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홍차넷
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티타임
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- 다양한 주제에 대해 자유롭게 글을 작성하는 게시판입니다.
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_formmail - assumed 'use_formmail' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 519
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전체기타일상/생각꿀팁/강좌방송/연예도서/문학영화의료/건강문화/예술경제생활체육과학/기술철학/종교정치요리/음식역사여행육아/가정IT/컴퓨터음악창작게임스포츠사회오프모임
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| Date |
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 53 18/10/07 23:41:00 Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 56 수정됨 |
| Name | 일자무식 |
| Subject | 욕망하지 않는 것을 욕망함에 대하여 |
|
고작 한 살 차이밖에 나지 않는 D를, 나는 꼬박꼬박 누나라고 존칭을 붙이고 존대를 한다. 그것은 10년 전 우리가 처음 알게 되었을 때부터 그래야 했기 때문이기도, 350여일의 젊음을 핑계로 가볍게 놀리거나 얻어먹는 것이 자연스러운 손아래로서의 지위를 굳이 포기할 이유도 없기 때문이기도 하지만, 가장 중요한 이유는 누나동생 관계만이 내가 D와 맺을 수 있는 유일하면서 최선의 관계인 탓이다. 그 이상의 관계란 가당치도 바라지도 아니한 것이며 심지어는 가능태조차 아니라고 할 수 있다. 누나동생 관계는 이점이 많다. 상대방에 대한 의무와 긴장으로부터 많은 부분 자유로우며 오직 반가움과 선의만 있으면 충분하다. 관계만 단단하다면 누나 쪽의 지출이나 리드가 꽤 일방적이어도 상관없다. 애인이나 친구라면 몰라도, 동생은 그래도 되니까. 특히나 그 동생이 별 수입도 없으면서 멀리서 그저 누나를 보기 위해 찾아오는 경우라면 더욱 말이다. 동생의 입장에서 누나에게 조금 닭살돋는 칭찬을 해도 부담없이 받아들일 수도 있다. 나는 오늘 D에게 10년만에 처음으로, 그리고 엄마 외의 여성에게 처음으로 누나 정말 예쁘다고, 날이 갈수록 더 예뻐진다고 얘기했다. 물론 지난 10년간 D가 예쁘다고 생각하지 않은 적은 단 하루도 없었다. 가슴에서 느끼고 머리에서 되뇌이고, 그리고 입 안에서 맴돌다 멈칫거리던 그 말의 무게를 마침내 덜어낼 수 있었던 것도, D가 그답게 가볍지만 또한 소중하게 말을 다룰 수 있었던 것도 D에게 내가 남자 아닌 동생이어서일 것이라 생각한다. 그러지 않았다면 불필요하게 그런 말을 꺼낼 생각 자체가 없었을테니. 누나동생 사이란 이렇듯 편안한 관계이고 이것이 내가 바라던 바지만, 동시에 편한 관계[일 뿐]이기도 하다. 내가 D에게서 발견하고자 하는 얼굴이자 발견할 수 있는 유일한 얼굴은 자애롭고 우아한 누나의 얼굴 단 한 가지이다. 하지만 내가 잊어야 하지만 결코 잊을 수 없는 명백한 사실은 D는 나의 경애하는 누나이기 이전에 평범한 욕망을 지닌 한 명의 여자라는 것이다. D는 저녁 약속이 있다며 나와 더 오래 있어주지 못한 것을 아쉬워했다. 나는 그 아쉬움이 거짓이 아님을 알지만, 설령 거짓이라 한들 내겐 섭섭해할 권리가 없다. 하지만 나로선 결코 목격할 일이 없는 D의 '여자의 얼굴'을 누군가는 늘 바라본다는 '사실'이 나를 씁쓸하게 만든다. 이는 그 누군가에 대한 질투심도, '여자의 얼굴'을 보고픈 소망과는 다르다. 문제는 그 '사실' 자체, 명백하게 내가 가닿을 수 없는 어떤 지점 너머의 영역이 존재한다는 사실 자체인 것이다. 다시 돌아가자. 편한 관계에선 편한 이야기 밖에 할 수 없다. '상호존중'이란 실상 가장 쉽고 편리한 소통의 방식일 것이다. 단언컨대 상호존중이 전부인 관계에선 호의는 생겨날진대 격정적인 애정이란 발생할 틈이 없다. 부부가 그런 관계라면 계약결혼과 다름없을 것이다. 친구든 애인이든 진짜 애정은 [상대의 영역을 침범해 내 것으로 만들 때, 동시에 나의 영역을 상대에게 전적으로 내어줄 때] 탄생한다. 여기서 '나를 내어준다'는 것은 수여가 아닌 바침이자 공유함을 뜻한다. 즉 여자에게 여자의 얼굴을 부여하는 것은 남자요, 남자에게 남자의 얼굴을 부여하는 것도 여자인 셈이다. 젠더혐오적이라고 하든지 말든지 상관없다. 