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홍차넷
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Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/zero_header.php on line 269
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/zero_header.php on line 300
Warning: Use of undefined constant title - assumed 'title' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 16
티타임
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- 다양한 주제에 대해 자유롭게 글을 작성하는 게시판입니다.
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_formmail - assumed 'use_formmail' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 519
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_category - assumed 'use_category' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/include/print_category.php on line 9
전체기타일상/생각꿀팁/강좌방송/연예도서/문학영화의료/건강문화/예술경제생활체육과학/기술철학/종교정치요리/음식역사여행육아/가정IT/컴퓨터음악창작게임스포츠사회오프모임
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/setup.php on line 29
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Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 398
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Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 2
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/memo_replace.php on line 3
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 10
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| Date |
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 53 16/03/28 17:36:42 Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 56 |
| Name | RebelsGY |
| Subject | [조각글 20주차] 아마도 마지막이 될. |
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제목 : [조각글 20주차] (☜ 말머리를 달아주세요!) [조각글 20주차 주제] '금방 사라져 버리는 것'에 대한 글을 쓰세요. - 분량, 장르, 전개 방향 자유입니다. 맞춤법 검사기 http://speller.cs.pusan.ac.kr/PnuSpellerISAPI_201504/ 합평 받고 싶은 부분 하고 싶은 말 홍차넷 게시판을 하루에 한번씩 오는 정도인데 글을 한번쯤 써보고 싶다 라는 생각으로 적었습니다. 제목 처럼 아마도 마지막이 될것 같습니다. 본문은 픽션과 참트루가 섞여있습니다. 아 참! 그리구 항상 좋은글 많이 남겨주셔서 감사드립니다. 눈팅러지만 다른분들께서 적어주신 글들 항상 정독하고 생각하고 있습니다! 본문 20대 중반을 넘어 이제 곧 서른이라는 길목에 접어들면서 스스로 느끼고 있었다. 연애세포라는 녀석은 어느 순간 그 열정의 지속성이 줄어들고 있었다. 시간이 지나면 지날수록 어느 순간 더 이상의 감정소모에 대해서 회의적인 생각이 들기 시작했다. 회의적인 생각은 꼬리에 꼬리를 물고 재차 나 스스로에 대한 의문을 만들어 냈고, 이는 결국 나에 대한 혐오와 끝없는 자괴감, 그리고 타인에게 몹쓸 짓이나 하고 다닌다는 죄책감을 만들기 시작했다. ‘그래.’ ‘내가 쓰레기로 하자.’ 나의 방어 전략이었다. 항상 그래왔다. 타인에게 상처를 주면 안 된다는 나의 전의식(Preconscious)은 타인에게 상처를 주는 것 보다 내가 상처를 온전히 받는 게 나을 거라고 생각했다. 사실 주변에서는 내 잘못이 없다고, 상대방이 문제라고 이야기하였다. 하지만 나는 겉으로는 ‘그래, 그렇지...’ 라고 말하지만 속으로는 ‘아니 내가 쓰레기라서 그래...’라고 생각했다. 그게 나를 달래는 방법이고 나를 지배하는 일관된 태도였다. 스스로 이러한 태도를 인지하자 점차 연애세포가 살아 숨쉬는 시간은 줄어들기 시작했다. 가장 최근에는 1년 정도 알게 된 사이의 후배가 어느 순간 여자로 보이기 시작했지만 그러한 마음도 2개월 만에 끊어버렸다. 친구들은 이야기했다. ‘잘 어울린다.’ ‘후배 남자친구랑 헤어졌다고 하니까 잘해봐라.’ ‘너 좋아하는 것 같던데?’ 그런 말을 어린 시절에 들었다면 내 연애세포라는 놈은 아마 불타오르기 시작했을 것이다. 하지만 이번에는 아니었다. 사실 나는 알고 있었다. 나와 후배는 이성의 관계가 될 수 없을 것이다. 나 스스로 이미 결론을 짓고 시작한 것이다. 의도적으로 선을 긋고 있었다. 그러니 연애세포는 그 선을 넘으려 하지 않았다. 그리곤 내 마음을 잠식하는 정도가 점차 소멸되어갔다. 결국 오랜만에 깨어난 녀석은 또다시 수면 아래로 가라앉았다. 약 2개월 정도였다. 더 이상은 지속할 용기도, 의지도, 마음도 없게 되었다. 그리고는 1년 동안 친남매 소리를 듣던 후배와 더 이상 사적인 연락을 일체 하지 않았다. 나는 다시 쓰레기가 되기로 마음먹었다. 후배는 의아해 할지도 모른다. 나는 마음을 표현하지도 않았고, 그러한 태도도 잘 취 한적 없이 나 스스로 만들어낸 세포를 결국 내 스스로 죽이고 말았다. 어쩌면 연애세포는 금방 사라지는 것이 아닌 내가 금방 사라지게 하고 있었다. 외로움과 고독함의 소용돌이가 가끔 몰아칠 때면 주말의 나른한 햇살 앞에서 담배 한 모금을 몰아 쉴 때면 홀로 퇴근하는 지하철 안에서 문에 비춰진 나의 모습들을 볼 때면 어느 순간 또다시 깊은 수렁 안으로 빠져드는 나를 보게 된다. 왜냐하면 나는 쓰레기니까. 오늘도 나는 포근하고 안락한 안타는 쓰레기 통으로 들어간다. 왜냐하면 나는 쓰레기니까. Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 133 Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 146 Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 161 0 이 게시판에 등록된 RebelsGY님의 최근 게시물 |
