Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 278
홍차넷
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Warning: Use of undefined constant r - assumed 'r' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 47
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Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 237
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 34
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Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/zero_header.php on line 269
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/zero_header.php on line 300
Warning: Use of undefined constant title - assumed 'title' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 16
티타임
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 21
Warning: Use of undefined constant header - assumed 'header' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 31
- 다양한 주제에 대해 자유롭게 글을 작성하는 게시판입니다.
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_formmail - assumed 'use_formmail' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 519
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_category - assumed 'use_category' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/include/print_category.php on line 9
전체기타일상/생각꿀팁/강좌방송/연예도서/문학영화의료/건강문화/예술경제생활체육과학/기술철학/종교정치요리/음식역사여행육아/가정IT/컴퓨터음악창작게임스포츠사회오프모임
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| Date |
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 53 18/12/29 21:35:00 Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 56 |
| Name | April_fool |
| Subject | 저의 정신과 병력에 대한 고백 |
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또 티타임에 글을 올리신 어느 분의 글을 보니, 생각이 엉뚱한 곳으로 흐르다가 문득 저의 정신과 병력에 대한 고백을 하고 싶다는 충동이 들더군요. 그래서, 손 가는대로 한번 써 봅니다. 무엇부터 이야기해야 할까요… 일단, 성장 과정에서 정신적인 문제와 연관이 될 수 있었던 것들부터 이야기해 보죠. 흔한 이야기에요. 가정폭력, 왕따 정도? 여러 가지 에피소드가 있는데, 당장 생각나는 것만 이야기해 보죠. 예를 들면 이런 거에요. 5살, 혹은 6살 때라고 생각합니다. 저녁에, 제가 오른쪽과 왼쪽의 구분을 하지 못한다는 이유로 아버지에게 두들겨맞고 발가벗겨진 후 약 1시간 정도 집 밖으로 내쫓긴 적이 있어요. 다음날, 당시 다니던 미술학원에는 발가벗고 문 밖에 나와 있는 저를 목격한 이야기가 쫙 퍼져 있더군요. 다른 에피소드 하나. 저는 초등학교 2학년 때부터 안경을 쓰기 시작했습니다. 하루는 어머니에게서 회초리로 전신을 두드려맞다가, 회초리가 제 눈으로 바로 날아들더군요. 그 직후, 온 세상이 부옇게 바뀌었습니다. 저는 자고 일어나면 괜찮아질 거라고 생각했지만, 다음날에도 시력은 돌아오지 않았지요. 학급 급우의 아버지가 운영하는 동네 안과로 가는 길에, 어머니는 저에게 “놀다가 철봉에 얼굴을 부딪쳤다고 말해라”라고 거짓말을 시키더군요. 그렇게 저는 안경을 쓰기 시작했습니다. 어머니의 폭력은 제가 중학교에 들어간 이후 점차 잦아들었지만, 사실 그 전에는 어머니로부터 꽤나 많이 맞고 자랐습니다. 심지어는 집에 친척이 와 있는데, 친척 눈 앞에서 저를 마구 회초리로 때릴 때도 있었죠. 아마도, 어머니가 저를 더 이상 때리지 않게 된 것은 순전히 제 덩치가 어머니보다 커진 시점이라고 생각합니다. 사실, 어머니는 정신적으로 상당히 문제가 있는 사람입니다. 성인이 되어 생각해보건대, 어머니에게는 심각한 수준의 망상장애와 함께 아마도 중증 우울증이라고 생각되는 정신질환이 동반되어 있었습니다. 