이게 사실이니까. (물론 이성애커플의 경우) 나는 그저 존중하고 경애하는 법만을 알 뿐, 침범과 정복에 대해선 아무것도 이해하는 바가 없다. 아까 말은 거짓말이다. 나는 여자의 얼굴을 한 D가 너무 궁금하다. 그리고 D를 여자이게 하는 그는 더욱 궁금해서 미칠 것 같다. 나의 안이하며 유일한 방식으론 어림잡는 것조차 불가능하기 때문에. 프랑수아즈 사강은 머릿속에선 시속 600km로 달리고자 하지만 실제 느낌은 3km 밖에 나가지 않는듯 하다며 욕망과 현실에 대한 기막힌 비유를 했다. 그리고 도스토예프스키는 잘 알려져 있듯이 지독한 도박중독자였다. 하지만 말은 그렇게 해도 사강은 스포츠카를 제멋대로 몰다가 기어코 교통사고로 중상을 입은 인물이며 도스토예프스키는 (도박중독을 딛고가 아니라 도박중독의 힘으로!) 불후의 천재가 되었다. 하지만 나는... 할 수 있는 게 없다. 나도 파멸의 냄새로 가득한, 하지만 분명히 진보를 의미하는 욕망 이전의 욕망의 목소리에 손짓하고 싶다. 하지만 그러기엔 나는... 가장 비현실적인 삶을 살면서도 현실감각에 기대야하는 무력한 아이이다. 내가 할 수 있는 것은... 소설이나 읽으며 대리만족하는 것과 지독한 자기 혐오뿐이다. 내가 D의 마음에서 최우선순위가 되는 날이 오리라곤 당연히 일말의 가능성조차 없는 일이며 그건 물론 말할 필요도 없는 것이다. 하지만 그런 현실과 별개로 눈 가리고 아웅하며 안주하는 나는... 용서할 수가 없다. '사랑의 열병' 그런 병신같지만 멋있는 짓(혹은 멋있는 것 같지만 병신같은 짓)을 나는 다시 할 수나 있을까? Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 133 Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 146 Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 161 20 이 게시판에 등록된 일자무식님의 최근 게시물 |
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Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 640
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 644
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/cmt_replace.php on line 3
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 6
Warning: Use of undefined constant file_name - assumed 'file_name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 28
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 65
115809 class="iamcmt" style="display:none;"> Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 66
115809 class='vcm '>
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 70
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 71
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 76
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 117
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 118
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 119
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 120
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 121
115809'> 알료사
Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 133
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 142
18/10/07 23:51
115809>삭제 주소복사
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 150
아마도? ㅎ 살다보면 참 알 수 없는 일들이 별 이상한 타이밍에 일어나지요 ㅎ 누군가 일자무식님을 <침범>해 온다든가 하는..
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
115809>
115809>
