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홍차넷
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티타임
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- 다양한 주제에 대해 자유롭게 글을 작성하는 게시판입니다.
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전체기타일상/생각꿀팁/강좌방송/연예도서/문학영화의료/건강문화/예술경제생활체육과학/기술철학/종교정치요리/음식역사여행육아/가정IT/컴퓨터음악창작게임스포츠사회오프모임
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| Date |
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 53 24/10/12 20:34:47 Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 56 |
| Name | 골든햄스 |
| Subject | 목소리를 찾아서 |
|
요즘 사람들과 말을 하다 놀랄 때가 많다. 그냥 습관적으로 말을 하면, 내 배까지는 울리지 않고 그동안 쌓인 습관에 의해 관성적으로 말을 할 때가 많은데, 그러면 귀신 같이 사람들은 별 반응을 안 한다. 그러다가 내가 요즘 처음 갖게 된 낯선 감각인 ‘배를 울리며 말하기’를 쓰면, 나 스스로도 몰랐던 진심을 말하면서 알게 되는 기분이 들고, 사람들도 순식간에 날 주목하며 그 말의 내용에 집중해주는 것이다. 옛날에는 대학 동아리 사람들과 한강 뱃놀이를 가서도 무슨 말을 해도 다 묻혀서 놀랐던 적도 있었다. 사실은 나도 어느정도 사람들 사이에 안 보이는 존재가 되고 싶었던 것도 같다. 이래도 공격 받아, 저래도 공격 받아, 그런 경험이 쌓이고 쌓여 어느 쪽으로든 티나지 않고 존재하지 않는듯한 사람이 되고 싶었던 게 내 방어기제였다. 그래서였을까? 머리로 말을 하면 사람들이 반응을 안 한다. 그러다 문득 홍차넷 사람들과 어울리며 ‘반응을 얻기 위한’ 말을 하는 걸 해보게 됐다. 하얀님 아이 돌잔치에 초대받았는데, 같이 가는 온리님이 돌잔치 선물은 샀냐고 해서 같이 백화점에 갔을 때였다. 내가 작은 아기 신발을 사고 가격을 물어보고 결제하다 문득 ‘아’ 소리를 냈는데 모두가 놀라 직원하며 온리님 하며 나를 다 돌아봤다. 나는 충격에 빠졌다. 어느 공간에서 그토록 주목 받아본 적이 별로 없었다. 공적인 발표나 면접 같은 게 아닌 한. 나는 돌 선물이 부족한 게 아닌가 고민된다 했고, 가게 직원과 온리님은 내 고민을 함께 해줬다. 순간 정말 이상한 기분이 들었다. 이렇게 사적인 내 심리와 동작을 서버에 업로드하듯이(표현이 이상하지만) 실시간으로 주위 사람들과 같이 해본 게 얼마만이지? 그간 늘 내 생각은 사람들에게 관심 밖의, 심지어는 혐오의 대상이었기에 나는 날 숨기느라 무진 애를 썼었고 실제로 20대 초반까지는 나는 꽤 날 숨기고 있었다고 생각한다. 그러다가 친구와 에세이집을 기획할 때 ‘목구멍’ 이란 제목을 제시했을 정도로 이후로 나는 말하지 못한 속병이 나기 시작했다. 평생을, 가능하다면 남들의 인생에 존재하는 허깨비 같은 존재로 살다 가고 싶은 마음도 있었다. 나대로 미움받는 게 너무 무서웠고 아버지로 인해 정해진 내 인생의 취향과 행로에 대해 너무도 사람들이 이해하지 못하고 비웃거나 묵살하려는 경우가 많았다. 그런데 그러다보니 어느새 내가 숨을 병적으로 들이쉬고만 있고, 이대로는 정신도 건강치 못하리란 게 전문 의사의 진단이었다. 그렇게 계속 거짓말하면 정신병 걸려요. 의사가 딱 이렇게 말했다. 정말이었다. 젊은 객기로 버틴 세월이었다. 순수한 아이들 앞에 가면 문득 나는 날 평가하지 않을, 아니, 오히려 어른들보다 더 제대로 나의 본질을 보아줄, 그렇기에 나를 싫어하지 않을 이들이란 생각에 긴장이 풀린다. 아버지와 아버지로 인해 생긴 험난한 세월이 남긴 주름살이 사람들에게는 긴장을 불러일으키고 오해와 험담을 부르지만, 아이들은 순진하게 자신의 생존에 집중하기에 자신들을 좋아해주는 내 앞에서 나를 묻고 따지는 것 없이 좋아해준다. 그래서 대화하다보면, 나도 모르고 있던 나의 목소리를 되찾는다. 그래. 사실 난 이런 성격이었구나. 받아주는 이가 없었기에, 세계가 부정하는 사람이었기에 나자신을 잃고 있었구나. 학교 버스에는 아동학대 당하는 아이를 위한 칸이 없었다. 동네 복지센터에도 없었다. 친구들의 인스타 팔로잉 칸에도 없었다. 그렇지만 아이들은, 그리고 내 이야기를 들어준 홍차넷의 ‘독자’들은 나를 순수한 눈으로 바라봐 준다. 그리고 나의 원석의 목소리를 꺼내준다. 그렇게 나오는 내 모습은 내가 느껴오고 꾸며온 과장된 피해자성을 가리려던 가짜의 것보다 훨씬 멋지고 자랑할 만한 것이다. 한마디로 나를 불편해하지 않는 자에게 나는 꽤 괜찮다. 그렇지만 여전히 나의 목소리를 들어주지 않는 세상 앞에서 나는 기가 죽어있다. 존재만으로도 한국사회에 대한 비판이 되는 나는, 대중의 그림자가 되는 나는, 그냥 속시원하게 툭툭 말하며 쇼핑하는 것조차 신기하고 어렵게 느껴질 정도로 주위에 의해 그리고 나에 의해 사방이 막혀있는 채로 살고 있다. 그럼에도 이 모든 걸 기록하는 건, 글의 세계에서 말의 세계로 비로소 나아가고 있기 때문이기도 하며, 누군가 학대를 당한 이나 사회로부터 은폐를 당하는 이가 나중에 사회에 나서며 한 명이라도 내 기록을 찾아보고 힘을 내길 바라서다. 어떻게든, 살고 있다. 내 목소리를 찾고 있다. - 사회가 원하는 목소리와 내 실제 목소리 사이의 화음을 한참 찾고 있습니다. 그냥 그런 이야기입니다. Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 133 Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 146 Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 161 7 |
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Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 609
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 614
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 616
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 618
