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홍차넷
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티타임
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- 다양한 주제에 대해 자유롭게 글을 작성하는 게시판입니다.
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_formmail - assumed 'use_formmail' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 519
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_category - assumed 'use_category' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/include/print_category.php on line 9
전체기타일상/생각꿀팁/강좌방송/연예도서/문학영화의료/건강문화/예술경제생활체육과학/기술철학/종교정치요리/음식역사여행육아/가정IT/컴퓨터음악창작게임스포츠사회오프모임
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Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 2
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/memo_replace.php on line 3
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| Date |
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 53 20/12/15 00:11:00 Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 56 수정됨 |
| Name | 머랭 |
| Subject | 우울증과 나 |
|
우울증의 시작이 언제인지는 늘 명확하지만 끝은 그렇지 못하다. 따져보면 왜 우울했는지 내가 왜 그랬는지 변명은 할 수는 있지만 결과는 바꿀 수 없는 것과 같나. 그런 생각이 든다. 난 늘 뭔가 핑계를 대 왔지만 지금 내가 어떤지 누구보다 명확하게 알고 있다고. 코로나가 온 뒤로 엄마는 나에게 감히 힘들다는 이야기를 하지 말라고 했다. 나는 대꾸조차 하지 않았다. 요즘 나는 그렇다. 싫다고도 좋다고도 하지 않는다. 그게 안전하니까. 어딘가 안전한 구석 한 군데로 숨기는 숨는데 고양이 같은 기분이다. 꼬리가 나온다. 내가 보이기 싫은 것들을 감출 기운조차 없어. 그런 생각이 들 때는 어떻게 해야 하지, 뭐 그런 생각을 하다가 고개를 흔들었다. 거 참 우울증 환자 같구만. 맞지만. 인정하기 싫은 것이다. 오늘 뜻밖의 소식을 들었다. 내가 우울해서 찍은 사진을 앨범 커버로 쓰고 싶다고 했다. 난 왜요라고 묻는 대신 그래요 그거 써요 하고 말았다. 먼저 물어보다니 얼마나 훌륭한 사람인가. 요즘엔 내 기대가 이 정도다. 그렇지만 싫은 느낌은 아니었다. 왜요? 하고 생각했다. 전문 사진가도 아니고 그냥 아무렇게나 찍은 사진인데. 요즘 나는 직업이 여럿이다. 그 중 하나도 벌이가 시원치않다. 그러니 이것저것 한다. 그러면 어느정도 따라가지만 그래도 별로 평균까지 가려면 한참 멀었다. 나를 아는 사람들은 이런다. 다재다능하구나! 빌어먹을. 난 그런 말이 싫다. 진짜 빌어서 꾸역꾸역 입에 먹는 느낌이기 때문에. 포토그래퍼 누구 하고 쓰인 내 이름은 낯설었다. 동시에, 유튜브에서는 누가 내 영상을 도용했다는 댓글이 올라왔다. 제가 님에게 영어 자막을 달아드렸어요. 퍽 자랑스럽게 그런 댓글이 달렸다. 저작권 개념이 없을수도 있지, 메일을 달라고 했지만 그 사람은 대답하지 않았다. 나는 있는 힘껏 신고 버튼을 눌렀다. 그게 별 소용이 안 되는걸 알면서도. 뭐라도 되는 듯이 떠벌렸다. 그러면서 생각했다. 가난한 주머니보다는 부유한 주머니가 좀 낫지 않을까요. 훔쳐갈 것도 없어요. 그냥, 먹고 살게만 해 주세요. 애원을 해 볼까? 아직 그걸 못할 것 같으니 배는 부른 것 같다. 우울증이 시작할 때는, 난 한 이주 전부터 느낌이 온다. 우스운 말이지만 프로우울증러니까. 내가 분명 망할 거라는 건 온 몸으로 느끼는데 이거 어떻게 할 수 없을 거라는 게 올 때가 있다. 그럴 떄면 난 아주 조용히 정신과를 가고, 시간에 맞춰 약을 먹고, 그래도 소용이 없어서 상담 예약을 했다. 상담소 서가에는 내가 좋아하는 책이 몇, 안 읽은 책이 한 권 있었고 그 책이 마음에 들었다. 잠시 기다리는 십 분동안 책을 읽으려고 세번쯤 일찍 갔나. 저자는 필사적으로 자살을 말리고 있었다. 그러면서도, 말리는 티를 내지 않으려고 노력하려는 중이었디. 그 사람이 죽고 싶었던 때는 언제였을까. 그리고 살고싶었을 때 무슨 생각을 했길래 이런 책을 썼을까, 그런 생각이 들었다. 그 사람의 책, 마지막 장은 내게는 소리치는 느낌이었다. 솔직히, 옛 소련의 연설 같기도 했다. 반면 상담 선생님을 어떘을까. 그림을 그린다면 눈에 광원을 넣고 싶다. 투명하고 동그란 두 눈동자에 한참 힘이 있는 사람이다. 그래서요, 하고 묻는 소리가 강해 보이는 게 때로 이상해 보이고는 한다. 그런 생각을 자주 한다. 한 주에 뭘 했어요, 그 말이 좋아서 노력할 때도 있다고. 모두들 내가 알아서 잘 한다고 생각한다. 나도 그래야 하는 게 당연하다고 생각한다. 