Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 278
홍차넷
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Warning: Use of undefined constant r - assumed 'r' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 47
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Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 237
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 34
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Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/zero_header.php on line 269
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/zero_header.php on line 300
Warning: Use of undefined constant title - assumed 'title' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 16
티타임
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 21
Warning: Use of undefined constant header - assumed 'header' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 31
- 다양한 주제에 대해 자유롭게 글을 작성하는 게시판입니다.
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_formmail - assumed 'use_formmail' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 519
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_category - assumed 'use_category' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/include/print_category.php on line 9
전체기타일상/생각꿀팁/강좌방송/연예도서/문학영화의료/건강문화/예술경제생활체육과학/기술철학/종교정치요리/음식역사여행육아/가정IT/컴퓨터음악창작게임스포츠사회오프모임
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Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/memo_replace.php on line 3
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 10
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| Date |
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 53 24/10/21 21:49:04 Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 56 |
| Name | 골든햄스 |
| File #1 | IMG_6549.jpeg (146.6 KB), Download : 0 |
| Subject | 트라우마여, 안녕 |
 오늘 무슨 생각이 들어서인지 갑자기 팔에 볼펜을 들고 “트라우마는 끝났다” 라고 적었습니다. 말이 말이지, 트라우마가 끝나는 건 쉬운 일이 아닙니다. 특히 저처럼 오랜 외상이 있는 사람에게는 더욱 그렇습니다. 하지만 남자친구와의 일상이 점점 따스해지고 포근해지면서 점차 가슴 한편에서 다른 게 느껴지기 시작했습니다. 규칙적으로 매일 저녁 남자친구가 서재에서 일을 하면 전 거실에서 공부를 하고는 합니다. 남자친구의 규칙적인 타이핑 소리가 어느새 귀에 맴도는 느낌으로 익숙해졌습니다. “이번 상고이유서 잘 썼다고 부재중 전화가 3통이나 와 있었어.” 점점 안착되어가는 남자친구의 회사생활 이야기를 들으며, 같이 반찬가게를 고민하고, 아가 같이 잠드는 새끼 강아지를 두고 같이 깔깔 웃습니다. 한동안 눈만 뜨면 아버지 생각을 했던 것 같습니다. 그리고 제가 갇혀있던 사회의 음지, 그곳으로 떨어져내리는 사람들의 조롱과 모멸, 쓰레기들을 잊을 수가 없었습니다. 비슷한 처지의 사람들을 찾아 헤매고 상처입기를 반복했으나, 바보 같이 말도 안 될 정도로 손해를 입어가며 선행을 하기를 멈출 수가 없었습니다. 과거의 “나”에게 상처를 줬던 다른 이들처럼 행동하기가 싫었습니다. : 옷으로 무시 당한 적이 있으니 나는 남들을 옷으로 무시 말아야지. 외모로 차별 당한 적 있으니 나는 남들을 외모로 차별 말아야지. 법체계에 무시당한 적이 있으니 나는 사각지대의 사람들을 끌어안아야지. 점점 해야할 일의 목록이 늘어만 갔습니다. 선행이란 이름의 복수였습니다. 실은, 너무도 제가 받았던 상처들이 몸서리쳐지게 괴로워 잊히지 않아 반복하고 있었던 겁니다. 오늘 새벽 차를 좋아한다고 타임라인에 글을 올리자 쪽지가 하나 왔어요. 집에 남는 녹차를 나눠주고 싶다는 어떤 회원 분이었습니다. 그러고보면 그냥 이런 친절을 주고받고 살고 싶었을뿐, 왜 나는 온몸의 핏줄이 터지도록 괴로운 헌신을 하려하고 있었나. 아지트의 청년 엘리트 모임에서 제 흙수저들에 대한 분석이 이제는 당당히 ‘하나의 정치적 의견이나 자료’로 취급될 때, 심장이 뛰었습니다. 그냥 이렇게 이야기를 나누고 싶을 뿐이었는데, 왜 화염병을 던지고 싶은 것처럼 굴었나. 세상이 정말로 말세인가. 아니면 내 가슴 속의 트라우마의 고통이 주는 느낌 탓에 인지적으로 내가 불행한 쪽으로 왜곡되어있어 ‘말세인 이유’만 찾고 있는 게 아닐까. 마을버스에서는 모두 아기를 향해 방긋방긋 몰래 웃어주고 있는데. 오늘도 놀라운 일들이 세상에는 가득한데. 실은 ‘말세여야만 하는’ 게 아니었을까. 나를 놓고도 그리 다들 행복했단 게 믿기지가 않아서. 불행한 사람을 돕고 싶어 찾아다니는 나를 보고 자신의 불행을 끝없이 말하고 도움을 받고 다닌 그 사람들은, 감사 인사 하나 없이 도망가기도 하고 갑자기 끝나고 부담스러워하거나 거짓말을 하기도 한 그들은 그렇다면 또 선한가. 소중한 친구의 선물로 큰맘먹고 샤넬 향수를 보냈습니다. 역시 홍차넷에서 만난, 제 어려운 이야기를 듣고 제게 응원과 지지를 보내준 값진 친구입니다. 좋은 집안에서 행복하게 자란 사람들을 내심 무서워하고 거리감을 느끼던 제게, 그들이 가진 내적인 강인함을 보여준 이기도 했습니다. 이제 그냥 잊는 것이 최고의 복수란 걸. 그냥 흘려보내야 한단 걸. 머물러 있기에는 너무도 세상에 남은 좋은 와인과 모험이 많단 걸 알아버렸습니다. 남자친구와 저번에 필리핀으로 여행을 떠나 만나 술자리를 함께 했던 필리핀 사업가 부부는 어느새 성공해 행복한 가정생활을 꾸리고 있다는 소식을 보내왔습니다. 남자친구의 서면은 이제 누가 봐도 훨씬 깔끔해졌습니다. 비슷한 트라우마로 처음에는 집단생활을 두려워하던 남자친구는 이제 뻔뻔스럽게 건배사를 잘 하는 사회생활 새내기가 되어가고 있는 모양입니다. 흘려보내. 흘려보내요. 많은 사람들이 조언해주었지만 너무도 어려웠습니다. 행복해지고 나면 더럭 불안해져 내 ‘소중한 불행’을 잊을까봐 학대 피해 사례 등을 검색해보고는 했습니다. 그건 어느새 내 정체성이었고, 나만의 기치이자 종군 깃발이었습니다. 이제 전쟁을 끝내기로 합시다. 새로이 기억을 쌓아갈 시간이 많으니. 지금보다 훨씬 강아지가 어릴 때, 같이 산책을 하던 때였습니다. 갑자기 강아지가 뛰어올랐습니다. 너무도 기쁜 얼굴로, 양쪽 귀가 양갈래 머리처럼 흩날리게 하면서. 여름 햇빛 아래 믿기지 않게 천진하고 행복한 어린 생명체의 약동하는 감정을 보는 건 충격적이라 (‘이정도로 다른 생명이 해맑을 수도 있구나’) 그 순간 이 기억은 삶의 마지막까지 가져갈 소중한 기억임을. 그런 추억이 생기는 순간임을 직감했습니다. 이제 그런 기억들을 더 만들어가고 싶어졌습니다. 사랑하던 공부 앞으로 다시 돌아가 겸손한 어린 학생처럼 무릎을 모으고 앉아, 다시 흰 백지처럼 이야기를 듣고 새기고 싶어졌습니다. 트라우마의 치유나 재생, 이야기의 재구성 같은 심리학적 이론은 아무래도 좋습니다. 누군가는 이 불을 꺼야 한단 걸 알고 있을 뿐입니다. 아직도 경직된 세계관으로 인터넷의 수많은 상처입은 사람과 큰 대로 저는 딱딱한 율법을 좋아하는 면이 있지만 (오죽하면 공부하는 책갈피도 ‘모든 율법이 이뤄지리라’ 라고 적힌 것이지요) ‘율법 너머의 세계로 나아갈 수 있길’ 하고 직언해주는 소중한 지인도 있는 요즈음입니다. 