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홍차넷
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추천
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- 회원들이 추천해주신 좋은 글들을 따로 모아놓는 공간입니다.
- 추천글은 매주 자문단의 투표로 선정됩니다.
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전체기타일상/생각꿀팁/강좌게임문학영화의료/건강문화/예술경제체육/스포츠과학철학/종교정치/사회요리/음식역사여행IT/컴퓨터음악창작사진
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| Date |
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| Name | 매일이수수께끼상자 |
| Subject | 겨자와 아빠 |
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남들은 겨자를 먹으면 코가 얼얼해진다는데 난 뒤통수가 저리기 시작한다. 나도 모르게 손이 뒤통수로 가서 어루만질 정도의 저림이면 허리도 절로 굽는다. 입에서는 아이고 하는 작은 곡소리도 나온다. 그리고 거짓말 같이 멀쩡해지면 난 바보 같이 다시 겨자를 집는다. 고통의 반복인지 맛의 추구인지, 어리석음의 향연인지 쾌락의 누림인지, 정할 수가 없다. 아빠의 뒷모습에서는 늘 겨자 향이 풍긴다. 8년 만에 귀국한 아들을 제일 먼저 할머니 산소로 데려가던 아빠가, 길어진 무덤가 풀을 막대기로 휘휘 쓸어내던 모습에서 나는 뒤통수가 저리는 걸 느꼈다. 아빠는 인사를 하라거나 풀이 길어졌다고 혼잣말을 하지도 않았다. 그냥 그렇게 아들의 반대편으로 몸을 돌리고 고개를 숙인 채 하릴없이 풀숲만 저어댔다. 부산 여름의 더위 말고는 끈적임이나 질척거림은 전혀 없는 묘한 광경이었다. 언제부턴가 아빠를 만나려면 집을 나서야 했다. 안방에 없는 아빠를 시장 골목의 싸구려 한식 뷔페 식당, 큰 길가의 선지해장국집, 가끔 값이 괜찮은 고기집에서 만났다. 딱히 엄마한테 비밀로 한 건 아니지만 그렇다고 아빠 만나러 간다고 광고할 것도 없었다. 아들이 여느 부모님 안방 드나들듯 슬쩍 대문을 나갔다 비슷하게 슬쩍 들어왔다. 엄마는 눈치로 알고 있었다. 괜히 미안했다. 방이동 식당 곳곳에서 아빠와 헤어질 때, 괜히 엄마가 내 시선을 피할 때 난 겨자향을 맡을 수 있었다. 엄마가 결국 혼자서 돌아가시고, 생전 처음 상주 옷을 입었다. 아빠에게 알릴까 말까 고민을 했다. 아빠의 첫 반응이 그래서,였을 때 난 내 결정을 후회했다. 나 역시 차갑게 끊어버렸다. 그리고는 알았다. 뒤통수를 겨누는 겨자의 정체가 금방 달아올랐다가 거짓말처럼 식어버리는 아빠에 대한 증오와 사랑이었다는 걸. 전화를 끊고, 난 아빠가 너무 보고 싶었고 동시에 너무나 미웠다. 난 고아이기도 했고, 아니기도 했다. 결국 장례식 첫날 느지막이 아빠가 도착했다. 할머니 무덤가에서 고개를 돌린 채 풀만 휘휘 저은 것처럼 식장 입구에서 서성이고 있는 걸 외삼촌이 발견했다. 외삼촌은 자기 누나를 버린 사람을 매형이라고 불렀는데, 나는 ‘그래서?’라는 말이 맴돌아 아빠를 멀리서 노려보기만 했다. 그 시선을 받은 아빠는 별 말이 없었다. 인사를 하는 것도, 어딜 노려보냐고 야단을 치는 것도 아니었다. 삼촌 손에 끌려 들어온 아빠는 영정사진 쪽을 한 번 휙 돌아본 것 외에는 곧장 휴게실로 가 술만 마셨다. 겨자향이 타고 올라왔는데 좀처럼 가시지를 않았다. 엄마로 시작한 눈물은 아빠로 멎었다. 상주는 나였다. 그리고 한참을 잊고 살았다. 첫 아이 돌잔치 때 잠깐 전화를 하려 했지만 ‘그래서?’라고 할 거 같아서 그만 두었다. 아내가 하려는 것도 막았다. 그놈의 ‘그래서’가 두려워서라기보다 그때 그 ‘그래서’에 대한 앙갚음에 가까웠다. 당신에게 손녀의 첫 돌이란 걸 경험하게 해주고 싶지 않았다. 다시 집어 들기에 그 겨자는 너무나 독했고 난 그 고통을 반복하고 싶지 않았다. 어리석음의 향연에서 벗어나고 싶은 고아는, 그렇게 정했다. 그럼에도 매운 맛은 어디선가 자꾸만 솟아났다. 보다 못한 아내가 이렇게 저렇게 아빠와 연락을 주고받기 시작했다는 걸 난 한참 후에 알았다. 출근한 사이에 아빠는 집에 와서 손주들과 산책도 나가곤 했다. 며느리 준다고 두꺼운 전기장판을 짊어지고 버스와 전철을 몇 번씩이나 갈아타고 오면, 아내는 내가 볼까봐 그걸 또 끙끙 들고 장롱 뒤에 숨겨두었다. 아이들 줄 과자가 쌓여가고 아이들 먹을 고기와 각종 마른반찬이 냉동고를 채워 가는데 난 전혀 몰랐다, 큰 아이가 할아버지라는 말을 하기 시작하고, 겨울이 깊어져 전기장판을 꺼내야 할 때까지. 곳곳에 있던 아빠의 자취에 난 말을 잃었다. 뒤통수가 또 쓰라렸다. 그리고 얼마 전 처남의 결혼식, 사돈집 경사라고 아빠가 시내 중앙의 식장까지 혼자 왔다. 최근 교통사고가 나서 목발을 집고 절뚝거리는 걸음이었다. 아내는 새언니 식구들과 인사하랴 뛰어다니는 애기들 붙잡혀놓고 밥 먹이랴 정신이 없었다. 아빠와 나는 그 옛날 방이동 시장골목에서처럼 덩그러니 둘만 남겨졌다. 식장 시끌벅적한 것도 그때와 비슷했다. 뷔페식으로 밥을 먹는 것도, 마주 앉아 접시를 쳐다보던 것도 변하지 않았다. 다만 요 몇 년 아내와 아이들이 중간 역할 하던 것에 둘 다 익숙해져 있었는지, 별로 할 말이 없었다. 아빠가 일어섰다. 간다고 했다. 다리도 아픈데 택시를 타라고 권했다. 택시비 드린다는 말도 덧붙였다. 아빠는 손을 내저었다. 20년 만에 시내를 나와 봤는데 너무 변해 깜짝 놀랐다며 구경 좀 한다고 했다. 그럼 가까운 역까지 모셔다 드린다고 했더니 중요한 가족행사에서 자리 비우지 말라 하신다. 그러면서 얼른 들어가라고 절뚝 절뚝 속도를 높였다. 지하 1층 피로연장에서 1층 건물 입구까지 우린 아무 말도 없이 걸었다. 빨리 내 자리로 돌아가라는 듯 아빠는 한 걸음 앞에서 바삐 걸었고, 난 겨자향 가득한 아빠의 뒷모습을 쳐다볼 수밖에 없게 되었다. 뒤통수가 저리지만, 어리석게도, 난 건물을 나서고 신호등을 건너 복잡한 인파 속으로 사라지는 - 아니, 계속 사라지지 않는 - 아빠의 뒷모습을 계속해서 쳐다보았다. 소나기가 예고된 여름의 더위 말고는 끈적함이나 질척거림이 전혀 없는 묘한 광경이었다. 부모와 자식이 사랑한다는 것, 또 미워한다는 것, 그 알싸함이 고통인지 행복인지, 나는 정할 수가 없었다. * 수박이두통에게보린님에 의해서 티타임 게시판으로부터 게시물 복사되었습니다 (2016-06-27 12:27) * 관리사유 : 추천 게시판으로 복사합니다. Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 133 Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 146 Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 161 14
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Warning: Use of undefined constant use_comment - assumed 'use_comment' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 540
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 542
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 543
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 545
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 576
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
Warning: Use of undefined constant grant_delete - assumed 'grant_delete' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 425
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 429
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_formmail - assumed 'use_formmail' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 599
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 599
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 600
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 600
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 609
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 609
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 614
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 616
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 618
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 618
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 612
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 612
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 620
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 640
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 644
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/cmt_replace.php on line 3
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 6
Warning: Use of undefined constant file_name - assumed 'file_name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 28
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 65
4855 class="iamcmt" style="display:none;"> Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 66
4855 class='vcm '>
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 70
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 71
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 76
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 117
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 118
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 119
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 120
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 121
4855'> 레이드
Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 133
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 142
16/06/14 18:14
4855>삭제 주소복사
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 150
쉬이 이야기를 할 수 없었던 부자간의 이야기를, 담담하게 뜨끈하게 이야기해주셔셔 정말 감사합니다. 잘 읽었습니다.
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
4855>
4855>
