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홍차넷
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Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/zero_header.php on line 269
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/zero_header.php on line 300
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티타임
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 21
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- 다양한 주제에 대해 자유롭게 글을 작성하는 게시판입니다.
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_formmail - assumed 'use_formmail' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 519
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_category - assumed 'use_category' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/include/print_category.php on line 9
전체기타일상/생각꿀팁/강좌방송/연예도서/문학영화의료/건강문화/예술경제생활체육과학/기술철학/종교정치요리/음식역사여행육아/가정IT/컴퓨터음악창작게임스포츠사회오프모임
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Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 2
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/memo_replace.php on line 3
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| Date |
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 53 17/08/08 13:52:52 Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 56 |
| Name | 제피 |
| Subject | 데자와가 쏘아올린 작은 글 |
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안녕하세요. 홍차넷 회원님들. 30대 아재눈팅러 제피입니다. 저번 금요일에 편의점에서 500ml 데자와 1+1 행사를 하길래 2개 득템했습니다. 하나는 오전에 다 마셔버리고 하나는 냉장고에 넣어놨더랬죠. 오늘까지 까먹고 있다가 평소처럼 루팡짓 하다 말고 급생각 났습니다. 그래서 꼴딱꼴딱 마시다 문득 생각 했습니다. 밀크티는 홍차와 우유를 섞어 만드는 것이지, 하고요. 그리고 홍차넷이 생각났습니다. 추게와 티타임에서 수많은 글들을 끄덕거리고, 감탄하며, 추천하고 덧글만 달다가 문득 글 하나 써야 겠다는 생각이 들었습니다. 부채의식일까요? 크크. 다들 외로우신가요? 아니면 외로울 때 있으시죠? 저는 제 기억에 꽤 자주 외로웠습니다. 외동아들로 부모님께서 분에 넘칠 정도로 큰 사랑을 주셨는 데도, 종종 외로웠어요. 외로움에 관한 깨달음은 때 늦은 사춘기와 함께 찾아왔습니다. 물론 이전에도 외로움에 관한 몇몇 단상을 어렴풋 느끼곤 했습니다. 일종의 무기력함이나 쓸쓸함 같은 기분이었는데 당시에는 그게 무슨 감정인지 잘 몰라서, 그냥 게임을 하거나 만화를 보며 유야무야 넘겼습니다. 여담이긴 하지만 저희 아버지는 재미 없으신 분이라 저를 평생 한 번도 극장에 데려가지 않았고, 저는 재수할 때가 되서야 극장에 처음 가봤네요. 어쨌거나, 위와 같은 이유로 어릴때 영화는 TV나 비디오를 통해서만 봤는데요. 야심한 밤에 이불을 뒤집어쓰고 봤던 토요 명화의 어떤 인생들, 그들의 치열한 인생을 제 가슴팍에 힘껏 부비고 나서 이부자리에 누우면 한 없이 작아지는 저를 발견 하곤 했습니다. 불 꺼진 방에 누워서, 사라졌을지도 모르는 천장을 쳐다보며 차근차근 따져봅니다. 난 무엇이고, 어떻게 살아야 하는걸까. 왜 태어난 거야? 죽으면 어떻게 되는 거지. 아무 것도 남지 않는 건가. 역시, 죽으면 아무도 나를 기억하지 못할까 등의 생각들이 의지와 무관하게 떠오르면 헛바람을 잔뜩 들이킨 채 겁에 질리곤 했습니다. 그 기묘한 감정를 이기지 못한 중학생 아들은 "엄마'를 외치며 안방으로 다다닥! 저보다 더 크고 무거운 삶을 견디고 간신히 단잠에 빠진 부모님 사이에 뛰어들던 기억이 나곤 합니다. 되새겨 보면 그 모호한 형체의 밤손님은 외로움이었습니다. 그리고 밤에 몇 번인가 울곤 했습니다. 베개 한 쪽이 축축해져 결국 베개를 뒤집어 잠들었던 날도 있었죠. 아무에게도 말할 수 없던, 온전히 스스로 견뎌내야 했던 쓸쓸한 생(生)의 통점이 베개 밑에 숨어 있었던 걸까요? 기억도 나지 않던 때에 읽었던 '호밀밭의 파수꾼'은 흔히 말하는 어른들 세계의 구부정함을 제게 가르쳐주지 않았습니다. 고독이나 외로움의 본질을 알려주지도 않았구요. 차라리 '남자는 담배를 필 때, 꼭 코트를 입고 주머니에 손을 넣고 우수에 찬 눈빛을 해야만 하는구나. 진짜 멋지다'에 가까웠습니다. 사춘기의 절정이었으려나요? 나이를 먹어가며 깨달은 건, 이 세상에서 나만 외로운 게 아니었구나, 하는 동질감이었습니다. 나 말고도 많은 사람들이 나처럼 모두 뜻 모를 외로움을 겪는구나, 싶었던 거죠. 저는 이걸 정말 늦게 깨달았고, 정말이지 말도 못할 안도감을 느꼈습니다. 난 세상에 적응 못하던 구부정쟁이가 아닐 지도 모른다는 그 안도감이자 동질감. 이상하게도 기뻤습니다. 사춘기를 겪으며 느꼈던 그 감정들은 오래된 일기처럼 유치하고 이불을 차고 싶게 만들죠. 하지만 그 당시의 그 마음을 그 누구의 어떤 감정에 가져다 붙이면 상쇄시킬 수 있었을까요? 