Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 278
홍차넷
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 34
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 45
Warning: Use of undefined constant r - assumed 'r' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 47
Warning: Use of undefined constant r - assumed 'r' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 51
Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 237
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 34
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 45
Warning: Use of undefined constant r - assumed 'r' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/outlogin_toby.php on line 47
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Warning: Use of undefined constant memo - assumed 'memo' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 237
Warning: Use of undefined constant is_admin - assumed 'is_admin' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/zero_header.php on line 269
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/zero_header.php on line 300
Warning: Use of undefined constant title - assumed 'title' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 16
티타임
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 21
Warning: Use of undefined constant header - assumed 'header' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 31
- 다양한 주제에 대해 자유롭게 글을 작성하는 게시판입니다.
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_formmail - assumed 'use_formmail' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/lib.php on line 519
Warning: Use of undefined constant use_category - assumed 'use_category' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/include/print_category.php on line 9
전체기타일상/생각꿀팁/강좌방송/연예도서/문학영화의료/건강문화/예술경제생활체육과학/기술철학/종교정치요리/음식역사여행육아/가정IT/컴퓨터음악창작게임스포츠사회오프모임
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| Date |
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 53 22/09/19 17:27:48 Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 56 |
| Name | 하마소 |
| Subject | 난임일기 |
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난임병원 한켠을 가득 메운 책장에는 유독 자기계발서가 가득하다. 언젠가 종종 방문했던 산부인과에도 책은 가득했지만, 떠오르는 게 소설이나 에세이집 - 주로 육아와 관련된 - 정도였던 걸 떠올려 본다면 금방 눈에 들어온 그 느낌의 구성은 아니었으니까. 육아지침서 역시나 계발서의 일종으로 해석할 수도 있겠지만, 특별히 육아와 접점이 크지 않아보이는 지침서들의 비중이 더 높은 건 일견 의아한 일이다. 아마도 부모가 된다는 무게감은 스스로가 변화하지 않으면 안되는 걸까, 의 위기의식과 이어지는 게 아닐까 하는 생각을 해본다. 생각해보면, 이 곳을 찾은 많은 이들은 이미 난항과 좌절이라는 형태로 현재를 마주하고 있을 가능성 또한 제법 있을테고, 그렇다면 그 위기의식은 으레 경험하는 수준 이상의 무게감으로 등장할 수도 있을테니까. 그럼에도, 아니 그럼에도라는 접두어를 떠올릴 이유가 없을 정도로 괜찮았고 행복했지만, 그래서는 곤란한 것들이 있을 수 있다. 몇 년의 결혼생활을 보내며 무언가가 잘못된 게 아닐까 하는 생각은 단 한번도 해본 일이 없지만, 아이와 함께하는 삶, 양육을 원하게 된 현재의 시점에서 이미 흘러버린 시간은 그저 괜찮은 것으로 여겨두기에도 마음에 걸리는 문제가 된다. 많은 문제들 가운데에도 이것 만큼은 절대로 우리가 선택할 수 있는 문제가 아님을 여러 사례와, 여러 사람들로부터 들어왔지만, 그럼에도 우리가 해결해야 할 무언가를 발견할 수 있다면, 이를 발견하기 위한 정도의 선택은 오만함의 증표가 되진 않으리라. 그렇게 방문하게 된 난임병원. 문득 돌아보니, 도달하기 전엔 느끼지 못했던 꽤 높은 듯한 문턱이 내가 넘어온 입구에 놓여있는 듯 보였다. 어쩌면 대기 중에 올려다본 책장과 이를 가득 메운 자기계발서들 또한 이를 넌지시 일러주는 단서 아니었을까. 그럼에도 괜찮았지만, 그래서는 곤란한 것들에 둘러싸인 현실. 일상적인 야근, 거의 매주 반복해온 주말 당직 출근, 발 디딜 틈 없이 좁은 집 등을 우리의 생활 속에서 떠올려본다. 많은 것들이 마음가짐만 달라지는 걸로 해결되긴 어려운 문제겠지만, 그 이전에 되짚어보지 않았다면 이를 문제로 여길 수는 있었을까. 어쩌면 별 일 없이 유지해올 나의, 우리의 삶 그 자체일텐데. 많은 이들이 그렇게 문제가 아닐 지도 모를 요소들을 잔뜩 안고 사는 현대인이기에, 대기석을 메운 내원객들 여럿이 자기계발서를 펼쳐보는 모습은 마치 약속한 듯 비슷해보였다. 이를 그저 목격자의 입장으로 바라볼 수 없는 내게 있어 이 광경은, 어쩌면 그렇게 지난한 과거로부터의 결별을 뜻하는 결의의 현장마냥 느껴지기도 했으니. 사모님과 언젠가 갖게 될 아이에 대한 이야기를 하며 이따금 들었던, 혹시 나는 언젠가 다가올 탄생의 순간을 위한 최소한의 준비조차 되어 있지 않은 게 아닐까 하는 불안감. 그 불안감은 이 광경 속에서 더 크게 현실을 자극한다. 몇 개월의 시간과 몇 번의 방문, 몇 차례의 시술과 그리고 몇으로 셀 수 없는 불가산의 기다림의 끝에, 드디어 새로운 기다림의 세계에 도달할 수 있게 되었다. 행복했다. 물론 안정과 마주하기 위해선 여전히 짧지 않은 시간을 기다려야 하지만, 정해진 과정과 수많은 참고의 근거에 기댈 수 있다는 것 만으로도 이전의 기다림과 같을 리가 없다. 사모님께서도 이렇게 말씀하셨으니. "앞으로 우리가 무엇을 해야하는 지를 더 이상 아무것도 없이 텅 빈 지평선만이 가득한 시야에서 떠올리지 않아도 되는 것 만으로 너무나도 행복하다" 라고. 그 말대로다. 앞으로의 기다림은 우리를 확신에 다가가게 하는 그런 기다림일테니. 문득 이 길은 우리에게 겸손을 알려주는 여정과도 같다는 생각을 했다. 기다림과 친숙해 질수록 우리 자신의 세상조차 온전한 내 본위와 내 의지의 산물이 아니라는 현실과 직면하게 되니까. 혹여 이를 자괴 또는 박탈감과 연결하게 된다면, 애초에 이와 친숙해질 수조차, 그래서 이를 받아들일 수조차 없었을 테니까. 다만 우리의 길은 조금 더 힘겹고 지난한 방법을 통한 여정이기에, 이를 걸어나가는 데에도 조금 더 많은 것들을 필요로 한다. 착상 안정을 위한 호르몬 요법으로 매일 맞아야 하는 주사는 그 중에서도 가장 험난한 일과였다. 매일 저녁 9시가 되면 사모님은 자기 손으로 배에 날카롭게 선 주사바늘을 찔러 넣어야 하는 일과와 마주했고, 이내 저녁은 두려움의 시간이 되었다. 3주 즈음 지났을까, 사모님의 배는 어느샌가 멍과 염증으로 본래의 피부색이 느껴지지 않을 정도로 뒤덮였고, 손가락이 닿는 것만으로도 일어나는 통증으로 찌를 수 있는 곳 조차 보이지 않을 지경에 이르렀다. 그래도 해야 하니까. 한마디를 하며 사모님은 배에 천천히 바늘을 찔러넣는다. 아픔으로 눈가에 고여 떨어지는 눈물도 잊은 채. "솜이야, 엄마가 밥 줄게." 기다림이란 그래서 종종 괴롭다. 그 어떤 능동적인 행위도 무용하니까. 지난 날의 과정을 통해 제법 익숙해졌다는 생각을 했지만, 그럼에도 나의 입장은 또 다르니까. 힘겨워하는 사모님의 모습을 보며 차라리 내가 겪는 아픔이었다면 덜 괴로울 거란 생각을 하며 안타까워 하지만, 이게 자기연민이 만들어낸 오만한 생각이라는 걸 떠올릴 필요가 있다. 쉽지 않지만, 이를 떠올리고 나서야 내가 무엇을 하면 될 지를 생각해볼 수 있으니까. 힘겹게 내딛는 하루하루가 뿌듯할 수 있도록 함께 노력해야지. 지금 마주한 우리의 일상은 비단길 위에 있지 않아서, 그래서 이 길을 내딛는 한 걸음이 조금 질척거리고 무겁겠지만 이 모든 걸음을 대신하는 게 아닌, 조금 더 편한 신발을 구비해두고 항상 옆에서 이 길이 언제 끝날 지를 알려 줄 수 있게. 