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홍차넷
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티타임
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/bbs_title.php on line 21
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- 다양한 주제에 대해 자유롭게 글을 작성하는 게시판입니다.
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전체기타일상/생각꿀팁/강좌방송/연예도서/문학영화의료/건강문화/예술경제생활체육과학/기술철학/종교정치요리/음식역사여행육아/가정IT/컴퓨터음악창작게임스포츠사회오프모임
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| Date |
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 53 20/08/10 19:26:38 Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 56 |
| Name | 머랭 |
| Subject | 엄마와 나 |
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지금 몇시지. 그렇지만 시간은 보면 안 돼. 식은땀이 흘렀다. 이대로 핸드폰을 보면 끝이다. 여섯 시간쯤 잠이 들지 않으면 허리가 아프다. 허리부터 아프더니 어깨가 꽉 짓눌린 것처럼 쑤시기 시작한다. 이대로는 안 된다는 생각에 병원을 갔던 게 벌써 일년 전이다. 불면증은 사라졌다가도 별안간 돌아온다. 이제는 꽤 익숙해져서 병원에 간다. 이건 수면제는 아니고요. 항불안제입니다. 약을 받았더니 잠이 잘 온다. 그런데 악몽이 시작되었다. 방을 바꾼 그날부터였던 것 같다. 눈을 감으면 잠이 온다. 이 당연한 개념이 나에게는 생소해서, 처음에는 잘 자는 것만으로도 만족했다. 내 방에서는 악몽을 이렇게 자주 꾸지 않았다. 내가 있던 방은 굴 같았다. 작고 포근한 방이 그대로 나를 감싸주는 것 같았다. 괴로울 때면 어린애처럼 이불을 뒤집어쓰면 더 안전해지는 느낌이 들었다. 방문만 닫으면 나는 안전해지는 것 같았다. 친구들에게 나는 내 방에 있다고 말하기 보다는 내 굴에 있어. 그렇게 말하고는 했다. 엄마와 다투게 된 건 바로 그 이유에서였다. 좀 더 넓은 방으로 옮긴다는 아주 합리적인 계획이었지만, 난 그러고 싶지 않았다. 한달쯤 싸웠고 늘 그렇듯 내가 포기했다. 아주 정직하게 말하자면 새 방이 좀 더 수납공간도 많았고 편안한 공간이었다. 분명 그래야 맞는 거였다. 그 방에서 처음 잠들었던 날부터 나는 악몽을 꾸기 시작했다. 아주 현실적인 꿈이었다. 일을 하다가 항상 곤란한 상황이 생긴다. 현실에서는 때때로 재수없을 뿐이지만, 꿈에서는 꼭 코너까지 몰리고 만다. 어떤 문제든지 해결하려고 애쓰다 꿈에서 깨고, 그런 게 열흘 이상 계속되다 보니 이제는 꿈과 현실이 분간이 잘 가지 않는 느낌이 들었다. 선생님. 저 못 견디겠어요. 병원에 찾아와 그런 이야기를 했다. 새로운 약을 받아 돌아오면서 새 방과 내 굴을 생각했다. 방을 바꾼 뒤로 나는 때로 내 굴에 들어가 한동안 우두커니 앉아 있고는 했다. 이제는 창고처럼 변해버린 내 굴. 앉을 공간도 부족했지만 나는 거기에 있고 싶었다. 고양이가 멋대로 점거한 내 굴에는 더 이상 내가 있을만한 장소가 많지 않았다. 그런 생각만 하니 사람이 깊이 늪에 빠지는 기분이라, 이 기묘한 습성이 어디서 왔는지 찾아 보기로 했다. 분명히 이 우울증과 불안, 그리고 굴을 좋아하는 이 습성은 모계혈통이다. 엄마의 이모의 아들, 이걸 정확한 용어로 뭐라고 하더라. 그 분은 천재라고 들었고, 아주 젊은 나이에 자살했다. 그 분 말고도 많아서 또 누가 있는지 모르겠네. 엄마가 그렇게 말했다. 내 안에 있는 우울과 불안은 엄마 안에 많으면 많았지 적지는 않았다. 다만 그걸 표출하는 방식이 아주 다를 뿐, 나는 엄마에게서 내 모습을 보고는 했다. 어렸을 때부터 나는 그녀를 쭉 위로해 왔지만 그녀에게서 그런 위안을 얻었는지는 잘 모르겠다. 그렇다고 서로 사랑하지 않는 것도 아니다. 그녀만이 아니라 나도 일그러져 있을 뿐이다. 한달쯤, 방을 바꾼 뒤에도 나는 그녀에게 화가 나 있었다. 그녀만이 공격적인 것이 아니다. 나는 아주 교묘한 방법으로 화를 냈고 그녀도 그건 눈치를 챘지만 뜻밖에 뭐라고 하지는 않았다. 그럴 때면 내 새로운 방과 그녀의 방 사이에 있는 복도에 묘한 침묵이 감돈다. 주로 그녀는 집요하게 캐묻는 쪽이지만 나는 그걸 절대로 말해주지 않는 편이다. 고집부리는 게 똑같다. 유전자 검사같은 건 안 해도 될 정도다. 왜 나와 살지 않아요? 정신과 의사가 나에게 그렇게 물었다. 엄마가 무너지는 모습을 보고 싶지 않아서. 대답하지 않았지만 그렇게 생각했다. 그러고 나면 나도 무너질 테니까. 엄마와 나는 어설픈 감정 위에 서 있다. 한발짝이라도 서로 뒤로 가면 이게 무너질 거라는 걸 잘 알고 있다. 그런데 꿈을 꾸면 늘 내가 주저앉아 버린다. 한 발짝이 아니라 세 발짝 쯤, 완전이 균행이 무너진 채로. 눈을 뜬 뒤에 바로 일어나지 못한 이유는 분간하기 위해서다. 아직 괜찮은지, 전부 괜찮은지, 엄마는 괜찮은지, 그리고 나도 좀 괜찮은지에 대해서. 엄마와 나는 흔들다리 위에 서 있다. 누구 하나라도 머뭇거리면 떨어지고 만다. 그런 이야기를 정신과 의사에게는 차마 할 수 없어서 이렇게 대답했다. 그래도 가족이니까요. Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 133 Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 146 Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view.php on line 161 11