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 618
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 612
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 612
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 620
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 640
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 644
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/cmt_replace.php on line 3
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 6
Warning: Use of undefined constant file_name - assumed 'file_name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 28
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 65
195394 class="iamcmt" style="display:none;"> Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 66
195394 class='vcm '>
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 70
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 71
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 76
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 117
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 118
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 119
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 120
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 121
195394'> nothing
Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 133
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 142
24/10/13 21:23
195394>삭제 주소복사
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 150
응원합니다.
내 의견과 느낌을 표현할 때 부정당하지 않고 그대로 받아들여지는 경험은 중요한 것 같아요.
비슷한 이야기일지는 모르겠지만 저도 근래에 "내 목소리로 말하기"와 "남들이 원하는 목소리로 말하기" 사이에서 살랑살랑 곡예를 하며 고민하고 있습니다.
후자는 사회생활을 하면서 자연스레 체득된 일종의 습관인 것 같은데 이렇게 하면 할수록 내가 더 재미없는 인간이 되어가고 있는 것 같거든요.
사회적 규범이나 관계의 눈치를 보며 뻔하고 재미없는 이야기를 뱉기 보다는 내 목소리로 내 이야기를 하고 싶다는 생각을 하는 요즘입니다.
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 168
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 168
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 168
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 168
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 168
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 168
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 168
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 168
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 168
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
1
내 의견과 느낌을 표현할 때 부정당하지 않고 그대로 받아들여지는 경험은 중요한 것 같아요.
비슷한 이야기일지는 모르겠지만 저도 근래에 "내 목소리로 말하기"와 "남들이 원하는 목소리로 말하기" 사이에서 살랑살랑 곡예를 하며 고민하고 있습니다.
후자는 사회생활을 하면서 자연스레 체득된 일종의 습관인 것 같은데 이렇게 하면 할수록 내가 더 재미없는 인간이 되어가고 있는 것 같거든요.
사회적 규범이나 관계의 눈치를 보며 뻔하고 재미없는 이야기를 뱉기 보다는 내 목소리로 내 이야기를 하고 싶다는 생각을 하는 요즘입니다.
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 168
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 168
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 168
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 168
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 168
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 168
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 168
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 168
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 168
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
1
195394>
195394>