어머니의 정신적 문제는 지금도 여전하며 적절한 치료 없이 자연스런 악화와 호전의 등락을 반복하고 있지만, 제가 어렸을 무렵에는 그게 부부싸움이라는 형태로 자꾸 터져나오곤 했습니다. 어머니가 터무니없는 망상을 아버지에게 들이밀며 화를 내면, 아버지는 거기에 반발하여 다시 화를 내는 것이죠. 부모님의 싸움과 박살나는 집기들을 피해 방 한구석에서 조용히 책을 들여다보는 것은 흔한 일이었습니다. 상황이 이러다 보니 저는 자주 씻지 못해 늘 꾀죄죄한 모습으로 학교를 다녔고, 아마도 이것은 제가 학창시절에 겪었던 왕따의 한 원인일 거라고 생각합니다. 초등학교에 입학하자마자 저는 왕따와 폭력의 표적이 되었고, 이는 3학년인가 4학년 때까지 이어졌습니다. 중학교 2학년 때에도 왕따에 학교폭력까지 골고루 당했었죠. 그 즈음, 그러니까 중학생 시절, 최초로 자각할 수 있는 정신과적 문제가 드러났습니다. 바로 손을 지나치게 오래, 너무 자주 씻는 것이죠. 즉, 이 시절부터 강박장애의 증상 중 강박행동이 드러난 것입니다. 돌이켜보면 사실 강박사고 증상도 있었지만 그 당시에는 그건 눈치채지 못했어요. 하지만, 문제를 자각하고서도 그걸 바로 치료하러 병원에 가려는 생각은 하지 않았습니다. 참을 수 있으니까 그냥 참았던 거죠. 세월은 흘러흘러 2011년 초가 되었습니다. 당시 저는 군대를 전역하고 대학교에 복학하여 졸업에 필수적인 현장 실습을 나가고 있었습니다. 그런데 그 무렵, 갑자기 이상한 자해충동이 하루에도 몇 번씩 들기 시작했습니다. 구체적으로는, 내 두 눈을 내 손가락으로 찌르고 싶다는 내용이었지요. 충동이 갈수록 심해지고 빈도도 잦아지자, 충동에 저항하지 못하게 될 것이 두려워진 저는 실습이 끝난 시간에 열려 있는 홍대 인근의 한 정신과 의원을 찾아갔습니다. 생애 첫 정신과 방문이었죠. 거기서 강박장애 진단을 받고, 에스시탈로프람 성분의 SSRI를 처방받아 먹었습니다. 그때가 실습 후반부였기 때문에 얼마 안 있어서 실습은 끝났고, 저는 좀 더 찾아가기 쉬운 신촌오거리의 정신과 의원으로 다니던 곳을 바꾸었습니다. 본격적인 치료는 거기에서 시작한 셈이지요. 거기 다니는 동안 약을 참 많이도 바꾸었습니다. 약을 맨 처음 먹기 시작할 때는 효능은 별로면서 부작용만 잔뜩 나타나는 것도 겪었고, SSRI를 먹고 있음에도 불구하고 우울증 증세가 나타나서 학교를 한 학기 휴학하기도 했습니다. 약 하나를 추가했다가 부작용으로 인한 갑작스런 불안 증세에 휩싸여서 응급실 신세(그때가 하필 광복절이라, 다니던 의원이 문을 안 열었습니다.)를 지기도 했었죠. 웃긴 건, 문제가 되었던 약은 예전에도 처방받아 먹은 적이 있었는데 그때는 아무 문제가 없었다는 점입니다. 어쨌거나, 이런 시행착오와 오랜 상담 끝에 저를 괴롭히던 병적인 강박과 불안을 일정 수준 이하로 억누를 수가 있었습니다. 정신과를 다니면서 알게 된 것이지만, 저의 증상은 전형적인 강박장애 환자의 그것이었습니다. 그리고 나중에 다른 선생님으로부터 들은 이야기에 따르면, 제 경우는 치료가 잘 된 케이스라고 합니다. 제대로 병식(病識, insight)이 있고, 꾸준히 약을 챙겨먹은 것이 좋은 결과가 된 것 같습니다. 사실, 고향 집에서는 정신과 약을 챙겨먹기 위해 투쟁하기도 했었습니다. 어머니가 제가 정신과 약을 먹는 것을 못마땅해하는 것 때문에 벌어진 일이었습니다만… 근데, 어쩌다 보니 지금은 그쪽 약은 제대로 챙겨먹지 못하고 있습니다. 경제적 사정으로 인해 약을 끊을 수밖에 없었는데, 그게 지금껏 쭉 이어지고 있는 것이죠. 그러다보니 지금도 강박사고 증상이 종종 일어납니다. 일단은 그 내용이 바뀌어 자해충동과는 거리가 있고, 중학교 때처럼 아직 참을 만해서 참고 있는 것입니다만 별로 좋은 상태는 아니죠. 그래서, 언젠가는 다시 정신과를 찾게 될지도 모르겠습니다. Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 133 Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 146 Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 161 44 이 게시판에 등록된 April_fool님의 최근 게시물
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119144 class="iamcmt" style="display:none;"> Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 66
119144 class='vcm '>
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119144'> AGuyWithGlasses
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18/12/29 21:39
119144>삭제 주소복사
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 150
쉽지 않은 이야기일텐데 나누어 주셔서 감사합니다. 막줄 보고 저도 생각이 참 많아지네요...
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