그렇지 않은 것은, 적어도 말뿐이라도 그런 것은 그 사람 뿐이라 낯설기도 하다. 그 말은 차마 하지 못했다. 삼켰다. 그리고 적당한 농담으로 시작해 본다. 이번 주도 망한 것 같아요. 그런데 이런 이야기는 항상 많이 들으시죠? 웃음은 가볍고, 날 감춰준다. 그런 기분이다. 올 해 나는 책도 써 봤고 앨범 커버도 찍고 유튜버도 돼 봤고 이거저거 다 해봤고 여전히 가난뱅이다. 몇 년 내에 이건 해결될 기미가 안 보인다. 난 가난뱅이인가봐, 누구한테 말하면 좀 멋진 것 같은데 그래봐야 뜻은 그대로다. 2020년에 직업을 한 네 개쯤 더 만든 것 같고 곧 하나를 실행할 예정이다. 우울증은 올해쯤 왔으니 적어도 두 해는 조용하겠지. 이 모든 과정을 지켜본 남자친구가 말했다. 난 아직도 자기랑 결혼하고 아이를 갖고 싶어. 내가 이렇게 대답했다. 나 너무 무서워. 난 엄마가 되기 싫어. 그리고 다 싫어. 게다가 난 가난뱅이야. 더 싫어. 그러자 이렇게 대답했다. 그게 뭐가 상관이야? 난 상관있어. 왜? 묻지 마. 상관 있어. 그래, 그래. 그래그래 라고 하지 마. 알았어. 알았어라고도 하지 말라고 하려다 입을 딱 다물었다. 이번 우울증은 지나간다. 언제 또 올까. 그건 모르겠지만 내년에는 직업이 한 다섯개 정도 더 생길 것 같은 느낌이다. 여전히 가난뱅이겠지만. Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 133 Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 146 Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 161 11 |
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Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 600
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 609
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 609
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 614
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 616
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 618
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 618
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 612
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 612
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 620
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 640
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 644
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/cmt_replace.php on line 3
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 6
Warning: Use of undefined constant file_name - assumed 'file_name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 28
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 65
151262 class="iamcmt" style="display:none;"> Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 66
151262 class='vcm '>
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 70
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 71
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 76
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 117
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 118
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 119
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 120
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 121
151262'> 소원의항구
Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 133
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 142
20/12/15 05:20
151262>삭제 주소복사
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 150
힘내십쇼
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
151262>
151262>