저는 신앙의 힘을 빌러....그들을 용서하기 시작했습니다. 용서를 하고, 또 그러한 일이 떠올라서 욕을 하게 되면 그 바로 다음에 기도하고... 그렇게 하다보니 진짜 잊혀지더라고요. 사실 얼마 전까지만 해도 제가 당했던 괴로움들이 다 생생하게 기억이 나서 괴로웠는데, 지금은 '그때 괴로웠지...?'하는 기억정도만 있지 구체적으로 어땠는지는 모르겠더라고요. 부모님과의 문제도....이러니 저러니 해도 결국 제가 용서를 하니까 다 해결이 되더라고요. 요새는 오히려 정말 더 좋게 잘 지내게 되었습니다. 그러다보니 인상도 점점 더 부드러워 지면서 표정도 자연스러워 지고...그러면서 좀 더 매력을 어필 할 수 있는 사람이 된 것 같아요. 그래서 지금의 부인을 만나게 되고, 회사 안에서도 더 좋은 인상을 보여줄수 있게 된 것 같습니다. 아...지금 엄청 졸린 상황에서 횡설수설하느라 글이 매끄럽지 않습니다. 하지만 그냥...제 이야기가 또 누군가에게 힘이 될 수 있다면 그것만으로 만족할 것 같습니다. 감사합니다. * 수박이두통에게보린님에 의해서 티타임 게시판으로부터 게시물 복사되었습니다 (2017-02-20 09:14) * 관리사유 : 추천게시판으로 복사합니다. Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 133 Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 146 Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 161 38
이 게시판에 등록된 기쁨평안님의 최근 게시물
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Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 185
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_comment - assumed 'use_comment' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 540
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 542
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 543
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 545
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 576
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
Warning: Use of undefined constant grant_delete - assumed 'grant_delete' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 425
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 429
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_formmail - assumed 'use_formmail' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 599
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 599
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 600
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 600
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 609
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 609
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 614
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 616
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 618
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 618
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 612
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 612
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 620
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 640
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 644
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/cmt_replace.php on line 3
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 6
Warning: Use of undefined constant file_name - assumed 'file_name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 28
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 65
8140 class="iamcmt" style="display:none;"> Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 66
8140 class='vcm '>
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 70
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 71
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 76
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 117
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 118
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 119
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 120
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 121
8140'> lagom
Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 133
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 142
17/02/11 01:19
8140>삭제 주소복사
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 150
요즘 마음이 좀 힘들어서 그런 걸까요,
읽다보니 눈물이 주르륵 흘렀어요.
이야기 나눠주셔서 감사합니다 :)
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
읽다보니 눈물이 주르륵 흘렀어요.
이야기 나눠주셔서 감사합니다 :)
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
8140>
8140>