이제 옷으로 남에게 잠시 싫은 생각도 하고, 아파트 가격을 따지기도 해도 된다고 스스로 자유를 부여해보려 합니다. 제가 지금껏 본 그 세상 그 어떤 글도 ‘속물이 되라’라고 한 적이 없습니다. 하지만 세상살이에서 고통 받은 사람들이 글과 노래로 치유를 받는 것이니, 오히려 글과 노래와 반대되는 것들이 세상사 지혜인 경우가 많더군요. 그러니까 다시 말해, 우리의 삶은 노랫말과 달리 가슴에 뱃지를 달고 총을 들어야 하는 일(“Mama take this badge from me I can't use it anymore.”) 그럼에도 스스로를 가엾이 여기며 그러한 내용의 노래도 아낌없이 듣는 위선을 즐기는 일입니다. 그를 더는 두려워하지 않겠습니다. 너는 더 이상 세상의 온 무게를, 약자들의 온몸을 어깨에 짊어지고 있지 않다. 나아가라! 가볍게. 또 가볍게… 스스로 축복해봅니다. 어느 날 자신의 트라우마를 그냥 단칼에 끊어내기를 결심했다는 멋진 제 남자친구처럼. 그의 결심은 ‘저의 행운이 되어주는 것’이므로, 저는 그 행운을 받을 준비를 합니다. 트라우마여, 안녕. Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 133 Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 146 Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 161 36
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Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 185
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_comment - assumed 'use_comment' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 540
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 542
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 543
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 545
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 576
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
Warning: Use of undefined constant grant_delete - assumed 'grant_delete' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 577
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 429
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_formmail - assumed 'use_formmail' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 599
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 599
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 600
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 600
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 605
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 609
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 609
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 614
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 616
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 618
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 618
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 612
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 612
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 620
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 640
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 644
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/cmt_replace.php on line 3
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 6
Warning: Use of undefined constant file_name - assumed 'file_name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 28
Warning: Use of undefined constant file_name - assumed 'file_name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 29
Warning: Use of undefined constant file_name - assumed 'file_name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 30
Warning: Use of undefined constant file_name - assumed 'file_name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 31
Warning: Use of undefined constant file_name - assumed 'file_name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 35
Warning: Use of undefined constant file_name - assumed 'file_name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 39
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 65
195533 class="iamcmt" style="display:none;"> Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 66
195533 class='vcm '>
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 70
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 71
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 76
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 117
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 118
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 119
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 120
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 121
195533'> 토비
Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 133
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 142
24/10/21 22:14
195533>삭제 주소복사
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 150
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
195533>
195533>