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Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 612
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 612
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 620
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 628
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 640
Warning: Use of undefined constant name - assumed 'name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 644
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/view.php on line 646
Warning: Use of undefined constant HTTP_HOST - assumed 'HTTP_HOST' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/pb/cmt_replace.php on line 3
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 6
Warning: Use of undefined constant file_name - assumed 'file_name' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 28
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 65
146940 class="iamcmt" style="display:none;"> Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 66
146940 class='vcm '>
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 70
Warning: Use of undefined constant x - assumed 'x' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 71
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 76
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 117
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 118
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 119
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 120
Warning: Use of undefined constant ismember - assumed 'ismember' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 121
146940'> 다람쥐
Warning: Use of undefined constant mod_date - assumed 'mod_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 133
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 140
Warning: Use of undefined constant reg_date - assumed 'reg_date' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 142
20/08/11 08:56
146940>삭제 주소복사
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 150
엄마와 나 사이에는 아주 복잡한 감정과 관계가 형성되는 것 같아요 나는 엄마의 연장이면서 동시에 독립된 존재.....
평안한 밤 보내실 수 있기를 바라요.
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
평안한 밤 보내실 수 있기를 바라요.
Warning: Use of undefined constant level - assumed 'level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 158
Warning: Use of undefined constant password - assumed 'password' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 166
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 171
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 172
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant no - assumed 'no' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
Warning: Use of undefined constant vote - assumed 'vote' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/redtea/html/a_skin/bbsd/view_comment.php on line 173
146940>
146940>