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홍차넷
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티타임
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- 다양한 주제에 대해 자유롭게 글을 작성하는 게시판입니다.
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전체기타일상/생각꿀팁/강좌방송/연예도서/문학영화의료/건강문화/예술경제생활체육과학/기술철학/종교정치요리/음식역사여행육아/가정IT/컴퓨터음악창작게임스포츠사회오프모임
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| Date |
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| Name | 化神 |
| Subject | 부질 있음 |
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몇 달 동안 해결되지 않는 프로젝트가 있다. 내가 문제인지 상사가 문제인지, 회사가 문제인지 클라이언트가 문제인지. 장장 반 년을 끌고 있으니 누구나 예민하고 불만인 상황이었다. 그런데 내가 담당이다. 스트레스 때문일까 부쩍 흰머리가 많아졌다. 한참을 헤메다 겨우 쉬는 시간이 생겨 책상에 앉았다. 잠겨 있는 컴퓨터의 비밀번호를 입력하고 회사망에 접속했다. 수신된 메일을 확인하려고 하는데 게시판 메인에 올라온 포스팅에 눈길이 갔다. 어디서 많이 본 사람인데... 싶었다. 누굴까... 한참을 들여다보자 알겠더라. 아는 사람. 각도 탓인지 다른 사람처럼 느껴지기도 했지만 보다보니 알겠더라. 아는 사람. 한 때 같이 시간을 보냈던 사람. 이제는 서로 연락하지 않는 사람. 둘 사이에는 아무 일 없었지만 지금 연락하기에 는 어색한 사람. 아 부질 없구나. 머릿 속에 떠오른 한 마디. 스치고 지나간 뒤 마치 라라랜드 마지막에 주인공이 상상하는 장면처럼 내 기억속 어딘가에 저장된 지난 시간들이 자연스레 재생됐다. 동아리 운영진 할 사람이 없다고 그랬다. 선배들은 날 붙잡고 너가 했으면 좋겠다고 했다. 사실 내가 필요한 건 아니고 누군가가 필요했을것 같다. 처음부터 난 동아리에 적극적으로 참여하는 후배는 아니었을텐데 나한테까지 순서가 돌아오다니 아마도 다들 안 한다고 완강히 버텼겠지. 이미 잘게 다지고 있던 학점을 더 다질순 없어서 휴학을 했다. 집에서 돈 끌어다 쓰기 싫어서 아르바이트를 했다. 그동안은 부모님을 실망시키기 싫어서, 주변 사람들에게 인정받고 싶어서 살았다. 소소한 일탈은 있었지만 통제 가능한 범위였다. 가령 학원을 안 간다거나, 피씨방에서 밤을 샌다거나. 그러니까 휴학을 하고 군대를 미루겠다는 정도의 큰 일은 처음이었던 것이다. 부모님은 불만이었지만 하겠다고 했다. 내 인생 내가 알아서 하겠다고 큰 소리쳤다. 결국 군대는 미뤘고 근 11개월을 고생했다. 그런데 운영진 맡을 때도 잰다고 욕 먹었는데 갈 때도 임기 안 마치고 군대로 도피한다고 욕 먹었다. 세어보니 대략 8년 정도 동아리에 신경을 쓴 것 같다. 사람들을 만나고, 연습하고 술 마시고 공연하고. 그게 좋아서 계속 남아 있었다. 그랬는데 어떤 계기로 사람들과 연락이 끊어졌다. 나도 그 사람들에게 연락하지 않고 그 사람들도 나에게 연락하지 않는다. 누가 먼저라고 할 것도 없지만 안 하다보니 안 하게 되는거지. 내가 잘못한건가? 한참을 고민했는데 그건 아니다. 그런데 억울하다. 나는 내가 그들로부터 튕겨져 나왔다고 생각한다. 이렇게 얘기하면 그들은 나를 피해의식에 사로잡혀서 자신들을 가해자로 몰아간다고 생각하려나? 잘 모르겠다 하지만 아마 앞으로도 안 하게 될 것 같다. 인간 관계 부질없다는 생각을 했다. 과거 회상을 마치고 나자 '부질 없다.' 한 마디가 계속 맴돌았다. 대뜸 카카오톡을 켜서 등록된 친구 목록을 살펴보았다. 아무렇지 않게 톡 하나 날릴 친구가 몇 이나 될까... 세보았다. 10명은 되는구나. 300명이 넘는 사람들 중에 상대방의 반응을 생각하지 않고서 내가 먼저 선톡을 날릴 수 있는 사람이 겨우 10명이었다. 내년에 결혼을 앞두고 있는 친구와 한 이야기가 생각났다. 자기는 결혼식에 자기 손님만 75명은 올 것 같다고. 부모님의 손님을 생각하면 그보다 많을것 같다고 그랬다. 나는 몇 명이나 될까. 음 20명? 30명? 쉽게 세어지지가 않았다. 동아리 인맥 부질 없다. 싶었다. 부질 없다. 부질 없다. 부질 없다. 계속 되뇌다 문득 2009년 12월의 나를 만나서 부질 없다고 이야기를 하고 싶었다. 너 그거 해봤자 나중에 남는거 하나 없어. 그런데 왠지 그 때의 나는 그렇게 대답할 것 같았다. 나중 일은 신경 안 써. 지금 나는 이걸 하고 싶어. 한참 생각해봤는데 내가 과거의 다른 것들은 후회하더라도 이 선택은 후회하지 않을것 같았다. 생각에 생각을 거듭하다보니 기억나는 것이 있었다. 동아리 운영진을 수락하기 전에 학과 동문회를 간 적이 있었다. 운영진을 맡을지 말지 고민을 한참 하던 때였다. 아마 나이가 40은 확실히 넘었을 것이고 어떤 기업에서 부장 정도 직함을 달고 있는 선배에게 물었다. 제가 이런 상황이라 고민이 됩니다. 그러자 그 선배가 별로 고민하지 않고 대답했다. "부질 없어." 그깟 동아리 1년보다 그 시간에 군대를 마치고 가능하다면 대학원을 가는게 앞으로 인생에 더 도움이 된다는 이야기를 이었다. 그렇지만 난 그 말을 무시하고 동아리를 선택했다. 아마 그 때의 나는 미래를 보여준다고 하더라도 그 선택을 했을것 같다. 그러고나니 부질 없다고 말할 수 없었다. "부질 있다." 나 혼자 짧게 한 마디하고 일어섰다. 10년 뒤 난 오늘을 돌이켜보며 부질 없다고 생각할까? 확신할 순 없지만 날 괴롭히는 프로젝트는 부질 있으면 좋겠다. Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 133 Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 146 Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 161 15
이 게시판에 등록된 化神님의 최근 게시물
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Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
Warning: Use of undefined constant grant_delete - assumed 'grant_delete' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 429
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_formmail - assumed 'use_formmail' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 599
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 599
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 600
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 600
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 609
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 609
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 614
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 616
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 618
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 618
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 612
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 612
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 620
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 640
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 644
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/cmt_replace.php on line 3
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 6
Warning: Use of undefined constant file_name - assumed 'file_name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 28
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 65
126323 class="iamcmt" style="display:none;"> Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 66
126323 class='vcm '>
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 70
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 71
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 76
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 117
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 118
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 119
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 120
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 121
126323'> 다람쥐
Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 133
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 142
19/07/04 07:25
126323>삭제 주소복사
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 150
화신님의 모든 시간이 의미가 있습니다
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
126323>
126323>