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Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 185
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Warning: Use of undefined constant grant_delete - assumed 'grant_delete' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
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Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 609
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 609
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 614
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 616
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 618
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 618
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 612
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Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 620
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 640
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 644
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/cmt_replace.php on line 3
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 6
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 22
Warning: Use of undefined constant file_name - assumed 'file_name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 28
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 65
34872 class="iamcmt" style="display:none;"> Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 66
34872 class='vcm '>
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 70
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 71
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Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 117
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Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 119
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 120
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34872'> 얼그레이
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16/03/28 23:37
34872>삭제 주소복사
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돌아보면 썸이었고, 돌아보면 서로 사귀듯 좋아하고 있던 때가 있더라구요.
뒤늦게 후회하고 마음 아파하게 될 지 몰라요.
조금 더 솔직해지는 용기를 내보는 것이 어떨까 하는 글이었습니다.
누군가가 자신에게 너는 왜 그래? 왜 이것밖에 못해? 하고 말해버리면 정말 그런걸까 의기소침해지곤 하죠..
남에게도 하지 못할 말은 나에게도 하지 않았으면 해요.
자신을 깎아내렸을 때 순간 편해질진 몰라도, 자신을 더 사랑하고 아끼기 시작했을 때만큼 벅차는 일도 없을 거라 생각해요.
종종 이야기 들려주세요. 마지막으로 종결지었다는 ... 더 보기
뒤늦게 후회하고 마음 아파하게 될 지 몰라요.
조금 더 솔직해지는 용기를 내보는 것이 어떨까 하는 글이었습니다.
누군가가 자신에게 너는 왜 그래? 왜 이것밖에 못해? 하고 말해버리면 정말 그런걸까 의기소침해지곤 하죠..
남에게도 하지 못할 말은 나에게도 하지 않았으면 해요.
자신을 깎아내렸을 때 순간 편해질진 몰라도, 자신을 더 사랑하고 아끼기 시작했을 때만큼 벅차는 일도 없을 거라 생각해요.
종종 이야기 들려주세요. 마지막으로 종결지었다는 ... 더 보기
돌아보면 썸이었고, 돌아보면 서로 사귀듯 좋아하고 있던 때가 있더라구요.
뒤늦게 후회하고 마음 아파하게 될 지 몰라요.
조금 더 솔직해지는 용기를 내보는 것이 어떨까 하는 글이었습니다.
누군가가 자신에게 너는 왜 그래? 왜 이것밖에 못해? 하고 말해버리면 정말 그런걸까 의기소침해지곤 하죠..
남에게도 하지 못할 말은 나에게도 하지 않았으면 해요.
자신을 깎아내렸을 때 순간 편해질진 몰라도, 자신을 더 사랑하고 아끼기 시작했을 때만큼 벅차는 일도 없을 거라 생각해요.
종종 이야기 들려주세요. 마지막으로 종결지었다는 것은 새로운 것을 또 시작할 수 있는 뜻이기도 하잖아요:)
응원합니다.
다음 글도 기대하겠습니다^^
뒤늦게 후회하고 마음 아파하게 될 지 몰라요.
조금 더 솔직해지는 용기를 내보는 것이 어떨까 하는 글이었습니다.
누군가가 자신에게 너는 왜 그래? 왜 이것밖에 못해? 하고 말해버리면 정말 그런걸까 의기소침해지곤 하죠..
남에게도 하지 못할 말은 나에게도 하지 않았으면 해요.
자신을 깎아내렸을 때 순간 편해질진 몰라도, 자신을 더 사랑하고 아끼기 시작했을 때만큼 벅차는 일도 없을 거라 생각해요.
종종 이야기 들려주세요. 마지막으로 종결지었다는 것은 새로운 것을 또 시작할 수 있는 뜻이기도 하잖아요:)
응원합니다.
다음 글도 기대하겠습니다^^
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34872>
34872>