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홍차넷
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티타임
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- 다양한 주제에 대해 자유롭게 글을 작성하는 게시판입니다.
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전체기타일상/생각꿀팁/강좌방송/연예도서/문학영화의료/건강문화/예술경제생활체육과학/기술철학/종교정치요리/음식역사여행육아/가정IT/컴퓨터음악창작게임스포츠사회오프모임
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| Date |
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 53 24/11/13 22:41:17 Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 56 |
| Name | 골든햄스 |
| File #1 | IMG_6673.webp (41.4 KB), Download : 1 |
| Subject | 수다를 떨자 |
 약간 10대 때의 나를 돌이켜보면 그냥 내내 학대받고 있었다면, 20대 때의 나를 돌이켜보면 ‘나’를 ‘사람’이 아닌 ‘기계’로 내가 생각하고 있던 거 같다. 뒤늦게 공부를 하게 됐다는 후회감, 뒤처지는 집안에 대한 부족한 느낌, 이상한 아버지로 인해 오는 집에서의 공포감, 늘 돈이 얼마나 없는지 제대로 말도 해주지 않으면서 엉망으로 살림을 돌보는 아버지의 영향으로 인해 나는 쉬지 못하고 내달렸다. 오죽하면 버스나 지하철에서나 겨우 쉬는 느낌을 느낄 정도였다. 화장실도 그런 이치로 반가웠다. 더욱이 학창시절에 이상한 집에서 생긴 일들로 정서불안을 보일 때마다 따돌림 당하던 기억, 가난해서 무시당하던 기억, 쓰는 물건이나 옷으로 시비가 걸리던 기억이 있으니 나는 또래들 사이에서 항상 ‘눈에 보이고 싶지 않은’ 상태였다. 예쁘다 뭐다 같은 칭찬도 반갑지 않았다. 다크 템플러가 되어서 눈에 띄고 싶지 않았다. 스펙을 챙기느라 미친 듯이 돌아다니고 적성을 찾아다니는 내내, 너무 바빠 온몸의 세포가 들썩일 정도였다. …이 모든 게 나중에 병이 된 거 같다. 나는 즐거운 식사를 하지 못했다. 조금만 내 과거 얘기가 나오려 쳐도 친구들은 갑자기 (자기 힘든 얘기는 다 해놓고선!) 줄행랑을 쳤고, 아직 미숙한 친구들은 또 어떤 순간이 오면 10대 때의 버릇이 나와 정서적으로 부족한 나를 시녀대하듯 하기도 하였다. 그런 일들은 또 나의 방어를 강화했고 나는 좋은 사람들이 다가와도 즐기고 방어를 풀지 못했다. 매번 새로운 옷을 입고 다녀 ‘봄처녀’같은 말을 듣게 된 것도, 사실은 돈이 많아 보이는 명문대 애들에게 혹시라도 따돌림을 받게 될까 두려워 늘 보이는 것에 신경을 썼기 때문이었다. 혹시 신경을 안 썼다가 또 돌이킬 수 없는 맘의 상처를 받느니 그냥 과잉투자로 손해를 보고 마는 게 나으니까. 그때는 그런 계산이었다. 주위 대부분이 상처받은 일 없이 큰 좋은 집안의 꽃 같은 아이들이었고, 나는 말라갔다. 사람들과 이야기를 못하게 된 건 점점 쌓이고 쌓여 나는 숨을 잘 내쉬지 못하게 됐다. 교감신경의 과활성화로 매일 배가 임산부처럼 부풀었다. 그에 더해 디스크 통증까지 도해졌으나 병원들의 오진으로 제대로 디스크를 찾아내지 못했다. 매일 절뚝거렸고, 배는 부풀어서 허덕였다. 배가 터질 거 같은 압력의 느낌은 느껴보지 못하면 말하기 어려운 것이었다. 정신과 약을 산더미 같이 먹어도 효과가 없었다. 여전히 무례한 사람들은 갑자기 날 보고 ‘너, 엄마 없지?’ 같은 말을 하며 파고들어왔다. 그들이 뭘 느꼈을까? 순간의 즐거움? 나는 그냥 무력히 당할 뿐이었다. 이미 사람은 무례하고 악한 존재라는 기본 전제가 깔리니 당해도 따질 힘이 없었다. 힘들게 학교를 다니는 걸 알아보고 응원해준 건 교수님들 뿐이었다. 나는 캠퍼스를 벗삼아 학교를 다녔다. 여전히 고즈넉하게 밤이 찾아드는 캠퍼스를 보면 내 오랜 친구를 보는 기분이 든다. 정겹게 생긴 캠퍼스 풍경 덕분에 오래 버틸 수 있었다. 사실 나는 친구가 없었던 것이다. 그러다 요즘 홍차넷에서 지낸 시간이 늘어나니 나를 표현하는 말이 늘어났다. 내가 어떤 사람인지를 용기내 설명하니 그걸 듣고도 다가오는 사람과만 얘기하면 되었다. 용기내 나로 존재하게 되었다. 용기내 내 감정과 기분을 설명했다. 억지로 관심없는 연예인, 와플, 액체슬라임 따위에 관심을 표명하는 일은 지긋지긋했다. 그렇게 오래 참아온 결과 정신과 몸이 이정도로 무너질 줄은, 나도 몰랐다. 아지트에서 스탈린주의에 대해 얘기한다. 새로 초대한 내가 좋아하는 만화 작가님과 얘기한다. 조금 힘이 나 다시 공부를 시작한다. 점점 나의 현실이 넓어질수록 무너진 인지능력도 회복이 되는 기분이다. 내일은 설렘이(강아지)도 돌아온다. 내 유일한 친구다(?!) 수다를 떨자. 인간은 수다를 떨어야 한다. 이 당연한 걸 왜 몰랐지. 수다를 떨고 밥을 먹고 똥을 싸야 하는 당연한 인간인 나란 존재를, 받아들이지 못하고 있던 거 같다. 자책감에 젖은 나와 나를 트로피로 삼고 있던 아버지끼리 합작으로 2인 3각으로 말도 안 되는 여정을 계속했다. 역시 걱정해준 건 교수님들 뿐이었다. (좀 즐기지 그래 같은 말을 듣곤 했다) 결국 이렇게 무너질 줄이야. 하긴 수다를 못떤 지 한 30년이니 심하긴 하지! 수다를 떨자. 차를 마시고 좋아하는 음악을 듣자. 강아지를 쓰다듬고 작은 성취감을 찾자. 그러지 않으면 우리는 무너지므로. 너무나 무너지므로. 터무니 없는 미세한 모래알 같은 농담들이 사실 우리의 성이므로. Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 133 Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 146 Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 161 10
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Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 609
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 609
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 614
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 616
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 618
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 618
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 612
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 612
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 620
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 640
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 644
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/cmt_replace.php on line 3
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 6
Warning: Use of undefined constant file_name - assumed 'file_name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 28
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 65
196046 class="iamcmt" style="display:none;"> Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 66
196046 class='vcm '>
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 70
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 71
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 76
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 117
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 118
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 119
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 120
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 121
196046'> 토비
Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 133
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 142
24/11/14 01:20
196046>삭제 주소복사
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 150
훌륭합니다
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
196046>
196046>
