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홍차넷
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티타임
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 21
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- 다양한 주제에 대해 자유롭게 글을 작성하는 게시판입니다.
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_formmail - assumed 'use_formmail' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 519
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전체기타일상/생각꿀팁/강좌방송/연예도서/문학영화의료/건강문화/예술경제생활체육과학/기술철학/종교정치요리/음식역사여행육아/가정IT/컴퓨터음악창작게임스포츠사회오프모임
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| Date |
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 53 15/09/06 18:33:31 Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 56 |
| Name | 레이드 |
| Subject | 언제쯤, 누군가에게도 |
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0. 부끄럽지 않은 인간이 되고 싶었다. 그리고 어느 순간 그 비슷한 인간이 된 건 아닐까 조심스레 믿음을 가지기도 했다. 내가 희망한 그런 인간, 그런 어른 적어도 괴물은 아니라고 자부했다. 1. 나는 어렸을 때부터, 받는 것보다는 내 걸 나누어 주는데 익숙했다. 내가 더 먹기보다는 남이 더 먹는 것을 바라보는 것이 더 많았다. 내가 남들에 비해서 특출나게 착하거나 혹은 더 배려심이 있어서가 아니라, 순전히 남들보다 더 약했고 남들보다 더 느렸기 때문이었다. 그냥 자기 위안일 뿐이었지. 그러다 어느 순간 스스로를 바꾸기로 마음 먹었다. 더 가지려는 마음, 앞서려는 마음을 조금씩 버리기로 마음 먹었다. 아마 스무살 즈음이었을테니 내 나름의 성년맞이였던 셈이다. 그렇게 마음 먹으니 조금은 내 자신에게서 자유로울 수 있었고 남들을 바라보는 데에도 폭 넒게 볼 수 있었다. 나는 그렇게 어른이 되가고 있는 것처럼 느껴졌고, 내가 바라는 나의 모습에도 다가가고 있는 듯 했다. 2. 하지만 그렇게 사는 것이, 정답이 아닐때가 있었다. 남들에게 주고, 내 이야기를 하지 않고, 내 마음을 드러내지 않다보니 나를 대하는 사람들의 모습이 다들 비슷했다. 어느 날, 아는 동생이 이런 말을 해줬다. 오빠. 오빠는 너무 소극적이에요. 왜 이렇게 자기 방어적인거죠? 오빠랑 만나면 무슨 말을 해야할지 모르겠어요. 그 말을 듣는 순간 어떻게 해야할지 혼란스러웠다. 다시 처음으로 돌아간 기분이었다. 사람들은, 나에게 어떤 모습을 바라는 것일까? 나는 어떻게 사람들을 대해야 하는걸까? 막막했다. 정말. 혼자 있고 싶었다. 아무도 없고 혼자만 있다면 얼마나 좋을까 하는 생각도 해봤다. 3. 어찌되었든 그런 말을 직접적으로 들은 것은 너무나 충격적인 일이었으므로, 나는 내 태도를 조금 더 바꾸기로 했다. 조금 더 드러내고 조금 더 내 욕심을 말하고 조금 더 나를 사람들의 중심으로 드러내기로 했다. 그런 내 모습을 보고 사람들은 밝아졌다며, 조금 더 친밀하게, 조금 더 자연스럽게 내게 다가왔다. 나는 이것으로 되었다고 생각했다. 만족했고, 쭈욱 사람들과 이런 관계가 계속되기를 바랐다. 4. 하지만 그런 나의 바람에도 불구하고 또 다른 문제가 나를 기다리고 있었다. 너무 다가가지 않아서 문제였다면, 이제는 너무 다가가서 문제였던 걸까. 나는 관심으로, 그 사람들을 생각해서 하는 말들이었는데 그런 내 마음과는 다르게 너무나 이상하게, 서툴게 표현되고 받아들여졌다. 나 역시 그런 내 모습이 익숙하지 않아서인지 과격하게 말할 때도 있었고 때로는 내가 하지 않은 말들과 행동들로 다른 사람들에게 오해를 사기도 했다. 나는 부끄럽지 않은 인간이 되기를 바랐는데, 적어도 괴물이 되지 않기를 바랐는데 하지만 나는 누군가에게 또 다른 괴물이 되어 있었다. 5. 솔직히 나는 지금 내가 어떻게 살아야할지 잘 모르겠다. 욕심을 가지지 말자라고 해놓고도 또 다른 욕심이 생겨버리는 나에게 실망해야하는 건지 헤어짐을 겪고도 다른 이들과 또 다른 만남을 이어나가고 싶어하는 나를 경멸해야하는 건지 아니면 꿋꿋이 살아가는 내게 쓰러지지 않고 잘 가고 있다고 격려해야하는 건지 솔직히 잘 모르겠다. 앞으로도 알 수 있을지 모르겠다. 지금보다 10년, 20년, 30년 나이를 더 먹는다고 해도 하나 아는 것이 있다면 어렸을 때 내가 생각했던 것처럼, 누구에게도 환영받고 누구에게나 기쁨을 주는 사람이라는 것은 없다는 것이다. 부끄럽지 않은 사람은 없다는 것이다. 언제쯤, 나는 부끄럽지 않은 사람이 될 수 있을까? 자라나는 욕심과 질투를 아무렇지 않게 말할 수 있는 사람이 될 수 있을까? 아니면 이러한 고민을 했다는 것조차 잊어버리는 사람이 될까? 웹툰 Ho!를 보고 느낀 것을 써 보았습니다. Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 133 Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 146 Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 161 0 이 게시판에 등록된 레이드님의 최근 게시물 |
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Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 6
Warning: Use of undefined constant file_name - assumed 'file_name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 28
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 65
13727 class="iamcmt" style="display:none;"> Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 66
13727 class='vcm '>
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 70
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 71
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 76
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 117
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 118
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 119
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 120
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 121
13727'> 난커피가더좋아
Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 133
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 142
15/09/06 20:00
13727>삭제 주소복사
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 150
고민하며 사는 삶은 언제나 아름답습니다. 생각하는 대로 살지 않으면 사는대로 생각하게 되니까요. 멋집니다.
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
13727>
13727>
