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홍차넷
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티타임
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- 다양한 주제에 대해 자유롭게 글을 작성하는 게시판입니다.
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전체기타일상/생각꿀팁/강좌방송/연예도서/문학영화의료/건강문화/예술경제생활체육과학/기술철학/종교정치요리/음식역사여행육아/가정IT/컴퓨터음악창작게임스포츠사회오프모임
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| Date |
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| Name | YORDLE ONE |
| Subject | 2015년 11월 29일의 일기 |
|
지금은 돌아가신 아버지를 간병하며 개인용 블로그에 썼던 일기입니다. 저는 일기에 아버지를 아빠 -_- 라고 씁니다 후후 원래 지금 제 개인게시판에서는 호스피스 병동에서 가족을 간병하는 상황인 분들에게 팁;; 같은걸 적고 있는게 있었는데 이게 언제 완성될지 벌써 반년이나 미뤄져버려서.. 호스피스 병동의 생활을 조금이라도 알아볼수 있는 글이 이게 아닌가.. 해서 한번 옮겨보았습니당 자.. 자유롭게 글을 작성하는 게시판이잖아요! -- 오늘도 간병을 하였다. 오늘은 계속 잤다. 아빠가 자길래 나도 계속 잤지 나도 누워서 쿨쿨 자다가 이런저런 소리때문에 문득 눈을 떠보면 아빠가 눈을 게슴츠레 뜨고 보호자 침대에 누워있는 나를 보고있다가 다시 스르륵 감으며 잠드는걸 몇번이나 보았다. 사실 아빠는 안 자는게 아닐까. 아빠는 휴대폰 다루는 방법을 잊어버린 사람처럼 행동했다. 호스피스 오기 전까진 그래도 시간 확인은 휴대폰으로 했었으면서 단축번호 쓰는법도 몰라서 헤매다니 정말 너무한다. 아빠 전화로 엄마에게 전화를 걸어준 후 아빠에게 바꿔줬다. 엄마가 무슨 말을 하는지 들리진 않앗어도 왠지 다 알 것 같은 뻔한 대화내용이 들려왔다. 할 말이 없겠지. 그냥 이야기를 한다는게 중요한 시점이다. 뭔가 바깥에서 새로운 내용이 있어도 그걸 듣는 사람에게 그 정보가 가치가 없다면 전해주는것도 공허한 일이 된다. 나도 아빠에게 일하다가 전화를 걸지만, 목소리가 듣고 싶어서 전화를 해봐도 진이 다 빠진 목소리로 전화받는걸 듣고 나면 할 말이 묘연해진다. 분명 엄마도 같은 기분이었을거다. 통화중이던 아빠가 이제 죽을 때 다 됐지 뭘. 이라고 말하는걸 듣고나니 웅성거리던 4인실에서 순간 시선집중을 받았다. 에휴 이 할배-_-... 오늘은 참 병실에 있기 부담스러운 날이었다. 내가 있는 병실이 일반 병실이나 응급실, 중환자실같은게 아닌 호스피스병동이다 보니까 다른 병실들과는 다른 현상을 많이 본다. 그러니까 호스피스병동은, 결국 치료를 포기한 사람들이 오는 곳이다. 그러다보니 문병오는 사람들도 어느정도 정신적인 무장을 하고 들어와야한다. 그게 예의다. 가혹하지만 어쩔 수 없다. 그런데 간혹 그런 정신무장을 아예 포기하고 들어오는 문병객들이 있다. 난처하다. 주로 젊은 여성층인데, 오늘도 한 타임 나타났다. 점심시간이 끝나갈 무렵 등장한 그녀는 한시간 정도를 침대를 들여다보며 대성통곡을 했다. 할아버지 할아버지 왜이렇게 여위셨어요하고 꺽꺽 울었다. 울 수 있지. 슬프다. 너도 나도 슬프다. 하지만 참아야해. 당신이 펑펑 시원하게 울어버리고 거길 떠나버리면 병실에 남겨진 사람들이 느끼는 공기는 정말 어마어마하게 칙칙해진다고. 정말 가슴아팠을거다. 듣는 나도 가슴이 미어질 것 같았으니까. 그래도 야속했다. 그래도 그 할아버지는 뭐 그럴만 했다. 손녀따님의 그런 오열도 이해가 간다. 그 할아버지는, 지지난주까지는 정정하게 걸어다셨던, 송충이 눈썹이 멋있게 새하얀, 행동에 기품이 있는 노신사였다. 그 할아버지는 생활을 항상 가족면회실에 혼자 가서 하시고 주무실때만 침대로 돌아오셨다. 지나다니면서 흘끔흘끔 들여다보면 혼자 책을 보시거나, 창밖을 보시거나 하고 계셨다. 저번 주에는 모습이 안보였었는데 어제 오늘 본 모습은, 팔다리가 구속구에 구속되고 마스크를 하고 있는 모습이었다. 저 구속구는 우리 아빠도 했었지. 자꾸 화를 내며 몸에 연결된 링겔을 뜯어내려고 해서, 벙어리장갑처럼 생긴 구속구를 손에 씌워놓았었다. 아무튼 그 정정한 할아버지가 말을 걸어도 눈을 뜨지 못하고, 욕창방지를 위해 자세를 바꿔줄때면 고통으로 신음하는 모습을 보니 확실히 여긴 호스피스가 맞고 아빠가 항상 저런걸 보고 있다는 생각을 하니 더욱 마음이 아팠다. 라고 키보드로 치면서 갸웃했다. 마음이 아팠다니. 마음이 아팠다. 로 끝날만한 그런 기분은 아닌데. 뭐 표현이 잘 안된다. 보는 사람도 없는데 대충 남겨놔야지. 후 예정 시간보다 1시간 빨리 온 간병인 여사님과 교대를 하고, 아빠와 간단한 작별인사를 하고, 다시 지방 숙소로 내려왔다. 그런데 내가 타고 내려올 예정이었던 ktx가 20분정도 출발이 늦어졌다. 뭐지 왜 이렇게 늦어지지 하고 다들 의아해하고 짜증도 내고 난리였는데 처음에는 출발이 늦어져 죄송합니다 양해부탁드립니다 어쩌구저쩌구 수습방송이 나오다가 18분가량 지났을 무렵 안내용 전광판에 "남영역 선로 사상자 발생으로 열차 출발이 늦어지고 있습니다" 라는 내용이 찍혔다. 차내 분위기가 아주 기묘해졌다. 열차 지연이 장비 트러블이 아니라 인명사고때문임을 알게 되는 순간 그동안에 퍼부었던 짜증이 고인에게 던지는 돌이었던 것 마냥 숙연해진 듯이.. 근데 그냥 나만 그렇게 느꼈던걸지도 모르고. 사실은 예전에도 이런 분위기를 느낀 적이 있다. 작년, 누군가 용산역 선로 위에서 자살하네 마네 시위를 벌였던 적이 있다. 날짜는 모르겠고 금요일 저녁이었다. 한강대교 위를 건너던 ktx가 다리 위에서 멈춰서 1시간동안 기다렸고 차량 내부는 짜증을 여과없이 드러내는 사람들로 인해 아주 불편한 분위기였다. 죽은 사람이 아니라, 누군가로 인해 우리들 모두의 시간을 빼앗겨야 하는 그 부당함이 당시 나도 정말 싫어서 욕지기를 뱉었던 기억이 난다. 그 사람이 죽었는지 살았는지는 잘 모르겠다. 근데 그 사람이 안 죽고 시위중이며 경찰과 대치중이라는 사실을 전달받았기 때문에 그렇게 승객들이 욕을 바가지로 해댄거지 죽었습니다. 로 엔딩이 났다면 아마 그렇게 열차 분위기가 지랄같진 않았을 것 같다는 생각이 지금와서 든다. 아무튼 1시간 넘게 기다렸던 열차는 예정보다 훨씬 늦게 서울역에 도착했었다. 얼마나 힘들면 자살소동을 벌일까. 미우면서도 마냥 밉게 생각하기는 어렵다. 죽음이란게 내겐 그냥, 요즘 무겁게 느껴지기 때문에 근데 뭐 이게 그렇게 내 주변 사람들한테 토로하면서 다같이 힘들자고 그러는것도 웃기고 -- Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 133 Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 146 Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 161 3
이 게시판에 등록된 YORDLE ONE님의 최근 게시물 |
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Warning: Use of undefined constant use_comment - assumed 'use_comment' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 540
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 542
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 543
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 545
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 576
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
Warning: Use of undefined constant grant_delete - assumed 'grant_delete' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 429
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_formmail - assumed 'use_formmail' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 599
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 599
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 600
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 600
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 609
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 609
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 614
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 616
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 618
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 618
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 612
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 612
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 620
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 640
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 644
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/cmt_replace.php on line 3
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 6
Warning: Use of undefined constant file_name - assumed 'file_name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 28
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 65
43348 class="iamcmt" style="display:none;"> Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 66
43348 class='vcm '>
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 70
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 71
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 76
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 117
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 118
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 119
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 120
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 121
43348'> Toby
Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 133
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 142
16/06/16 00:14
43348>삭제 주소복사
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 150
어떤 느낌인지 자세히 알 수는 없지만 이 글을 써주신 덕분에 그래도 약간의 이해를 더 할 수 있었던 것 같습니다.
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
43348>
43348>