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홍차넷
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티타임
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- 다양한 주제에 대해 자유롭게 글을 작성하는 게시판입니다.
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전체기타일상/생각꿀팁/강좌방송/연예도서/문학영화의료/건강문화/예술경제생활체육과학/기술철학/종교정치요리/음식역사여행육아/가정IT/컴퓨터음악창작게임스포츠사회오프모임
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| Date |
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 53 18/09/21 23:52:03 Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 56 |
| Name | 알료사 |
| Subject | 갑옷 |
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이십대 중반쯤인가.. 저를 많이 아껴주시던 형(이라고는 해도 당시에 이미 삼십대 후반)이 저보고 그러더라구요. 알료사 너는 어떨때 보면 꼭 중세시대 기사 같다는 생각이 들어.. 저는 그걸 칭찬으로 받아들여서 아, 그래요? 감사합니다 하고 헤헤 웃었죠. 기사 하면 떠오르는 여러 미덕들 있잖아요. 저에게서 그런 면모를 보았다는 줄로만 알고. 그런데 그게 아니었어요. 형은 뭐가 좋다고 그리 웃냐는 표정으로 잠시 후 무겁게 말을 이었어요. 너는.. 단단한 갑옷으로 온몸을 둘러싸고 자신을 보여주려 하지 않아.. 심지어 얼굴조차도.. 그렇게 두려워? 너 주위 사람들이 모두가 너를 찌르고 베고 상처주려 하려는것 같아? 순간 처음의 기사라는 말이 칭찬이 아니었다는 사실에 겸연쩍고 당황스러워 아무 대꾸도 못했어요. 나중에 혼자만의 시간을 갖게 되자 은근 빡치더라구요. 내가 이 갑옷을 갖추기 위해 얼마나 애써왔는지 당신이 아냐고. 좋은 철을 구해서 노련한 대장장이에게 의뢰해 만든 최고급 갑옷이라고. 이 무거운 갑옷을 입고 나 자신을 자유롭게 운신할 수 있도록 얼마나 고통스러운 담금질의 시간을 거쳐왔는지 당신이 아냐고. 그 힘겨운 시간을 이겨내고 이제 겨우 내가 이 고마운 갑옷을 입고 전쟁터 같은 세상을 살아갈 수 있게 되었는데 뭐가 어쩌고 저째? 등등의 말들을 형에게 바로 쏘아붙이지 못했던게 분했어요. 저는 저의 갑옷에 대한 자부심이 있었어요. 그 갑옷으로 나 자신을 보호하면서 다른 사람들과 부대꼈죠. 니들 몸은 니들이 지켜.. 세상은 원래 그런 곳이잖아.. 하면서. 지금의 저는.. 갑옷을 벗은거 같아요. 저 자신이 거추장스러워서 벗었는지, 누군가가 나 모르게 벗겨냈는지 모르겠지만 아무튼간에.. 왜때문일까.. 아마도 강함에 대한 동경이었던거 같아요. 예전에는 제가 받는 데미지를 줄이는 것이 강해지는 길이라 믿었었는데, 점점 맨몸으로 상처받아가며 살아가는 사람들 앞에서 괜히 작아지는 듯한 기분이 들었어요. 특히 제가 상처입힌 사람들이 아랑곳하지 않고 저에게 다가와 줄때면 더더욱. 자계서 중에 <상처받을 용기>라는 제목을 한 책이 있다지요? 읽어보지는 않았지만 아마 지금의 제 이야기와는 다른 내용인걸로 알고 있는데 그 책이 나오기 전부터 저는 그런 생각을 했던거 같아요. 나는 상처받을 용기를 가지고 있지 못하구나. 그래서 나에게는 없는데 누군가에게는 있는 그것을 부러워하기 시작했고, 무섭고 겁나면서도 그것을 가져 보려고 욕심냈었던거 같아요. 그래서 지금은.. 벗은거 같아요. 갑옷. 완전하진 않지만.. 아직도 여전히 상처받는건 무섭습니다. 그래서 툭하면 이리저리 도망다니고 숨고 피하고 그럽니다. 어쩌면 갑옷 대신 36계를 새로운 무기로 장착했는지도 모르지요ㅋ 그런데 그 도망다니는 길에서 만나는 사람들은 이제 제 맨몸을 봐요. 제가 숨은 것을 어떻게 알고 나도 여기 잠깐 있어도 될까, 하고 제 옆에 앉는 사람들도 갑옷을 벗은 저를 봅니다. 오래전에 연락이 끊긴 옛날의 그 형에게도 지금의 저를 보여 주고 싶어요. 저 어떠냐고. 이제 제 몸이 보이시냐고. 제 몸의 흉터들과 제 얼굴과 제 표정이 보이시냐고. 이제 찡그리기도 하고 울기도 하고 미소짓기도 하고 너털웃음도 터뜨린다고. . . . 어느 펑 탐라글을 읽고 떠올린 옛 기억입니다. 작성자분께서 지우고 싶어한 주제를 다시 끌어오는 일이 실례가 될까 하여 조심스러운데 이 경험 자체는 저의 것이고 저 또한 언젠가 하고 싶었던 이야기라서 일단 올려 봅니다. 혹시 문제된다면 삭제하겠습니다. Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 133 Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 146 Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 161 10 이 게시판에 등록된 알료사님의 최근 게시물
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Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 640
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 644
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/cmt_replace.php on line 3
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 6
Warning: Use of undefined constant file_name - assumed 'file_name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 28
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 65
115056 class="iamcmt" style="display:none;"> Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 66
115056 class='vcm '>
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 70
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 71
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 76
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 117
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 118
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 119
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 120
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 121
115056'> futile devices
Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 133
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 142
18/09/22 00:20
115056>삭제 주소복사
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 150
(하지만 얼굴 인증은 많이 했따고 한다)
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
3
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
3
115056>
115056>