음...아뇨 결단코, 그럴 수는 없었을 겁니다. 온전한 제 것. 바꿀 수도 대체할 수도 없는 소중한 기억들입니다. 지금 내 침울한 마음을 알아주는 사람은 이 세상에 없어! 내 외로움을 이해해 줄 수 있는 사람도 없어! 그러니까 다 싫어! 싶다가도 며칠이 지나면 또 괜찮아 지곤 하는 일상의 반복들. 끝모를 고독의 상념에 잠겨 새벽 늦게까지 잠을 설치던 기억들도 포함해서요. 외로움이라는 밤손님은 군대에서도 종종 찾아왔습니다. 그 공간에서야 누구나 그렇듯 막연한 미래에 대한 두려움도 있었고, 지나간 과거에 대한 풋풋함과 어리석음도 있었습니다. 왠지 끅끅 거리며 울고 싶어도, 꾹 눌러 참곤 했습니다. 그러다가도 저녁을 먹고 생활관 동기들과 담배 한 대를 피워 물고 시덥잖은 농을 나누면 묘하게 괜찮아지기도 하는 그 기분. 이건 느껴본 분이라면 같이 나누고 싶을 정도로 묘한 감정입니다만 쉽게 나눌 수가 없다는 게 함정입니다. 이 반갑지 않은 밤손님들은 서른을 훌쩍 넘은 지금도 수시로 저를 덮칩니다. 뭐 저는 아직도 이 친구와 정이 들진 못했습니다. 다만 도란도란 얘기도 나눌 수 있을 정도로 여유는 생겼습니다. 역시 사람이 나이를 먹어야 하는구나 싶습니다. 크크. [외로움을 온 몸으로 받아들이는 시간은 너무 아프고 괴롭지만 동시에 아름다운 시간임이 분명하다. 외로움이 찾아올 때, 사실은 그 순간이 인생에 있어 사랑이 찾아올 때 보다 귀한 시간이다. 쓴 외로움을 받아들이는 방식에 따라 한 인간의 삶의 깊이, 삶의 우아한 형상들이 결정되기 때문이다] - 곽재구, 포구기행 中 여전히 하루 하루 버티고, 모면하며 비루한 삶을 살고 있는 제게 삶의 우아한 형상까지는 모르겠으나, 외로움이라는 손님의 모습이 더이상 두렵고 무섭지는 않습니다. 그리고 버는 것과 쓰는 것만이 가득한 이 극단의 시대에도 인간이 왜 이렇게 기적처럼 서로를 사랑하게 되는지도 어렴풋이 알게 됩니다. 마지막으로 꿋꿋하게 외로움을 벗 삼고 사는 사람들이 더 뜨껍고 후회 없이 사랑을 한다는 것도, 더욱 잘 알고 있습니다. 다들 사랑하고 계신가요? 여러분들은 문득 문득 삶을 덮쳐오는 외로움을 어떻게 느끼고 받아들이시는 지 궁금합니다. 사무실에서 데자와 덕분에 삘 받아서 예전에 썼던 글들을 보며 이불킥 하다가 재탕까지 하면서 쓰려니 어떻게 끝내야 할지 모르겠네요. 남은 데자와부터 마무리 하러 갑니다. 오늘 밤에는 다시 이 글을 읽으며 이불 좀 차겠군요. 음... 좋은 하루 되세요. Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 133 Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 146 Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 161 10
이 게시판에 등록된 제피님의 최근 게시물 |
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Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 640
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 644
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/cmt_replace.php on line 3
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 6
Warning: Use of undefined constant file_name - assumed 'file_name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 28
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 65
87193 class="iamcmt" style="display:none;"> Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 66
87193 class='vcm '>
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 70
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 71
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 76
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 117
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 118
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 119
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 120
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 121
87193'> Liebe
Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 133
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 142
17/08/08 14:07
87193>삭제 주소복사
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 150
한 때 섬에서 사는 사람처럼 산 적이 있는데요.... 그런 느낌을 아시는 분도 있으실 것 같아요.
외로움을 느낄때 좀 더 사람들을 만났었더라면 하는 생각이 얼핏 지금은 가끔 들어요. 진솔한 글... 수필이나 소설보다 더 잘 쓰시네요. 작가분 아니시지요? ^^
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
외로움을 느낄때 좀 더 사람들을 만났었더라면 하는 생각이 얼핏 지금은 가끔 들어요. 진솔한 글... 수필이나 소설보다 더 잘 쓰시네요. 작가분 아니시지요? ^^
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
87193>
87193>