그게 함께 걸어간다는 거니까. 시간은 지나고, 어떤 형태로든 끝은 온다. 꽤 힘겨웠지만 사모님과의 의지로 모든 과정을 헤쳐 나온 우리에게 난임병원은 졸업을 선언한다. 상투적이지만 그래서 언제나 유용한 '졸업은 또 다른 시작' 이라는 말처럼, 새로운 세계와의 조우까지 우리를 지켜준, 그래서 졸업이라는 기표에 담긴 의미처럼 우리를 성장시켜 준 기관과 작별할 시간이 오는 것. 학교에서의 졸업식처럼 기념사진을 찍고, 졸업장을 받아들고 병원을 나선다. 우리는 과연 얼마나 성장한 걸까, 하는 약간의 의문을 갖고. 그래도 그 의문이 의구심으로 끝나진 않을 것 같다. 인간은 살아있는 한 끝없이 성장하는 존재라는 쓰기도 듣기도 좋은 말이 있지만, 그저 격언으로 이를 대하고 말 지 모를 분주함 투성이의 일들과 이를 감내하는 역량의 빈약함이 연속이 된 우리의 세상에서 이를 새기며 살아가는 건 쉬운 일이 아니다. 그럼에도 소중한 생명과의 조우는 우리가 품어야 할 세상이 조금 더 넓어짐을 일깨우는 계기가 되었고, 이를 성장으로 명명하는 건 무리가 아니겠지. 이를 경험해오는 과정 동안 많은 것들을 떠올렸지만, 비단 이러한 생각들이 아니더라도 다른 많은 것들을 알 수 있었을 테니까. 무엇보다도, 이러한 과정을 거쳐온 것 만으로도 굉장한 일이라고 우리를, 서로를 보듬을 수 있을 테니까. 졸업 후 안정기에 접어들 무렵의 언젠가 사모님과의 잠들 녘 대화에서, 사모님께서 이렇게 말씀하셨다. "우리 솜이가 남자아이라면 부디 하마소 닮은 어른으로 성장하길, 혹시 여자아이라면 언젠가 하마소같은 사람을 만나 결혼할 수 있기를 바라." 이 순간을 어떻게 표현할 수 있을까. 내가 가장 사랑하는 사람에게 들을 수 있는, 극찬을 넘은 가늠하기 조차 어려운 무게감의 이 말을 들은 순간을. 이런 말을 들을 자격이 있는 지를 스스로에 되물으며 감격과 충격 사이의 어딘가를 배회하던 찰나, 언젠가의 내 모습이 떠올라 실없이 웃음이 나왔다. 육아도, 결혼도 내 삶에 존재할만한 영역이 아니라 굳건히 믿었던 몇 년 전까지의 나와, 그래서 굳이 삶에서 미련을 둘 무언가를 만들지 않기 위해 마음을 닫고 지냈던 언젠가의 과거와, 앞으로의 탄생을 간절히 바라던 최근의, 지금의 내 모습이 순간 겹쳐진 이유로. 그래. 그게 성장이라는 건가 보다. 반드시 거쳐야 할 과정에 대한 돌입으로서의 의미가 아닌, 생각하지 않으려 했던 것과 마주한 내가 걸어온 길이 결국 우리의 세계를 넓힐 수 있었다는 점에서. 무엇보다도, 다른 선지자들의 증언을 참고하지 않더라도, 앞으로 다가올 세계는 분명 행복으로 가득하리란 믿음을 함께 지니게 되었으니까. 앞으로의 삶은 분명 미지로 가득하겠지만. Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 133 Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 146 Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 161 58
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Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 118
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 119
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 120
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 121
177639'> whenyouinRome...
Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 133
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 142
22/09/19 17:34
177639>삭제 주소복사
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 150
미지의 세계에 발 디딛이신 것에 대해 다시 한번 축하드립니다.
사람이 경험해보지않고 절대 모르는 것이 출산과 육아가 아닐까 싶어요.
힘들 때도 있으시겠지만 그 열 배 백 배의 행복과 즐거움을 느끼실겁니다.
곧 홍차넷 올 시간도 없이 육아에 시달릴 하마소님을 응원합니다.
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
사람이 경험해보지않고 절대 모르는 것이 출산과 육아가 아닐까 싶어요.
힘들 때도 있으시겠지만 그 열 배 백 배의 행복과 즐거움을 느끼실겁니다.
곧 홍차넷 올 시간도 없이 육아에 시달릴 하마소님을 응원합니다.
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
177639>
177639>
